Jokes

[GAC]

Ethel was a bit of a demon in a wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed in the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a driver's license?'

Ethel fished around in her handbag, pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up. 'OK' he said, and Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner to the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP'. Have you got proof of insurance?

Again Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up. Harold nodded and said 'On your way Ma'am'.

As Ethel neared the final corridor, crazy Craig stepped out on front of her butt naked, holding his you-know-what in his hand.

"Oh good grief yelled Ethel, Not that damn breathalyzer again!"

-----------------------------------

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[TeamSelig]

hahahaha

[OldRightHander]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst trepidation he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, and tattoos, and tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son Johnnie
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

[OldRightHander]

After having dug to a depth of 10 yards last year, New
York scientists found traces of copper wire dating
back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their
ancestors already had a telephone network more than
100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks
that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of
20 yards, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times
newspaper read: "California archaeologists have found
traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded
that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech
communications network a hundred years earlier than
the New Yorkers."

One week later, The Chronicle, our
newspaper in Houston reported the following: "After
digging as deep as 30 yards in corn fields near
College Station, Texas A&M University's, Bubba
Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he
found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore
concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone
wireless."

[GAC]

Hmmm.... don't know what happened to the second part of my above post. Looked and read OK when I initially posted it, but oh well, here it is again...

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

[wally post]

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It (I love that one!)

5. What Do Fish Say W hen They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.


12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lie s At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers .

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!

The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack , Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack .

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer