You don't need counseling, you need to kick her lying ... to the curb.
You don't need counseling, you need to kick her lying ... to the curb.
Also, you may want to consider a paternity test. It would cost at least $350, but it's probably worth it when you consider how much worrying it would save you later on.
I also second the opinion that you should seek professional help.
professional counseling would allow both of you the opportunity to come to terms with the realities of your situation. A good counselor won't "tell" you what to do, but will help you come to a well-thought out decision.
There are a lot of questions you can't possibly have honest answsers to at this point.
A counsellor can assist you in finding those answers. Maybe the chaplain at your base, of you're both comfortable.
So, the answser is ... don't rush in either direction. Take the time to figure out what is best for the three of you. And there are probably more options than you're thinking of right now.
All good advice, particularly the family counseling part. Refereed discussion will be much more productive. It's all a workable situation, just need to figure out what you *really* want.
I'd treat the baby aspect and the girlfriend aspect as 2 different things.
If you want to be a father to the baby, do the paternity test thing and see a lawyer about custody and caretaking (joint or otherwise). If its not documented in a legally binding agreement, you will be up to the fickle winds of fate, the baby will be used as a token of power, and basically get into a real mess. Whether or not you have a relationship with the mom (marriage or otherwise), once you sign up to be the baby's parent, it's a lifetime gig. Not for the faint of heart. Make sure you are sure.
Now, for the girlfriend, it sounds like she is not in any shape or form ready for a mature relationship. At least IMO. Plus, you are going to be 1/2 a world away. Counseling will help to determine if a committed relationship is what she (and you) really want.
Best of luck. And thank you for serving our country.
The paternity test is a really good idea as they say.
Get it ASAP though. If you are listed on the birth certificate as the father you are responsible for child support even if it turns out you aren't the father.
Other than that, its a personal thing, if you feel you can deal with then its up to you to handle it. Only you know how trusting and forgiving you are, or how trustworthy and honest she is.
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Date of conception is really guesswork on the doctor's part. It's a ballpark figure designed to create an estimate of when the baby should arrive roughly 40 weeks later.
Given the circumstances, you'd do well to get the hard science on this. It's completely unromantic, but it provides you with surety. I had a cousin go through this and getting the unequivocal results that his daughter was indeed his daughter took a load off his mind. It's actually something that can build trust and it sounds like you and this girl could stand a whole lot of trust building.
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Make that a thing.
I might agree that if the mother is 19 years old, then the cheating was a peccadillo, but if she's, say, 25 and is cheating 10 months into the relationship, I think I have a decent idea where that train is heading, IMO.
People change, but not much after a certain point in their lives.
I second M2's advice--definitely hold off on marriage. For as long as you feel comfortable.
As M2 pointed out, a doctor's estimated date of conception is just that: an estimate. If you don't protect your rights now, you may not have them later.
How do we know he's not Mel Torme?
"I prefer books and movies where the conflict isn't of the extreme cannibal apocalypse variety I guess." Redsfaithful
get the P-Test. Anything else is you being taken advantage of.
I would differ here, George. For me, trust is the issue and it doesn't matter if we have a piece of paper saying we are married- if you gave your word that we were committed and you broke that promise, the trust is going to be hard to get back. Not impossible, but it's always there.Sex outside of marriage is a whole different kettle of worms IMO.
For the child's sake, I wouldn't be with someone I didn't want to be with it, whether it be I wasn't in love with them anymore or they cheated on me.
Relationships built on false premises are not healthy for a child either.
As a 40 year old man, it wouldn't give me any solace to know that my parents had trust issues when they got together, were miserable because one partner cheated on the other as they did early in the relationship, yet stayed together because of me. Staying in a relationship you aren't happy in is an undeniably awful experience and to offer advice to someone to stay there because of a kid can be misguided, IMHO. It depends on the circumstances, I guess.
In this situation, if you still love her, it's probably worth it to give her a second chance. Love is the basis, and will always be, because without it, the relationship is doomed. A child doesn't fix it or make it any more bearable. I wouldn't go forward with a marriage if you don't love her or if you think she will cheat on you again, child or no child.
One thing about second chances, though, is that sometimes they give people new inspiration in life. They sometimes work harder to compensate for past mistakes. You could be the beneficiary of that goodwill and while you should never be thankful an affair happened, good can come from the most awful of places sometimes.
You have some soul searching here to do, because it sounds as though your situation requires trust. If you have to be away from your spouse due to the military, are her whereabouts going to be constantly on your mind because of the past?
A friend of mine's marriage ended because he was stationed in Iraq and couldn't handle the trust issue, even though his wife was faithful. I can't imagine trying to do that with someone who has cheated in the past.
Best of luck to you, and keep us up to date.
Last edited by Dom Heffner; 07-30-2008 at 11:20 AM.
First off, thanks for serving! I would recommend a paternity test if you even THOUGHT she was cheating. She wants you back now, after the other guy went home. What will she do when you report to duty again? I hope she's not using you as a security blanket right now.
My neighbor's wife had twins. He found out when they were 5 years old that they weren't his. He was crushed. His wife got caught with the kids' real dad, and she fessed up. Otherwise he wouldn't have known. IMO, I think he would've been happier not knowing.
Another married friend found out his son wasn't his after 1 year. In other words, people cheat whether they're married or not.
If you're on the birth cert. you will be liable for support and birthing expenses, and that's not cheap.
I'm not a person to give relationship advice, but I'd put getting married on the back-burner till you have all the answers and ask yourself if you're truly in love. Staying together for a childs sake only ends up hurting the kid in the long run.
I'd hate to see you overseas worrying about someone cheating on you.
Good Luck and be Safe!
We got into an argument the other day and I gave up on the entire thing. She never stopped cheating on me after we decided to make it work out. Without too much name calling you all have a very clear picture of the way I feel about her at this point. However we have a paternity test scheduled for 11 Aug so I will have to wait until then to see what the next step is going to be.
Thanks for all of your replies fellas. It really was appreciated.
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