Years ago, my wife and I decided not to buy each other gifts for Christmas. Christmas was for the kids. Besides, it was always a hassle trying to figure out what to get your wife. I'm easy to buy for. Just get me power tools. But after my wife found out about my insurance policy I told her not to bother.
I was balancing the checkbook and seen all these receipts from JC Penneys and a couple other stores. I didn't look at the items but simply the amount. I ended up having to transfer money over to insure they were covered, and was somewhat upset. My wife is one that thinks that as long as there are checks in the checkbook there is plenty of money. She can whip out here ATM card faster then Wyatt Earp can his six-shooter.
So I went into to ask her. She was in bed sharpening her cla....filing her nails. So I asked her if these were gifts for her "girlfriend" gift exchange at work, and that I had to transfer money over to cover them. I thought we were done with our shopping. She then looks up at me with those sad puppy eyes and says "Those are gifts I bought for you."
I went from being 5' 9" to just a few inches tall. I didn't know how to respond or what to say.
She just did an "end around" on me. As I turned and walked away I felt like a Brown's linebacker trying to stop LaDianian Tomlinson mumbling to myself.
Now I have to go out and get her something.
There is no way I'm going to get to Christmas morning, where everyone is opening up gifts, tearing into packages, and there is my wife with nothing.
And of course her response to anything you might say will be "That's OK honey. My gift is watching the happy face on all of you."
She has just gained an edge. She is one-up on you now. And it's a debt that will no be forgotten. Somehow and somewhere, at a certain point and time in the future, that "debt" must be paid men.
So I am now having to do my research in order to get her something.
These are the types of decisions that we men have to be very careful, inputting alot of thought, in making.
We have no problem making such decisions as do I or don't I nuc Iran? Do I or don't I send a CIA hit squad after Chavez?
Easy decisions to make. Piece of cake.
We don't have to worry about saving the receipt, whether they will like it or not, or having to stand in line the day after Christmas trying to return it.
So here are some tips I've learned after being married for 25 years....
I've learned that a woman's closet has two types....
those that she is currently wearing, and
those that she can't wear, won't throw away, and is hoping someday to be able to wear again.
If you value your life, play it safe and stay away from the 24Ws and go with the size 12s.
If you have to get the wrong size, it's far better to go small. If she opens up a package and finds a pair of designer jeans that are too small for her, you can always say "You look like a size 12 to me honey".
But you cannot explain a size 24. You would have far greater success negotiating with North Korea.
Stay away from anything lilac. I found out that is what 80 yr old grandmothers wear.
If she is expecting a diamond and you can't afford it, then since this is 2006 you can use the "Blood Diamond" excuse.... "I really wanted to get you one honey. I was standing in the jewelry store and had one all picked out. Then I though of the terrible conditions and forced slave labor it took to procure that diamond after seeing the movie. That is why I went with the Salad Shooter."
Just go to the back of her closet and find the newest pair. Clean the dust off of them and put them in a new box. They'll never know the difference.
And add that special touch. Get some odor eaters and bunion pads to go with it.
Don't try it on first. Not only does it stretch the heck out of it, but scares the crap out of the department store clerk.
I hope my advice will save alot of you men any pain and suffering.
Now... do any of you have any ideas what I can get my wife?