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Thread: 100 Unsexiest Men of 2007

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    GR8NESS WMR's Avatar
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    100 Unsexiest Men of 2007

    http://thephoenix.com/article_ektid37369.aspx

    Really, really funny.

    Some highlights:

    [100] TOM CRUISE
    Religio-cinematic icon

    The heat Cruise emitted early in his career has evaporated, leaving a smirking corpse only slightly colder than the Wicked Witch of the West (to name another humorless cartoon, prone to disturbingly manic episodes, who melts when squirted). About as sexy as a toad turd, Cruise struts around like a smaller, yappier version of Schwarzenegger-as-Terminator (check his cyborg-like smile and virtuous embrace of a bizarre science-fiction scenario masquerading as quasi-religion) but comes off even creepier, given his campaign to impregnate and enslave — sorry, wed in holy matrimony — impressionable young actresses.

    [90] JOHN KRUK
    Roundballer

    This ex-first baseman turned baseball analyst may have cut the mullet and lost a good deal of his playing weight (at his peak with the 1993 Philadelphia Phillies he looked like he had gone way past three bills). But that doesn't mean things have improved: the Baseball Tonight “expert” (whose on-air comments are anything but) has a Homer Simpson gut, and his hairstyle is now just a slicked-back mess, à la the Valdez.

    [80] ANN COULTER
    Hell*****

    Honorary member of the rodded gender thanks to a conspicuous Adam’s apple and complementary set of brass balls.

    [74] PEYTON MANNING
    Spokesmodel

    Even though we’re Patriots fans, we don’t begrudge Manning his Super Bowl victory. Honest. He’s got bad skin, resembles a life-size Hummel — hell, it’s like someone took Haley Joel Osment and stretched him vertically. In honor of his making this list, we’ve gone ahead and reserved a tee time for him in January of 2008. You know, since he won’t have anything better to do.

    [51] ANTHONY CUMIA
    Radio harlot

    It was a tough call to pick just one of the unimportant, greasy co-hosts of the Opie and Anthony Show, since women are nearly universally allergic to both of them. Anthony wins by a (misshapen) nose, a pencil neck, a scraggly steel-wool excuse for a haircut, and a goatee that went out of style back in 1994.

    [28] DUSTIN “SCREECH” DIAMOND
    Reality-porn star

    Shockingly deviant, cretinous former child star who scammed fans by selling T-shirts to help him avoid foreclosure on his house — there were no such proceedings against him — and who starred in a repulsive sex tape, Saved by the Smell, which featured him doing the Dirty Sanchez.

    [3] FLAVOR FLAV
    Public Enemy


    Here’s a thought that kept us company while we were compiling the list. You know the white, pasty flakes of sputum that collect at the corners of Flav’s mouth? (Flavor crystals, we’ve taken to calling them.) Where do those go when he makes out with his ladies?

    Others receiving votes:
    OTHERS RECEIVING VOTES: George Allen; Travis Barker; Chris Berman; Jack Black; John Bolton; Barry Bonds; Danny Bonaduce; Mr. Boston from VH1’s I Love NY; Christopher “Big Black” Boykin; Bobby Brown; Bill Bradley; Kobe Bryant; Bubba the Love Sponge; Steve Buscemi; George W Bush; Gary Busey; Jose Canseco; Carrot Top; Michael Crichton; Les Claypool; Gary Coleman; Mad Money’s Jim Cramer; Billy Crystal; Billy Ray Cyrus; Glenn Danzig; Brandon Davis; Tom Delay; Danny Devito; Andy Dick; Dame Edna; Lou Dobbs; Fabio; Roger Federer; Will Ferrell; the Hold Steady’s Craig Finn; Barney Frank; Michael Gelman; Virgil Goode; David Hasslehoff; Pee-wee Herman; Tommy Hilfiger; Michael Jackson; Ron Jeremy; Billy Joel; Richard Johnson; Chris Kattan; Toby Keith; Kid Rock; Don King; Bill Kristol; Janie Lane; fat Jared Leto; Lil’ Jon; Jon Lovitz; Joel Madden; John Madden; Marilyn Manson; John McCain; Isaac Mizrahi; Rupert Murdoch; Ron Perlman,” the “Beast”-ly actor; Ron Perelman, the beastly billionaire and divorcer of Ellen Barkin; Regis Philbin; Scottie Pippen; the poisoned Russian spy/poisoned Ukrainian Prime Minister; Ron Popeil; Prince Charles; Axl Rose; Rock Star: Supernova’s Lukas Rossi; Donald Rumsfeld; Rick Salomon; Ryan Seacrest; Bob Seger; Gene Shalit; Al Sharpton; Richard Simmons; Shepard Smith; David Spade; Jerry Springer; Sylvester Stallone; Howard Stern; George Takei; Tom from MySpace; John Travolta; Keith Urban; Vanilla Ice; Don Vito; Paul Wall; Deryck Whibley; Shaun White; Forrest Whitaker; the New Republic’s Leon Wieseltier; Rainn Wilson; Weird Al Yankovic.
    Quote Originally Posted by Scrap Irony View Post
    Calipari is not, nor has he ever been accused or "caught", cheating. He himself turned in one of his players (Camby) for dealing with an agent to get one Final Four overturned. The other is all on the NCAA and Rose. (IF Rose cheated.)
    "Cheering for Kentucky is like watching Star Wars and hoping Darth Vader chokes an ewok"


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    Re: 100 Unsexiest Men of 2007

    TeamSelig

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    Senor Votto Degenerate39's Avatar
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    Re: 100 Unsexiest Men of 2007

    I quit looking at this when I saw Bob Saget. They quite obviously don't know what sexy and unsexy is.
    Last edited by Degenerate39; 05-18-2007 at 09:39 PM.
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    Baseball card addict MrCinatit's Avatar
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    Re: 100 Unsexiest Men of 2007

    How could a couple of studs like Les Claypool and Ron Jeremy be put on the list? I thought chicks dug Primus and The Hedgehog.

  6. #5
    Churlish Johnny Footstool's Avatar
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    Re: 100 Unsexiest Men of 2007

    Axl Rose? Janie Lane? Bagging on ex-metal stars twenty years past their prime is like shooting fish in a barrel. Where do David Coverdale and Taime Down rank?
    "I prefer books and movies where the conflict isn't of the extreme cannibal apocalypse variety I guess." Redsfaithful

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    Member klw's Avatar
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    Re: 100 Unsexiest Men of 2007

    [55] RONALDINHO
    Goal getter

    The world’s greatest soccer player is so ugly, even his action figure has buck teeth. Kissing him must be like getting kicked in the face by a donkey.

    Excellent

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    Re: 100 Unsexiest Men of 2007

    Joakim Noah? How about Dog Chapman?

  9. #8
    Rally Onion! Chip R's Avatar
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    Re: 100 Unsexiest Men of 2007

    Whither Julian Tavarez?
    The Rally Onion wants 150 fans before Opening Day.

    http://www.facebook.com/pages/Rally-...24872650873160

  10. #9
    So Long Uncle Joe BoydsOfSummer's Avatar
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    Re: 100 Unsexiest Men of 2007

    Quote Originally Posted by TeamSelig View Post
    Joakim Noah? How about Dog Chapman?

    "I'm the Dog....the white trash dog....


    The Dogster made his (I assume) acting debut on 'My Name Is Earl' this week. He tracked down Joy who had fled to Mexico to avoid jail. Good stuff.
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    Re: 100 Unsexiest Men of 2007

    While I enjoy these lists sometimes, they often go on 90 people too long.

  12. #11
    Mod Law zombie-a-go-go's Avatar
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    Re: 100 Unsexiest Men of 2007

    You'll note that nowhere on that list does my name appear.
    "It's easier to give up. I'm not a very vocal player. I lead by example. I take the attitude that I've got to go out and do it. Because of who I am, I've got to give everything I've got to come back."
    -Ken Griffey Jr.

  13. #12
    smells of rich mahogany deltachi8's Avatar
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    Re: 100 Unsexiest Men of 2007

    I guess that bribe I sent in worked and kept me off the list once again.
    Nothing to see here. Please disperse.

  14. #13
    Potential Lunch Winner Dom Heffner's Avatar
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    Re: 100 Unsexiest Men of 2007

    I quit looking at this when I saw Bob Saget. Theye quite obviously don't know what sexy and unsexy is.
    The jab at Saget also seems inaccurate: His standup has always been filthy if I recall correctly- it was not later made to be adult oriented to change his image or make people forget Full House(as if anything could, really).
    I'm interested in jobs and you won't create jobs by forcing employers to pay their employees $9/hr- Sea Ray
    I'd say min wage should be about $9/hr - Sea Ray

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    GR8NESS WMR's Avatar
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    Re: 100 Unsexiest Men of 2007

    Where's BRM and Ltlabner?
    Quote Originally Posted by Scrap Irony View Post
    Calipari is not, nor has he ever been accused or "caught", cheating. He himself turned in one of his players (Camby) for dealing with an agent to get one Final Four overturned. The other is all on the NCAA and Rose. (IF Rose cheated.)
    "Cheering for Kentucky is like watching Star Wars and hoping Darth Vader chokes an ewok"


  16. #15
    Let's ride BRM's Avatar
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    Re: 100 Unsexiest Men of 2007

    Quote Originally Posted by WilyMoROCKS View Post
    Where's BRM and Ltlabner?
    We're on the other list - 100 Sexiest Men of 2007.


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