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Thread: In search of some uplifting words.

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    Moderator Tommyjohn25's Avatar
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    In search of some uplifting words.

    Okay...deep breath.

    Let me start by saying this. I'm not usually the kind to complain, or even seek reinforcement from anyone because I don't like to bother people with my problems. I hate drama, and I hate whining, but for the first time in my life my will is being tested, and I have to say, I'm not a big fan. I figured I'd come here since I consider most of you my friends, even though I've never met a single one of you. Also, there seem to be some wise cats here.

    So, let me get you all up to speed. I moved to North Carolina this past February, I came here because my Dad bought a franchise here (Servpro Home Restoration) and we had high hopes for it, sky high actually. When I came here, I had to make several sacrifices. First and foremost, my girlfriend of almost 7 years, my rock, the absolute LIGHT of my life, had to stay behind for the time being. She is a chiropractor with her own practice, also she is still living in "our" house, so the decision was made between the two of us for her to stay in Ohio so we could make sure the business was going to be sucessful. That way, if it doesn't work out, we still have our house and she still has her client base. It really is the smart way to do it. The plan was to establish stability, and then she would move down here with me. Worst case scenario, it doesn't work, I move home and get my old job back. Not much to lose on my end it seemed. Also on the list of sacrifices I made. I had a spectacular group of friends in Ohio...great, great people. My dog is still with my girl, not to mention I LOVED our house. It is special to me, since it's ours.

    So...seems I was prepared right? I knew all the sacrifices I would be making before I left, right? Wrong. True, I knew of them. But I thought I was a stronger person than I would soon discover I was. Things started off well enough, at least as well as could be expected. The day I left Denise was without a doubt, the single hardest day and moment of my entire life, but by the time I arrived in NC I was optimistic as I could be. Ready to get the business going and my motivation (besides money of course) was to get my lady down here with me.

    Since then however, the business has struggled, mightily. It's gotten so bad that my Dad has begun to dip into his retirement just to pay the bills. I cannot even begin to accurately describe how bad it has been. Keeping that in mind, my own personal outlook has suffered. I don't know if it's because of the lack of sucess, being home sick, or a combination of both, but something inside me has definitely changed, and I hate it. Before the last month and a half or so, I was one of the most positive people you would ever meet. I was always happy, always laughing, and always loving everything about life. Now, I feel empty, sad, and VERY lonely.

    I can't point to an exact moment when I lost control of my emotions, but at this point, I feel as though I'm getting worse and worse every day, and I can't make it stop. To save money, myself, my Dad, and my brother all live in the same house. I now spend all my non-working hours in my bedroom which is the size of a jail cell, staring at the tv. I have learned that it's not so easy to make new friends when you're 29 years old, and spoken for. Honestly, I have gotten into such a rut, that I have no interest in making new friends down here.

    We now have the franchise up for sale, you would think I'd be disappointed, but at this point, I'm just ready to fall on my knees and cry "mercy". The bad thing is, with the economy in such a lull, it may take a year to sell it. I could just leave, but I can't bring myself to bail on my Dad, since he did this whole thing for me and my two older brothers. So here I sit, spinning my wheels away from those I love and getting nowhere. I really DO want the franchise to work, as it would benefit me and my girl for the better, however, it's not going to. I could type the reasons why but I would probably develop acute carpal tunnel if I did. The bottom line is, there is no light at the end of this abysmal tunnel, and I feel as if I have zero control over the situation. It feels like I have an internal war going on. The "happy" me I've known for 29 years is fighting for it's life, but the negativity is fighting back, and it feels like an army of millions. This is truly uncharted territory for me.

    So, for now, I guess I'll just pray that we get a buyer for the franchise so I can go back home. Back to where I belong. My old job was mediocre at best there, but I know now that my quality of life was that of a billionaire. Until that day comes, I guess I can just pray that I go numb....
    Benzinger backing and calling! And the 1990 world championship series belongs to the Cincinnati Reds!

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    Re: In search of some uplifting words.

    Just the fact that you posted this means that you're trying to find a way to be positive. You probably don't have to look too far to find many very close to you. Best of luck.

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    Potential Lunch Winner Dom Heffner's Avatar
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    Re: In search of some uplifting words.

    Tommyjohn25, I am so happy you wrote this. You are obviously in a sad state of mind and I always admire people who just let it out there for others to see.

    I remember growing up when people would talk about how life was about to get tough very shortly and until recently, I had no idea what they were talking about. I rode around a 2 mile radius on a 10 speed bike, I had every Star Wars doll manufactured, Pete Rose was my hero, heck, I even took piano lessons. I could get away with saying crazy things (I once explained pulling the ball to my ever attentive cousins as the ball "sticking to my bat" without so much as a question), staying up late, and truthfully ignoring every warning my parents ever gave me because I knew they'd be there to catch my every fall.

    There were little hints that things would always not go my way- Marci Lang or Paula Carter never liked me back no matter how many romantic letters my 8 year old heart could muster- but for the most part my parents made sure my life went full steam ahead with little to no problems.

    I find myself thinking of those days sometimes because life sure is a lot harder now. Like you, I've hit a bit of a rough patch lately and the thoughts you express here have all been through my head at one point or another. I have felt lost, missed things, made some mistakes where I knew better, made mistakes where nobody would have ever thought something could go wrong.

    I've hit rock bottom, bounced right back, only to have something put me right back down again.

    The difference between now and being a little kid, I think, is that it's all on me now. I have to straighten this all out. I have to be my own best friend, my own parent, the boss of my life.

    I can't tell you how do that in your situation. It may be grabbing hold of yourself and toughing this out, all the while knowing in your heart of hearts that even the worst of times are temporary. It might be grabbing all of your stuff and moving back to the one you love, world be damned, immediately as you finish reading these words.

    Though I can't tell you how to do it, I can tell you that if you don't take some control you risk losing yourself, your way, maybe even something else that you love dearly.

    I would guide yourself through this as you would a dear friend. Giving yourself the benefit of the doubt at every turn, with as much patience and love as you would with anybody you truly care for.

    With all apologies to Evan Dando, you're still a man, it's just a horse, and you've got the reins, whether you realize it or not.

    Take the reins, be your own best friend, and think about what would make you happy, what would make things right.

    Then do it.
    Last edited by Dom Heffner; 06-12-2008 at 04:10 AM.

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    Member SteelSD's Avatar
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    Re: In search of some uplifting words.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tommyjohn25 View Post
    I could just leave, but I can't bring myself to bail on my Dad, since he did this whole thing for me and my two older brothers.
    Go home. Get back to your girl. If your father opened up this opportunity to benefit you, then there's no way he could possibly hold you to the standard to which your're holding yourself.

    Go home.
    "The problem with strikeouts isn't that they hurt your team, it's that they hurt your feelings..." --Rob Neyer

    "The single most important thing for a hitter is to get a good pitch to hit. A good hitter can hit a pitch that’s over the plate three times better than a great hitter with a ball in a tough spot.”
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    1st pick 2022 B.B. draft George Foster's Avatar
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    Re: In search of some uplifting words.

    If the franchise is for sale, then everyone including your father has admitted that it is not going to work. You should not feel that you are leaving your family "high and dry." Eveyone in your family knows your situation about your old life and your girlfriend. If it was not going to work out, you were going back to your old life. You are not changing your plans. You have not deceived your family.

    I feel you know what to do but are just afraid to pull the trigger. We all (us guys) have male pride. Male pride is good to have to a point, however it has also destroyed marriages, friendships, and in certain situations have gotten people killed ( D.U.I's flying aircraft in bad weather, etc.).

    Being a responsible adult and a man sometimes requires you to "fold." Admitting a mistake is not bad, it does not make you less of a person or a failure. We all have failed. The people who I admire the most in life are people who admit failure, and do the things nessessary to correct the situation.

    Rick Pitino is one person I admire, because he admitted he made a mistake. He had just won a national championship in 96, and lost in the NCAA finals in 97. He was on top of the world. He was a god in Kentucky. He was offered a chance to go home to the North East and take over the most famed NBA franchise in history, the Boston Celtics. He would be given the head coaching job, GM, and be President of the Celtics. He would be the highest paid coach in the NBA. He felt he could not pass this up and he took the job. We all know how it ended. He failed. He was not fired. They could not afford to fire him. He quit. He left something like 27 million on the table. He could of taken a lot of college basketball jobs. He sat down with his wife and decided the best years of his life and his families life was in the state of Kentucky. When the job at Louisville came open he took it. He admitted he should of never left the University of Kentucky, it was a mistake. He had the chance to move back to Kentucky and he jumped at it. I hate the fact he left my Wildcats. However I admire the fact that he realized how good he had it here. Rick made decisions to correct his bad situation. This might be a poor sports analogy but it works for me.

    I would sit down with your dad and tell him how you feel. He must feel horrible guilt for talking you into moving. It might be a huge relief to him if you actually moved back. Communication with your dad and brothers is critical. This is your family, it's all you got. Tell them how you feel, and that you love each and everyone of them, but you got to move back. They will understand. Pull the trigger. You are in my prayers, good luck.
    Not this year...maybe a Wild Card

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    RZ Chamber of Commerce Unassisted's Avatar
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    Re: In search of some uplifting words.

    Quote Originally Posted by George Foster View Post
    I would sit down with your dad and tell him how you feel. He must feel horrible guilt for talking you into moving. It might be a huge relief to him if you actually moved back. Communication with your dad and brothers is critical. This is your family, it's all you got. Tell them how you feel, and that you love each and everyone of them, but you got to move back. They will understand. Pull the trigger. You are in my prayers, good luck.
    Good advice here. I couldn't have said it better myself.

    It sounds like your family's a victim of timing more than anything. Sometimes entrepreneurial opportunities fail for reasons that are beyond anyone's control. Talk to dad humbly with hat in hand, dust yourself off and move back home.
    /r/reds

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    2009: Fail Ltlabner's Avatar
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    Re: In search of some uplifting words.

    Just a random thought that may or may not help you out....

    But why is the business failing? I'm sure you and Dad have been pulling your hair out trying to figure that out. Perhaps it's worth getting a little outside help in to get some pointers that would help turn the ship around. Many (most) small businesses fail and many do so because of the many small things they are doing wrong adding up to sink them.

    Sure would be a shame to fold up your tent when there were some things you could do differently to make things succesfull.

    EDIT: I say this only because having something positive on which to focus your energies will help you to avoid feeling helpless and miserable.
    Last edited by Ltlabner; 06-12-2008 at 09:05 AM.
    a super volcano of ridonkulous suckitude.

    I simply don't have access to a "cares about RBI" place in my psyche. There is a "mildly curious about OBI%" alcove just before the acid filled lake guarded by robot snipers with lasers which leads to the "cares about RBI" antechamber though. - Nate

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    Joe Oliver love-child Blimpie's Avatar
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    Re: In search of some uplifting words.

    Quote Originally Posted by SteelSD View Post
    Go home. Get back to your girl. If your father opened up this opportunity to benefit you, then there's no way he could possibly hold you to the standard to which your're holding yourself.

    Go home.
    Exactly.

    Your father did this because he wanted to ensure the best future for his kids--can't fault him for that. However, decisions like these often end up like trying to fit round pegs into square holes.

    I lived it with my father as well. Don't sit there trying to be a martyr, go make the best life that you can for yourself....

    The old man WILL understand.
    "Booing on opening day is like telling grandma her house smells like old lady."--WOY

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    Member Highlifeman21's Avatar
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    Re: In search of some uplifting words.

    Follow your heart.

    Your heart is back in OH. You will always find struggles if your heart is in another place than where you are. You're in NC, your heart isn't.

    Obligation to your family is always a tough situation, but while you feel an obligation to your old man, I wonder if he feels the same obligation to you?

    Follow your heart.

  11. #10
    Moderator Tommyjohn25's Avatar
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    Re: In search of some uplifting words.

    Wow. See this is the reason I posted this here. So, so many kind words and good, sound advice from all of you fantastic individuals. I truly can't thank you all enough, it's a positively beautiful thing that so many here are willing to help out others whom they've never met. Outstanding.

    It would probably look too messy if I were to multi-quote here so I'll just post a general response to all of you. It is so nice that some, if not all of you that responded can relate to my situation. That is theraputic in itself. I guess I should clarify one thing about the whole thing with my Dad, I was gonna put this in last night but I figured it was long enough already. He would most definitely understand if I went up to him today (I can't because he's out of town) and told him I want to go home. I think that, deep down he already knows anyways, however, I don't think he knows how much my mental well-being has been effected. The problem is, we have to keep working the business in an effort to help pay the bills until the place sells, and myself and my brother are the only employees. If I leave, he has to take on my duties, and our line of work is not cut out for a 67 year old man with a weak (ish) heart and two bad shoulders. I work for next to nothing, just enough to pay my personal bills, to help out his checkbook and he's still losing his rear end. It would be next to impossible, if not impossible, for him to hire and keep someone that would do the job that I am doing for what he could afford to pay them. So I guess my main concern isn't whether or not he would be disappointed in me or not, I know for a fact that he wouldn't. I just am concerned with the work that i would leave him with, even though we don't get many jobs, all it would take for him would to go on one, and it could be his last...if you know what I mean. If that were to happen, I would never forgive myself. My brother isn't in the same boat as I am, his family took the plunge and moved here, as his wife works for Proctor and Gamble and she just simply transferred, so it doesn't really matter to him whether or not we sell today, or next year.

    My Dad is making his sacrifices too. He is still married to my Mom (40 years) and she is also in Ohio still as her Mother is 100 years old and needs some care. So she is kind of forced to stay there as well. My other brother is still there too, his wife doesn't have a very good job so he is the main breadwinner. With that in mind Dad told him to wait until we were making enough money here so he could provide for his family. So at this point, our entire (and very close) family is split apart. Half here in NC, and half in OH. I think this plays in to my state of mind as well, just not to the extent of being away from Denise.

    LtAbner, first of all thank you for your response, to answer your question. There are several reasons that we're failing here. First and foremost, we bought a bad territory. Of course it seemed promising at first because it was growing, but the growth has stopped, and our phone hardly ever rings. Second, we have had absolutely ZERO luck in hiring people. If we hired someone that was qualified, experienced, and well-presented, they would quit within a week when they realized that the work they had to do wasn't worth what they were getting paid. Sadly, in hindsight, we should've ponied up and paid them a little more, but Dad was trying to save as much as possible. It's too late for that now, since like I said before, he's dipping into his retirement check just to pay the mortgage now. If we hired someone that would work for cheap, they without failure would come back with a criminal background when we ran a check. I don't mean little things, I'm talking attempted murder, armed robbery, etc...not the kind of person you want working for you in a business that you are in peoples homes, often unsupervised by the homwowner. The third factor, is the economy. We get paid by the homeowners insurance company, you have a water damage or a fire in your home, you call your insurance company and file a claim, we do the restoration, insurance company pays us for our work. Now, people are beginning to file their claims, get an estimate for the repairs, turning it into the insurance company, getting the check, and doing the repairs themselves. Results or quality of the work be damned. Now, people are CERTAINLY within their rights to do that, but it does leave us hung out to dry. Finally, the last factor...and probably the most important one. We all have been through so much that our hearts just aren't in it anymore. I want to go home, Dad wants to go home, and my brother wants to get a job again in the field he's educated in (advertising). One can only get kicked in the teeth so many times before you just throw your hands up and say "screw it". It just seems like, all the stuff that has happened in the year and a half that Dad has owned this thing, that it's just not meant to be. The signs are everywhere, and I see them, I think Dad sees them too.

    To the rest of you. Dom, Steel, George Foster, Unassisted, Blimpie, Highlifeman, Kingspoint. Thank you again for your kind and helpful words, I think that this is what I needed to hear. My Dad gets back in town tonight. I think I may take a couple hours over the weekend and talk to him and at LEAST tell him how I've been feeling lately. I have been doing a very good job at hiding it since i didn't want to stress him out any more than he already is. If he knows how depressed I've become, he may tell me to get my butt in the car and go back to Ohio right away , he loves his family more than anything, and I know he wouldn't want me to suffer. I will definitely keep you all updated as to what transpires from here on out.

    Again. Thank you, thank you, thank you. All of you. It's people like you all that give mankind hope, and it shows that there is truly good, caring people around you if you look for it.

    Benzinger backing and calling! And the 1990 world championship series belongs to the Cincinnati Reds!

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    Member Sea Ray's Avatar
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    Re: In search of some uplifting words.

    Would moving back to Ohio increase your Dad's financial hardship? I don't see how you can do that if that's the case. Your Dad doesn't have a lot of years to make up lost money and you and your brothers could end up supporting him anyway.

    How practical is it to think the business will sell? A company that's losing money may not have much value.

    I'd suggest talking with your brother(s) and see where he stands and then take it to your Dad and see what can be worked out. Sounds like you're not in this alone. You can commiserate with your family on this one

  13. #12
    Joey Votto Fangirl HeatherC1212's Avatar
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    Re: In search of some uplifting words.

    I don't really have any advice for you but I just wanted to let you know that I'll be keeping you in my thoughts as you deal with everything in NC. Hopefully everything works out for both you and the rest of your family. It sounds like you're a very good son and I'm sure your dad appreciates everything you've done and continue to do for the company. Please keep us posted on how things are going and hopefully you all can come home soon.
    "I tried to play golf, but I found out I wasn't very good." -Joey Votto on his offseason hobby search

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    Moderator Tommyjohn25's Avatar
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    Re: In search of some uplifting words.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sea Ray View Post
    Would moving back to Ohio increase your Dad's financial hardship? I don't see how you can do that if that's the case. Your Dad doesn't have a lot of years to make up lost money and you and your brothers could end up supporting him anyway.

    How practical is it to think the business will sell? A company that's losing money may not have much value.

    I'd suggest talking with your brother(s) and see where he stands and then take it to your Dad and see what can be worked out. Sounds like you're not in this alone. You can commiserate with your family on this one
    I think we may have been posting at the same time. I kind of touched on the issues with me moving back in my last post. It is definitely something that would take some planning, and problem solving. As far as the value of our franchise, I think Dad would take darn near anything remotely close to reasonable at this point. He has alot of money saved in his retirement (he had a VERY successful job) so going "broke" isn't really a concern. It's just the thought that, at his age, you are supposed to be sitting on your retirement to make it last through the twighlight of you life. He's now spending it...fast.

    I think I may call my Mom tonight, tell her everything, and see what she says. She is ALWAYS a good source, and probably the strongest person I know in the world.

    Thanks for your response Sea Ray.
    Benzinger backing and calling! And the 1990 world championship series belongs to the Cincinnati Reds!

  15. #14
    Moderator Tommyjohn25's Avatar
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    Re: In search of some uplifting words.

    Quote Originally Posted by HeatherC1212 View Post
    I don't really have any advice for you but I just wanted to let you know that I'll be keeping you in my thoughts as you deal with everything in NC. Hopefully everything works out for both you and the rest of your family. It sounds like you're a very good son and I'm sure your dad appreciates everything you've done and continue to do for the company. Please keep us posted on how things are going and hopefully you all can come home soon.

    Thank you Heather. This thread has really cheered me up today.
    Benzinger backing and calling! And the 1990 world championship series belongs to the Cincinnati Reds!

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    Passion for the game Team Clark's Avatar
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    Re: In search of some uplifting words.

    Quote Originally Posted by SteelSD View Post
    Go home. Get back to your girl. If your father opened up this opportunity to benefit you, then there's no way he could possibly hold you to the standard to which your're holding yourself.

    Go home.
    Exactly. Your Dad is your Dad after all. Just think of what he's feeling. "geeez, I can't believe I got my kids into this...."

    You had a contingency plan set up for a reason. Execute it!
    It's absolutely pathetic that people can't have an opinion from actually watching games and supplementing that with stats. If you voice an opinion that doesn't fit into a black/white box you will get completely misrepresented and basically called a tobacco chewing traditionalist...
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