Conan strikes again! More monologue zingers aimed at NBC; Craig piles on, too
NBC executive Jeff Gaspin told reporters on Sunday that he was giving Conan O'Brien and crew the weekend to think about the network's offer to bump "The Tonight Show" to 12:05, when, as someone pointed out, it's technically "The Tomorrow Show."
Well, apparently Conan and Co. spent at least some of that time cooking up more jokes. Here is what he told audiences at tonight's (Monday's) taping of "Tonight," followed by Craig Ferguson's not-entirely-sympathetic comments, also delivered tonight.
Good evening. I'm Conan O'Brien, the new host of "Last Call with Carson Daly."
This weekend no one was seriously hurt, but a 6.5 earthquake hit California. The earthquake was so powerful that it knocked Jay Leno's show from 10 o'clock to 11:35.
Everybody now wants to know what my plans are. All I can say is that I plan to continue putting on a great show night after night- while stealing as many office supplies as humanly possible.
On the positive side, I have learned a valuable lesson from all this: never sign a contract that ends with the word "NOT."
NBC announced that they expect to lose $200 million on the Winter Olympics next month. Is it just me or is that story hilarious? [And then later in the monologue....]
As I mentioned, NBC is shaking up its late night lineup yet again. They want to move Jay Leno back to 11:35. And there are a lot of rumors about what I'm going to do.
I've got a lot of options. I thought I'd share some of them with you right now..
- Host the Tonight Show at 12:05
- Star in a Lifetime original movie about a woman trapped in an abusive relationship with her network.
- Go to ABC and star in a male redhead version of 'Cougartown' called 'Redwolf Village'.
- Host a show on B.E.T. called 'White All Night'.
- Move to FOX and follow their hit "24" with a new show called "24:05."
- Televise my own colonoscopy on the Bravo Channel in a show called 'Project Funway'.
- Convince NBC to let me keep this time slot if I can gain 10 pounds of chin.
- Andy and I will become a team of wacky morning DJ's called 'Big Red And The Booger'.
- Pretend to put my son in a giant foil balloon, then sit back and watch the offers come pouring in!
- Perform the show live every night from Zanies Comedy Club at 7:30 and 9:30. (1/2 price drinks if you tell 'em "Coco" sent ya!)
- Bring sanity back to NBC by hiring Gary Busey as head of programming.
- Leave television altogether and work in a classier business with better people, like hard core porn.
Craig Ferguson's comments
“If you haven’t heard the news about the Late Night wars thing then congratulations, you have a life! But apparently Jay Leno is going back to 11:30. (Jay voice) “It’s a true story.” It is not a smooth transition though, a lot of feelings are getting hurt. And I like Jay and Conan. I honestly feel for them both. You know the world is on its ass when David Letterman and I are considered the ‘stable ones.’”
“It was really awkward this weekend at the Late Night Host Clubhouse. You know we all live together in a big house, it’s like on “Jersey Shore.” I share a bunk bed with Jimmy Fallon. He is farty, but it is okay because he’s on the bottom bunk right now. We switched a while back. David Letterman is king of the household. He gets his own room. No one knows what goes on in there, except his lawyers & the FBI. The NBC wing is very confusing: Jay Leno used to have his own room, now he is back to sharing with Conan. And Carson Daly doesn’t get a room at all, he sits in a corner in the kitchen saying, (rocking) “TRL… TRL…”
“Starting next month, Jay Leno will be on for a half hour. Conan “might” be on at midnight. But Conan apparently hasn’t decided what to do. And I am thinking, well they are looking for a judge at American Idol.”
“The truth is though I have to be honest about this. This is not Jay Leno’s fault. And it is not Conan O’Brien’s fault. Let’s just call it what it is. This whole mess is a direct result of atrocious management by a once great American network. The networks just do not treat late night shows with respect. For example, this morning my caviar was supposed to get here at 10:00 am. And it did not get here until 10:05, which completely ruined my massage. What I am saying, I think is, it is a bunch of middle age white guys arguing over who gets “X” million dollars, who gives a f*#%?”