Chris Denorfia is the anti-Rich Aurillia.
If they remake The Natural with Josh Hamilton as the star, his wife would have to be played by someone five times as hot as Glenn Close. Yowza, she's attractive!
And would Will Ferrell play Adam Dunn?
Is there any truth to the rumor that Count Chocula is being cast as Aaron Harang?
I have the over on Cincinnati remaining unbeaten throughout Spring Training. Just so you know.
Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio? That's easy-- he's selling coffee and making out with Marilyn Monroe in heaven. The real question is, Where have you gone, Rube Waddell?
Face it, baseball needs fat pitchers. Outside of David Wells (and that's a whole lot better than inside him), there aren't any left. El Guapo is raising tomatoes in Mexico, Terry Forster is now a spokesman for the United Negro College Fund, and Charlie Kerfeld has been beamed up to Mars. Not only are fat pitchers fun to watch and interview, they're great for the team. They help morale because everyone else on the team can point at them and say, "At least I don't look like Orca." Too, they allow the casual fan the pipedream that he, too, could go out there and perform adequately enough to make millions while wearing stretchy pants.
Hurry back, Eddie Guardado. Baseball needs you.
This just in: third base has become downright scary offensively. Just two years ago, the hot corner in the National League was Scott Rolen and the low men. With the emergence of David Wright, EdE, Ryan Zimmerman, Chad Tracy and Aramis Ramirez's blossoming power, the NL is solid. And the American League is light years ahead of that. Add in all the solid to great prospects on the cusp of making the bigs and this is the Gold Era of the Hot Corner.
Isn't it nice to be talking about third, fourth, and fifth starters while grumbling, rather than the first two? The Harang/ Arroyo tandem might be the best starting duo this side of San Francisco. Add in Bailey's erstwhile talent and it looks even better.
Of course, Bud Black is now in San Francisco. He's worth five games as a pitching coach. At least.
Milwaukee might be the darkhorse candidate to win the NL Central, but Bill Hall is not Gorman Thomas. The lack of a walrus moustache helps. That '82 Brewer team had some great names. Cecil Cooper rolled off the tongue, as did Ben Oglivie. Jim Gantner was good and Robin Yougnt somehow fit the lithe shortstop of the era. None of this mentions Rollie Fingers.
Baseball needs not only fat pitchers, but teams with better names. We crave assonance and consonance. We need our Miguel Maldonados and Buddy Biancalanas. If you happen to own a boring last name, add a nickname and it makes sense.
The Reds of today have hope. Homer Bailey is a natural. Bronson Arroyo owns the requisite vowel sounds. Aaron Harang is close. If Adam Dunn could find a nickname, it might help. Ditto for Ryan Freel. EdE isn't bad.
The problem is with the other guys.
Sure, Coffey could be a good moniker, but he needs something more peppy to go along with it than Todd. Todd's a Phi Delt with a 2.7 GPA and a growing alcohol dependency issue. Todd's a future banker or investment capital manager.
Brandon Phillips? Snooze. (And don't even get me started on BPhil. Sounds like a Hardee's commercial.) AGon sounds like a cut-rate detergent. Josh Hamilton sounds like my next door neighbor. Denorfia is an okay last name, but Chris just plain sucks. It's like you guys aren't even trying. At least Norris Hopper is a quality nom de plume. And Conine is above average, although Jeff loses further name points.
Still, the minor leagues hold out some hope. Joey Votto sounds like a hit man for the cosa nostra and Drew Stubbs appeals to those interested in imagery. Jay Bruce needs help, though BA pegged him as "The Boss" and that's helpful. Travis Wood and Johnny Cueto are also decent.
Remember, sports fans, though Paul Janish might vanish, the name will remain.
At least that's what Gorman Thomas said.
And Bill Hall agrees.
While you were reading this, Chris Denorfia got screwed three times by Reds' management. There was not, however, any truth to the rumor that Jerry Narron had Denorfia's bed taken from Sarasota while he was sleeping in it and left outside the city limits.
Is it just me or is the little soul patch below the bottom lip the most annoying fashion trend since low riding pants? It's like these guys can't make up their minds, or, even worse, simply lost interest in shaving right when they got the their lips.
Personally, I blame Scott Speizio.