Really, really funny.

Some highlights:

Religio-cinematic icon

The heat Cruise emitted early in his career has evaporated, leaving a smirking corpse only slightly colder than the Wicked Witch of the West (to name another humorless cartoon, prone to disturbingly manic episodes, who melts when squirted). About as sexy as a toad turd, Cruise struts around like a smaller, yappier version of Schwarzenegger-as-Terminator (check his cyborg-like smile and virtuous embrace of a bizarre science-fiction scenario masquerading as quasi-religion) but comes off even creepier, given his campaign to impregnate and enslave — sorry, wed in holy matrimony — impressionable young actresses.


This ex-first baseman turned baseball analyst may have cut the mullet and lost a good deal of his playing weight (at his peak with the 1993 Philadelphia Phillies he looked like he had gone way past three bills). But that doesn't mean things have improved: the Baseball Tonight “expert” (whose on-air comments are anything but) has a Homer Simpson gut, and his hairstyle is now just a slicked-back mess, à la the Valdez.


Honorary member of the rodded gender thanks to a conspicuous Adam’s apple and complementary set of brass balls.


Even though we’re Patriots fans, we don’t begrudge Manning his Super Bowl victory. Honest. He’s got bad skin, resembles a life-size Hummel — hell, it’s like someone took Haley Joel Osment and stretched him vertically. In honor of his making this list, we’ve gone ahead and reserved a tee time for him in January of 2008. You know, since he won’t have anything better to do.

Radio harlot

It was a tough call to pick just one of the unimportant, greasy co-hosts of the Opie and Anthony Show, since women are nearly universally allergic to both of them. Anthony wins by a (misshapen) nose, a pencil neck, a scraggly steel-wool excuse for a haircut, and a goatee that went out of style back in 1994.

Reality-porn star

Shockingly deviant, cretinous former child star who scammed fans by selling T-shirts to help him avoid foreclosure on his house — there were no such proceedings against him — and who starred in a repulsive sex tape, Saved by the Smell, which featured him doing the Dirty Sanchez.

Public Enemy

Here’s a thought that kept us company while we were compiling the list. You know the white, pasty flakes of sputum that collect at the corners of Flav’s mouth? (Flavor crystals, we’ve taken to calling them.) Where do those go when he makes out with his ladies?

Others receiving votes:
OTHERS RECEIVING VOTES: George Allen; Travis Barker; Chris Berman; Jack Black; John Bolton; Barry Bonds; Danny Bonaduce; Mr. Boston from VH1’s I Love NY; Christopher “Big Black” Boykin; Bobby Brown; Bill Bradley; Kobe Bryant; Bubba the Love Sponge; Steve Buscemi; George W Bush; Gary Busey; Jose Canseco; Carrot Top; Michael Crichton; Les Claypool; Gary Coleman; Mad Money’s Jim Cramer; Billy Crystal; Billy Ray Cyrus; Glenn Danzig; Brandon Davis; Tom Delay; Danny Devito; Andy Dick; Dame Edna; Lou Dobbs; Fabio; Roger Federer; Will Ferrell; the Hold Steady’s Craig Finn; Barney Frank; Michael Gelman; Virgil Goode; David Hasslehoff; Pee-wee Herman; Tommy Hilfiger; Michael Jackson; Ron Jeremy; Billy Joel; Richard Johnson; Chris Kattan; Toby Keith; Kid Rock; Don King; Bill Kristol; Janie Lane; fat Jared Leto; Lil’ Jon; Jon Lovitz; Joel Madden; John Madden; Marilyn Manson; John McCain; Isaac Mizrahi; Rupert Murdoch; Ron Perlman,” the “Beast”-ly actor; Ron Perelman, the beastly billionaire and divorcer of Ellen Barkin; Regis Philbin; Scottie Pippen; the poisoned Russian spy/poisoned Ukrainian Prime Minister; Ron Popeil; Prince Charles; Axl Rose; Rock Star: Supernova’s Lukas Rossi; Donald Rumsfeld; Rick Salomon; Ryan Seacrest; Bob Seger; Gene Shalit; Al Sharpton; Richard Simmons; Shepard Smith; David Spade; Jerry Springer; Sylvester Stallone; Howard Stern; George Takei; Tom from MySpace; John Travolta; Keith Urban; Vanilla Ice; Don Vito; Paul Wall; Deryck Whibley; Shaun White; Forrest Whitaker; the New Republic’s Leon Wieseltier; Rainn Wilson; Weird Al Yankovic.