Best. [ultimate thing or experience.] Ever/Evar.
Likely originating in the reverse ("worst [x] ever"), this cliché still has a deathgrip on the media, in all its sincere and sarcastic permutations. It's usually taken to mean a state of permanent, perpetual bestness, which is of course unsustainable. Sooner or later, something will not be the best [x] ever, and this phrase is a perfect example.
[undesirable counter-example], not so much.
The punchline that ends a thousand million columns and blog posts. Weak as the lightest of lite beers, or the puny farts you get from such beer.
FTW, O RLY, lol, FTL, OMG, FWIW, btw, PWND, ROTFL, etc.
These are borderline acceptable if you're instant messaging, speed-typing while online gaming, or expressing approval of a pornographic image posted to your favorite kink forum. Beyond that, stop it. Even if your audience uses these expressions in daily life, such practice should not be encouraged. Self-consciously peppering normal discourse with geekspeak acronyms (especially when used in conjunction with non-geek subjects) no longer rescues your words by way of anti-coolness. See also: "teh" anything.
[negative experience, situation, or description]; I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.
In a rare sane move, most writers realize this one is dead, and thus avoid it. However, only when "threw up in my mouth" is completely exterminated from the world consciousness may we all rest in peace.
[purposefully non-ghetto statement], yo.
Often used in conjunction other ghetto nonfabulous phrases like "Oh snap!" and "The [object or situation] was mad [obscure adjective]," the ubiquitous "yo" is a red flag of caucasianness, or at least non-blackness, or certainly anti-hipness. See also "haterade," "shizzle," and so on. One waves the flag to signal and suborn the anti-cool nature of the associated prose, but these days, "yo" and its ghetto-term relations sound tired even when uttered by actual ghetto residents.
[undesirable conclusion]. Oy.
Even more so than fake ghettospeak, fake Jewspeak has been completely drained of impact, which perversely has made it even more prevalent in media and blogs (due to the well-known Jewish control of both). "Oy" in particular is a universally pointless and fantastically lazy way to express discontent without actually saying anything.
[amazed paraphrase of opposing position]. Seriously? Seriously?
Deadly serious in fact. The prose equivalent of telling a bad joke, wiggling your eyebrows, and saying "Eh? Eh? Eh? Am I right?" to your readers.
What's next? [outlandish scenario]?
Take something you don't like, then imagine a nutty alternate universe where that thing is exaggerated beyond all reason. One must follow from the other, correct? Your rhetorical work here is done.
I'm looking at you, [example of complaint].
Has been known to cause actual outbreaks of hives. As if the thing/person "looked" at would react with a surprised and bashful "Who, me?". Puts the writer in the unflattering role (for all concerned) of pedantic schoolteacher addressing unruly children.
As a verbal tic in conversation, "um" is perfectly acceptable and often auditorially invisible. Written in prose, it signals a level of smarmy superiority that would get you rightly punched in the face if you dared behave like that in person.
[Argument], wait for it, [rhetorical flourish].
Where did this come from? Stage direction cues in the theater? No matter, it's a ridiculous tease and artificial tension builder that's never worth the wait.
[Undesirable experience] made my [sensory organ] bleed.
One hopes there are people who've actually had their eyes, ears, or other parts bleed in such situations, so they can use this expression in all clinical honesty. Beyond that, inexcusable.
"Goodness" once might have served as a comical placeholder for sarcastic expressions of positivity, but now it exists in this construction purely to demonstrate the high-lariousness of the writer. A near cousin replaces "goodness" with a noun specific to the context, such as "his sexy backness."
Not orgasmic in any respect, and long past funny or clever.
[x] is the new [y].