relationship question

[thatcoolguy_22]

I'm in the air force and recently returned home from Iraq. I have been dating the same girl for about 10 months (give or take). Anyways long story short I just found out that she is 11 weeks pregnant with my first child. Yay! not quite... Only 1 week after I found out she was pregnant I am told that she was cheating on my while I was deployed and made plans to leave me for this guy that since my return, has literally moved to alaska (he got out of the air force and moved back home about a 2 weeks before I got back from the desert). Now I am in bit of a fix. I am going to be stationed in Korea for 1 year beginning this Dec and, she is due in the beginning of March. She claims that the whole fiasco with the other guy was a mistake and yada yada... I still love her but the trust from my side is minimal at this point. Also I do not want to only be able to see my *son* on holidays and for the summers because I refused to try and forgive her.

What are your guy's opinions?

Thanks

[Red in Chicago]

you will never be able to trust her again, so it's best for you to just move on

[SunDeck]

you will never be able to trust her again, so it's best for you to just move on

I would agree except for the complicating factor of the kid. Assuming the child is yours, do you want to try to work things out with her in order to be in his or her life? And just wondering also, can a child be tested prenatally to determine paternity?

Anyway, it's pretty hard for any of us to tell you what to do, however I can recommend the old adage, "Trust, but verify." I guess if you decide not to start the relationship back up with her you can just make it clear that you are going to do whatever is necessary to make sure this child has a good relationship with their father. That could mean not resuming the relationship, if the two of you can't come to an understanding. Worse things have happened in the world; you'll be a good dad either way, I am sure.

[WVRed]

Only question I have would be is the child yours for sure?

If not, you may not have near as much to worry about.

[thatcoolguy_22]

Only question I have would be is the child yours for sure?

If not, you may not have near as much to worry about.

Yes

The doc said conception was may 26 and we were together on vacation from may 21 until 5 jun...

[Reds Freak]

I'm sure most people would say run as fast as you can but I think you owe it to your child and yourself, if you truly love this girl, to try to forgive and give her another chance. Often times when there is unfaithfulness in a relationship, there is an issue(s) in the relationship that has been ignored for a while that causes one partner to act out frustrations in the form of an affair. I think it's important to try to get to the bottom of that issue because beneath the pain and hurt it sounds like there still is love there. If I were you I would let your girl know that you still love her and you are there for the child but you need some time apart to figure out things for yourself and get over the pain of the affair. This will allow you to heal and allow her to miss you and think about life without you as a single mother. If your relationship is a viable one it will spring back together like a rubber band and you can then begin to work on the problems that were in your relationship and grow from them. It would take a lot of work, patience, and understanding but it can be done. You might consider getting professional help together as well as this is a very sticky situation. Just my .02.

Thanks for serving our country by the way...

[George Foster]

This is my 2 cents worth.

If you are sure the child is yours, you owe it to your child, who deserves a full time father, to give the relationship another chance. This is not just about "you" now.

If you don't marry her, it will be hard for you to get any parental rights other than the "once-in-a-while" visit, and you still will be paying child support.

If you love her and she is sorry, give her a chance and you kid a father....marry her. That commitment from you might be all she wanted in the first place.

Thank you for keeping my family safe. God's speed.

[Falls City Beer]

You can still be a part of the kid's life without her. I know it's not popular to say this, but in my experience, folks who cheat once cheat again. It's the old frog/scorpion fable.

Move on; save yourself the heartache--and protect the kid from a relationship filled with strife.

[TeamSelig]

Just remember that forcing a relationship so the kid can have a 'traditional' family isn't always the best thing to do, especially if said relationship is a bad one.

[George Foster]

You can still be a part of the kid's life without her. I know it's not popular to say this, but in my experience, folks who cheat once cheat again. It's the old frog/scorpion fable.

Move on; save yourself the heartache--and protect the kid from a relationship filled with strife.

I agree and don't agree. If they were already married, adultery is a "big deal."
And you are right, statistics show that adultery usually repeats itself. However there was no commitment in this relationship. He said they dated for less than a year I believe. If cheating on a boyfriend or a girlfriend is a scarlet letter, 99% of us is wearing one. Sex outside of marriage is a whole different kettle of worms IMO.

Having a child can make one more mature, and see the future differently. She might of just made a dumb decision, and was worried she was waiting for a guy that might not ever come home. There is only 1 person that can judge her honesty. I hope coolguy22 can make the right decision whatever it is.

[Highlifeman21]

I would definitely make sure the child is yours, first and foremost.

After that, I'd show her the curb. While you'll want to trust her, will you really be able to down the road? Doubt and lack of trust will destroy any potential relationship down the road, so best to protect yourself while you still can.

Tough situation, and I wish you the best.

[Johnny Footstool]

I agree with Reds Freak: you should seek professional counseling. We RedsZoners mean well, but our perspectives are limited. Talk to a pro. You owe it to yourself, to her, and to the baby.

[RFS62]

I agree with Reds Freak: you should seek professional counseling. We RedsZoners mean well, but our perspectives are limited. Talk to a pro. You owe it to yourself, to her, and to the baby.

I second this.

Talk to a pro, and be completely honest.

Good luck, and thanks for your service.

[Patrick Bateman]

Two Words:

Jerry Springer

[M2]

Yes

The doc said conception was may 26 and we were together on vacation from may 21 until 5 jun...

I'd still suggest a paternity test after the birth, just for piece of mind.

Counseling and not rushing into any family decisions are the other two things would be the other two things I'd advise. Frankly, I think you ought to wait on marriage until she can demonstrate she's ready and willing to commit to you (actions speak louder than words). Hanging in there while you do a year on the 38th parallel might be the ticket.