BRADY QUINN'S INNER TORMENT ON SATURDAY

Man, my hair looks great. I mean, I think it looks really good. I used some product, but not a lot. I really worked it into the ends. Gives it a nice sheen. It looks playful, yet serious all at once. I think teams will get a really good message from this hair. Iím a matinee idol, but Iím also one of the guys. And thatís important. God, what a great day. I canít wait to be a Raider. Iíve always wanted to turn a franchise around. I wonder if Jerry Porter likes to play Ultimate. I bet we could really connect if we played some Ultimate together.

With the first pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders select JaMarcus Russell.

What? Oh, man. Oh, that is their loss, man. I mean, Condon told me they were planning on taking that guy, but I didnít actually BELIEVE him. But I guess it makes sense. Everyone in Oakland is black, so they needed a black QB. I get that. Thatís a very progressive attitude, and I support it. God, my hair looks great. I wish I had remembered my concealer today. I wonder if Mr. Davis noticed the blemishes. I thought they gave me a really rugged sort of look. I should have brought my concealer. ****. Oh well, guess Iím headed to Detroit.

With the second pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Detroit Lions select Calvin Johnson.

Oh, man. Really? No, no. Thatís okay. I understand that. They have Jon Kitna already, and heís a good Christian. I guess Iím going to Cleveland. Man, theyíre gonna go crazy for my bearÖ uh, girlfriend in Cleveland. No one in Cleveland is this blonde. Man, she is BLONDE. Guys like blondes, right? Am I right on that? I made sure she dyed it SUPER blonde. God, sheís almost like an albino. Thatís a good look. Very Finnish. Man, my hair looks good. Hello, Cleveland! Hello, Cleveland!

With the third pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Cleveland Browns select Joe Thomas.

Hello? Cleveland? Man, whatís happening? Is it the Virginia Tech pin? Was that too transparent? God, my hair looks so good. Kyan Douglas did it himself. I donít get this. Joe Thomas doesnít have great hair. Heís not even here! Heís fishing!

Oh God, thatís it! He went fishing! Thatís, like, what guys do! Oh man, heís so smart! By, like, saying he wasnít interested in going to the draft, that made him look tough. I totally should have skipped the draft to get my legs waxed. Or go hunting. Definitely go hunting. Thatís the right move. Uh oh, here comes Suzy Kolber. Okay, act dignified. Youíre going into broadcasting 15 years from now, Quinn. Get your polish down now!

Okay, that went well. Maybe Tampa will take me.

With the fourth pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Tampa Bay Bucs select Gaines Adams.

Maybe not. Maybe the Redskins will. If anyone knows star power, itís Mr. Snyder. I had dinner with him twice. I had the miso-glazed cod. I think it went really well.

With the sixth pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Washington Redskins select LaRon Landry.

I should have ordered the porterhouse.

With the seventh pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Minnesota Vikings select Adrian Peterson.

Itís the hair. I think the hair has scared people off. I think it looks TOO good. Like, if my hair looks this good, then maybe it would foster resentment in the locker room? But it looks GREAT!

****, you know what it is? Itís the vest. I had the vest sized one size too small. I really thought it look more manly if I were just bursting right out of it. That was an error. God, how could I have been so dumb? Clearly, I should have worn a jacket. The brown silk on the back is exposed! Itís not supposed to be exposed! Gah!

Okay Brades, just settle down. Itís clear now. Weíre going to Miami. This is good. Itís a great organization. And Miami is a perfect fit! The whole scene down on South Beach is really faboo. Okay, Iím excited. So I lost a little money. People in Miami will understand this hair, and what itís all about. I feel good. Iím gonna try and smile now, even though I can usually only manage a half-smirk, just like every lacrosse player ever born. All right, sunny Miami! Here I come!

With the ninth pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Miami Dolphins selectÖ

Yes?

Ted GiÖ


I canít see. I think Iím blind. Is this really happening? Can I get a Dasani? I think Iím having a hot flash. Oh God, here comes Suzy again. Oh, God. Man, sheís got the same look on her face that she gets when someoneís been carted off the field wearing a halo. I canít face herÖ I have to get awayÖ I have toÖ I have toÖ GO DANCING.

(leaves, goes dancing)

God, that felt great. Sometimes, you just have to go dance. Itís so freeing. Where are we now?

The New York Jets have made a trade.

Oooooh! Delicious! The Big Apple. Nice. Brades, I think you and I are gonna be just fine. I think Iíll live in DUMBO. Thatís a very in neighborhood right now. John Norris from MTV lives there, I think.

With the fourteenth pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the New York Jets selectÖ

Hoo boy, here we go!

ÖDarrelle Revis.

Who the **** is that? No, Iím NOT fine, thank you. I am now officially PISSED OFF. Okay? I did everything right except beat ranked opponents. Look at my hair! I didnít get this hair styled just to be a second rounder! Ridiculous. Nobody else coordinated like I did, god dammit. I want some resolution here.

(phone rings)

Condon? Hey, Ďsup. What? The Ravens want to trade up for me? Really? You know what? Thatís perfect. And you know why? Because none of this would have happened if those ******* Browns had just picked me. *******. **** Cleveland. There. I said it. **** Ďem. They donít rock ****. You donít deserve this hair, Cleveland. Youíre just Columbus on a ******* lake. Okay? Look at me! Iím showing some fire! Iím a competitor, God dammit! And now I get to go to the Ravens and torture you Clevelanders for the rest of your ******* existence. The irony is a delight. Youíll pay, Cleveland. Brades is gonna haunt you.

The Cleveland Browns have made a trade.

Pfft. Whatever. They probably traded up to draft a tater tot or some other inanimate object. **** you Cleveland.

With the twenty-second pick in the 2007 NFL Draft, the Cleveland Browns select Brady Quinn.

Oh. Uh, goodie. UmÖ I love Cleveland! I really do! Always have! Iím really excited. No, I really am. Joe Thomas. Dennis Northcutt. Itís great. How my hair? Is it okay? I hope this hat doesn't ruin it.