Married Guys...How did you propose?

[rotnoid]

I proposed the day before Valentine's day after a night out (dinner, movie, what not). We returned to her parents' house, where she lived at the time. I stopped her on the front porch, got out the ring, got down on one knee and looked into her eyes and said my speech and what not. Just was I said the me in "will you marry me?" her then 15 year old brother starts beating on the window yelling, "Dan, motocross is on! MOTOCROSS!" So after we stopped laughing and she said yes and put on the ring, I went inside to "explain" to him what he'd just done.

He's getting married this weekend and I'm in the party. Not sure when yet, but the term Motocross will be coming out of my mouth at some point during all the festivities.

[registerthis]

I think our story is kind of neat...

We had been dating for nearly a year, and both of us knew that we had something special going on, although we hadn't really discussed marriage. Our one year dating anniversary was coming up, and while I had given a passing thought to proposing then, it seemed a little too cliched for my liking. Additionally, we were planning a trip to Australia that fall and I considered that a far greater opportunity.

Unbeknownst to me, my wife (then girlfriend) had thought she had picked up signals that I was going to pop the question on the night of our anniversary dinner. We had dinner at a nice restaurant in central DC, then took a stroll down to the Jefferson Memorial. I thought we were just out for a pleasant summer walk; she clearly was thinking something else. I had actually gotten her a pair of earrings as an anniversary gift, and I gave them to her while we were at the Memorial...I thought at the time that her reaction was a bit subdued, but passed it off to the fact that she hadn't actually gotten me anything as a gift, and probably felt a bit bad about it. (Turns out she was quite upset about this, but naturally I didn't pick up on it at the time...)

Fast forward three months, it's our fourth (and last) day in Sydney, and I had been carrying the ring around with me in my pocket for each of them, unsure of the time and place I was going to propose to her. Knowing that this was to be our last night in Sydney, after dinner I sugested we walk down to the habor and sit in front of the Sydney Opera House. The weather wasn't bad, but there was a strong wind blowing, and we were both tired--nonetheless, she reluctantly agreed to my suggestion. We strolled down to the harbor and sat on the second bench in front of the Opera House, facing the Sydney Harbour Bridge. After a few minutes of chit-chat (which I don't really remember at all), I reached into my pocket and brought out the ring; I think she was saying "yes" before I could even get the question out of my mouth. I couldn't have pictured a better setting, honestly.

[TeamSelig]

If marrying her is so important, just get her pregnant.

LOL

[vaticanplum]

If I can offer my perspective...

In college I was the guy a girl dated while on break with her long time beau. She just wasn't sure he was the guy she wanted to marry. There were some things she wasn't sure were deal breakers and simply wasn't ready to commit beyond what they had. They talked/emailed just a few times over a 4 month period. This is from two people who talked an hour or more in person and exchanged multiple emails/texts every day, long distance, for 3 years. But the spark was gone and she was tired. And I was somebody new and exciting (says her...).

In reality, she had lost perspective. She had grown to focus on the problems in their relationship, taking the rest for granted. Throughout our brief relationship, she was frequently distracted with thinking of him, though she wouldn't admit it. She was coming to the realization that no relationship would be perfect, that no angel would come down and tell her he was the one. And he was the one person who could not help her see that, despite his efforts. She needed to learn it on her own. Meanwhile, he was going through the same process. He was dating other women too.

We officially dated for about 2 months. I broke it off when I realized her heart was still with him. They summer after college, they got back together as friends at first. They fell back in love. The next summer they got engaged. They've been married over two years now.

That's not to say your girl will come back to you. But you should let her go. You cannot convince her to stay. And likewise, you have to explore the idea of moving on. You have to rediscover you without her. That's the you she fell in love with after all. And if after exploring, she wants to come back. And if after exploring, you want to come back, then good for you both.

But don't start with the wedding ring talk. That's putting the cart way in front of the horse. If you get back together, give yourselves time to enjoy each other again away from the pressure of a lifetime commitment. If that's in the cards, things could move in that direction quickly. But you can't make it happen.

RMR, I really thought you were about 50. You must be younger than I am.

It's times like this that I realize I've made assumptions about people on a message board without ever noticing I've done it. And it's times like this that I think, perhaps I should step away from the computer.

[M2]

Some thoughts...

- In every relationship but one, when we've hit the "let's take a break" fork in the road, she has gone her way and I've gone mine.

- I know it seems tragic at the time, but time heals all wounds and it's really best to move on rather than flog a terminally-ill horse with black flies buzzing around it. If it's so hard to make the relationship work, then that is a very telling statement.

- I used to think I needed to make every relationship work. But I found that the best ones just work organically and sail along. If it doesn't do that, its time to re-think things. As Woodie Allen said in Annie Hall, "relationships are like sharks, they have to move forward to live, what we have here is a dead shark".

- BTW, the "but one" exception is now an ex-wife. Think about it.

What Roy said.

I broke up with everyone I ever thought I should break up with except my ex-wife. Had I listened to the splitsville voice inside my head I wouldn't have regretted things not working out despite the time we spent together. What I regret are the years I wasted after that.

GC, I think you've got to be conscious of the very real possibility that what you're going through isn't missing her as much as the disorientation of being single for the first time in 2.5 years. Wanting to propose to her is a definite sign that you're romanticizing the situation.

My advice to anyone whose significant other has suggested they take a break is to see other people, no matter how weird that feels at first. Maybe we should see other people? No, definitely you should see other people. You very well might find you don't miss her nearly as much the second you have a good date with someone else. Also, often the person who delivers the "love you, but not in love with you" speech has their eye on someone else (or is already seeing someone else). That can be rough, but don't be the guy pining away for a girl who has moved on to another guy (not saying that is the case here, but the person in your shoes is always the last to know). Put your energy into yourself and take the opportunity to see who else is out there.

Maybe you will get back together. I know people who've gone that route, but my caution is those people seem to be constantly working on their relationship. My wife and I have been together for nearly 13 years and we don't work on our relationship much at all. We just have a relationship that works.

As for proposing, I got my wife pregnant. It worked for my parents and grandparents and apparently I learned from the successes of my elders.