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Thread: Gorillas are cool

  1. #1
    Smells Like Teen Spirit jmcclain19's Avatar
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    Gorillas are cool

    If anyone missed this Baseball America Prospect Diary by Padres minor leaguer Dirk Hayhurst over on BA's free section of their site - it's absolutely hysterical.

    http://www.baseballamerica.com/today...08/265480.html

    'Gorillas Are Cool'

    By Dirk Hayhurst
    January 21, 2008

    A few days before Christmas, Major League Baseball asked me to clear my schedule.

    The next evening around 8, a rental car pulled in. A large man named Earl emerged, showed me his leather-bound, official ID and a large, black bag. He followed me into my house, then into my bathroom, which he searched thoroughly. Once satisfied, he produced a plastic vessel from his bag and commanded me to fill it to the line, pants off, while he watched.

    Earl pretended to look at some of the tacky figurines my mother had lined our disgustingly pink bathroom with while I waited for nature to take its course. A watched pot never boils though, so I tried to cut the awkwardness by asking, "So, Earl, how do you like your job?"

    Earl gave a loathsome groan, which actually made it easier. I don't know how I would have felt if he said he loved it.

    Staying in shape in the offseason is serious business, so this year I joined a serious gym. Not one of those spa types or health-clubby ones with a few rusty weights in a dimly lit corner. I joined a real Temple of Testosterone, the kind of place where beverage coolers are stocked full of drinks bearing adjectives such as "ripped," "blast" and "explode."

    The magazines have muscle-bound, gladiator extras lifting ridiculous tonnage. The walls are lined with photos of fake-tanned super humans flexing hard enough to crack nuts between the rear folds of their purple G-strings.

    I have no idea what I'm doing there. Before I enter I close my eyes and repeat, "I am a professional athlete." The effect of my Dorothy-like mantra doesn't last as I am easily one fourth the size of every one else in the place. Women included.

    Most of the time, I scuttle about the place like a mouse in a church full of linebackers. Dudes in one corner grunt like an early Schwarzenegger movie. Dudes in the other corner scream to get an extra rep in. All the while, the apocalyptic death metal pumped through the gym's speakers thunders until my head feels like it's been bowled through a minefield.

    One gentleman is larger than the rest. I call him Hammer Pants because of what he wears: baggy, American flag print, Hammer Pants.

    Hammer Pants is freakishly bigger than any man ought to be, like something out of a cartoon. It seems as if he tried to cut his shirt sleeves off but missed, because all that remains is a thin strip of fabric and collar.

    Chest hair, arm hair and back hair all are there to be seen, beads of sweat dangling off each follicle, eagerly awaiting their chance to slather over any equipment I may want to use.

    Watching Hammer Pants ride the exercise bike is like watching a bear ride a unicycle. Hammer Pants probably could bench my car. He's pretty impressive, if only a tad scary. Yet, I'll bet no one showed up last night to watch him take a whiz.

    I once saw a shirt that said, "No, I am not on steroids, but thanks for asking."

    Though I have never used steroids and don't plan to, I have done everything else in my legal power to get an edge in baseball. I've tried a myriad of proteins, creatines, vitamins, workouts, throwing programs, grips, stretches, meditations, prayer meetings, books, tapes, books on tape, Internet videos, lectures and even yoga. In fact, after dumping a lot of my time and money into half-baked ideas I thought would help get me to the big leagues, the only thing I'm in danger of testing positive for is stupidity.

    "Dirk, here's how I'm going to put how good this stuff is," says my friend confidently, as he winds up to pitch me his latest infallible plan for sports greatness. We are both clean-cut, so I trust him. "I'm going to let you pick the 10 strongest men in the world—no, the 12 strongest men—and we are going to put them up in a fight in Las Vegas against my one guy."

    "I could let you go one-on-one, but I am going to let you put all your guys in the ring against my one guy at once."

    He says the last part like a real agent, as if he actually makes fights for this dude.

    Sucked in by the prospect of comic book-like carnage, I go along, dispelling any thoughts of too-good-to-be-true.

    "OK, but I got to tell you: my guy, well, he's a silverback gorilla, and he's gonna tear your guys apart."

    "Gorillas are cool," I say, mesmerized.

    "Yeah, and they don't eat any meat like we do. All vegetables and stuff. So, I discovered this company, a real up and comer, that makes protein supplements out of 100 percent gorilla food."

    "Wow, real gorilla food."

    "Totally. And you can get it for like a couple hundred bucks, man. If you think about it, it makes sense. Gorillas are super strong, and they don't eat steaks like we do. I think you should try it. I am."

    A few hundred dollars worth of bamboo and grass-clipping shakes later, I started to see the error of my ways. I am still no closer to benching a car, wearing hammer pants or coyly explaining to anyone, "No, but thanks for asking."

    I am, however, spending more time in the bathroom.

    At least this time it's unsupervised.

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  3. #2
    Hey Cubs Fans RFS62's Avatar
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    Re: Gorillas are cool

    That kid is some great writer.
    "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
    ~ Mark Twain

  4. #3
    Please come again pedro's Avatar
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    Re: Gorillas are cool

    Quote Originally Posted by RFS62 View Post
    That kid is some great writer.

    no kidding.
    Get your nunchucks and the keys to your dad's car. I know where we can get a gun

  5. #4
    Vampire Weekend @Bernie's camisadelgolf's Avatar
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    Re: Gorillas are cool

    He's also an Ohio native. I'll be rooting for him big-time. It's doubtful he'll ever become an All-Star, but his K/BB ratio in 2007 gives him some hope.

  6. #5
    Baseball card addict MrCinatit's Avatar
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    Re: Gorillas are cool

    Even if he really never makes it as a ballplayer, surely he has a history in the media (I wonder if he can vocalize as well - I know Kruk and McCarvery are some big shoes to fill, but...)

  7. #6
    Redsmetz redsmetz's Avatar
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    Re: Gorillas are cool

    Quote Originally Posted by MrCinatit View Post
    Even if he really never makes it as a ballplayer, surely he has a history in the media (I wonder if he can vocalize as well - I know Kruk and McCarvery are some big shoes to fill, but...)
    I know you were jesting, but I'd aim for the Jim Brosnan star. The kid's a good writer.
    “In the same way that a baseball season never really begins, it never really ends either.” - Lonnie Wheeler, "Bleachers, A Summer in Wrigley Field"

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    Re: Gorillas are cool

    That kid definately has a future as a columnist. And, if he talks as well as he writes, he's someone that I'd probably enjoy listening to during a game or on a sports wrap-up show on ESPN or Fox.

    I'll have to make a note to watch how he does this year.

    Rem

  9. #8
    Hey Cubs Fans RFS62's Avatar
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    Re: Gorillas are cool

    Quote Originally Posted by remdog View Post
    That kid definately has a future as a columnist. And, if he talks as well as he writes, he's someone that I'd probably enjoy listening to during a game or on a sports wrap-up show on ESPN or Fox.

    I'll have to make a note to watch how he does this year.

    Rem


    I've heard him on XM. He's very articulate.
    "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
    ~ Mark Twain

  10. #9
    Passion for the game Team Clark's Avatar
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    Re: Gorillas are cool

    I have to say I was actually looking forward to each sentence and laughed out loud at least 3 times. Excellent piece of work.
    It's absolutely pathetic that people can't have an opinion from actually watching games and supplementing that with stats. If you voice an opinion that doesn't fit into a black/white box you will get completely misrepresented and basically called a tobacco chewing traditionalist...
    Cedric 3/24/08

  11. #10
    Stat Wanker Hodiernus RedsManRick's Avatar
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    Re: Gorillas are cool

    Looks like a Padres bullpen prospect if I've ever seen one. Strikes out enough guys. Good control. Keeps the ball in the yard.
    Games are won on run differential -- scoring more than your opponent. Runs are runs, scored or prevented they all count the same. Worry about scoring more and allowing fewer, not which positions contribute to which side of the equation or how "consistent" you are at your current level of performance.

  12. #11
    Rally Onion! Chip R's Avatar
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    Re: Gorillas are cool

    That's good stuff.
    The Rally Onion wants 150 fans before Opening Day.

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    Re: Gorillas are cool

    That's spectacular. Thanks for posting it.
    "Even a bad day at the ballpark beats the snot out of most other good days. I'll take my scorecard and pencil and beer and hot dog and rage at the dips and cheer at the highs, but I'm not ever going to stop loving this game and this team and nobody will ever take that away from me." Roy Tucker October 2010

  14. #13
    Baseball card addict MrCinatit's Avatar
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    Re: Gorillas are cool

    Quote Originally Posted by redsmetz View Post
    I know you were jesting, but I'd aim for the Jim Brosnan star. The kid's a good writer.
    Actually, I was being serious (just didn't vocalize it right).
    I've enjoyed Dirk's writing quite a bit - I can see a lot of passion, spirit and pure love for the game I don't see from your typical sports writer - and even a few of the players. A story he did during the summer about a kid in the bullpen was probably the most touching sports story I've ever read.
    But, I would seriously love to see if he could make it as an announcer. If he is quick enough on his feet, he could make listening to a game a whole lot of fun again.

  15. #14
    Member paulrichjr's Avatar
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    Re: Gorillas are cool

    Quote Originally Posted by MrCinatit View Post
    Actually, I was being serious (just didn't vocalize it right).
    I've enjoyed Dirk's writing quite a bit - I can see a lot of passion, spirit and pure love for the game I don't see from your typical sports writer - and even a few of the players. A story he did during the summer about a kid in the bullpen was probably the most touching sports story I've ever read.
    But, I would seriously love to see if he could make it as an announcer. If he is quick enough on his feet, he could make listening to a game a whole lot of fun again.
    I was trying to figure out who this kid was until you said this... I remember that article...It was classic.


    Here it is for those who didn't get a chance to read it the first time...
    http://www.baseballamerica.com/today...es/264668.html
    Last edited by paulrichjr; 01-29-2008 at 02:57 PM.
    Tim McCarver: Baseball Quotes
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  16. #15
    Member klw's Avatar
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    Re: Gorillas are cool

    Well I just wasted half an hour reading his stuff.
    This one was fun.
    http://www.baseballamerica.com/today...es/264909.html


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