When does it all get easier?

[Tom Servo]

Hey everybody, I was kinda hoping for some words/advice with my recent troubles. I admit that on the surface it is merely high school dramatics, but try and put yourself in the shoes of a shy 18 year old boy if you can. I know that many here on Redszone are older than I am and I find comfort in the words of people who have been through the stupid hurdles that life throws at them.

When I was still living in New Jersey in my junior year of high school, this girl named Alyssa moved here. She was a junior too and while I thought she was a pretty girl, I remember not thinking much of it when it happened. But she was in a class of mine and hearing her speak I could tell she was different than all of the other girls (and guys for that matter) in my school, in a good way. She was the nicest person in the world and the two of us had everything in common. I slowly developed a crush on her only to find out she had a boyfriend who was in college and thus better than me. I was pretty disapointed but decided I still wanted to be friends with her, and maybe something could happen but I wasn't holding my breath. Around this time as well my mom caught wind of my sadness and wanted me to see a psychtrist to try and help with my shyness. I was hesitant but I complied. Alyssa and I quickly became really good friends.

So after a while into senior year Alyssa and her boyfriend split up (she told me about it as well as when other guys asked her out) and things looked pretty good for me. We were going and did go to prom together and we talked everyday. Only I decided I needed to tell her how I felt as I didn't want to move away if i could be with her, and so my best friend Jeff offered to do it. She came back to me and told me she wasnt sure of anything between us and that she didn't want to ruin our friendship like she ruined what she had with her ex. Fine, whatever. I just still wanted us to be close. Only we weren't. And I found out about a month ago why that was. She was having a secret relationship with Jeff, who already has a girlfriend in Florida he's been with since June 2007. Turns out she told him that she liked him when he told her how I felt, and he immediately started going over her house to makeout and whatever. All of those times I'd ask if we could hang out and he would say "I have to talk to my girlfriend", he was really seeing Alyssa.

I would tell Jeff everyday how much I cared for her and how she meant everything to me. I think of how we would hang out in a group and I would notice Jeff and Alyssa becoming really good friends, but I figured at most that maybe she had a crush on him. I told Jeff it bothered me how he flirted with her but I never suspected anything. I trusted him too much. I have never had any drama in my life nor have I even had a girlfriend. I thought Alyssa was a god-send as we talked all the time and I loved hanging out with her. And to find out that all along it was my best friend that she liked "because he remembered her of her boyfriend" just kills me. And that my best friend would do something he knows I could never forgive him for, and cheat on his girlfriend. It should be noted that he not only knew I was going to psychiatry, but he even drove me there on occasion and we'd talk about it. They were the two people I trusted more than anybody in the world, and to say that I'm devestated is an understatement. This is supposed to happen in movies, not to me.

And so here I am now at the University of North Carolina Charlotte, away from all the drama but at the same time away from everyone I've ever known. I'm going to the school counselor which is going good for me. But so far the stereotypes of sex, drugs, and booze seem to be right on the money and I don't really want any part of them. I've made some friends but far from many, and I can't get the memories of my best friend and girl that I cared for out of my head. I still talk to Alyssa because she apologized profusely but I doubt I should be talking to her and perhaps filling my head with more false hope. But talking to her does make me happy, and I'd be unhappy either way.

That was a massive amount of text and I commend anyone who read it. Any replies are greatly appreciated.

[bucksfan2]

Been there done that. As a 26 year old I am a little removed from your age group but not much. Here is what I was thinking while reading.

First of all if you have feelings for someone, you should tell that person yourself. It may seem more difficult or it may be much easier to send a friend .to do so, but it is the right way to do things.

Second of all your 18. Crushes come and go. Everyone has been in a situation similar to where you have been. It may not be as "dramatic" as yours is but we all have been there. If you value the both of your friends friendship then it is worth continuing to talk with them. Who knows what will happen in the future. Maybe you will get together with the Alyssa, maybe not. If you enjoy talking to her but that is it you may find someone else better than Alyssa (Even though you think that isn't possible).

Finally you are in college enjoy yourself. It really is a completely different experience. It isn't all drugs, sex, booze in college. While I did enough boozing in college I still had time to pursue other avenues. Try going to the gym, try playing a rec sport, hang out with your doormates (I am assuming that you live in the dorms), join a club, etc. Find a hobby while up at school, something that you enjoy to take your life away from all the "drama".

As an old and wise 26 year old : enjoy yourself in college.

[redsmetz]

I imagine you know from reading here on RZ that folks have gone through many different situation, some very serious. The depth of your feelings are perfectly understandable. If it helps, you're not alone with what's happened to you and how you're feeling.

When I was 24, a woman I had dated for almost two years broke up with me. We had even talked about marriage and she wasn't ready for it. We attended church together and the night she broke up with me, a couple announced their engagement to us all (with the wife to be being another old girlfriend). Then, boom, I walk her home and the bricks fall with her breaking up with. I ran into a friend on my way home and I cried like a baby. That took a long time to get over.

The irony is that when my wife moved here to live with her sister's family after grad school, she got to be good friends with my ex. In fact, when I called her to ask her out the first time, she was with the ex girlfriend. She ex said "go out with him, he's a nice guy". After her sister moved, she shared a house with the ex. Very complicated.

But the point is, it does get better. Life goes on and the pain subsides. Of course, this is all very easy for me to say from my keyboard here, because what you're feeling is pretty painful. Each day at a time, TS. I know that might sound trite, but folks who've goen through very difficult things can attest to that.

Hang in there.

[Heath]

Fast Forward 15 years, add a wife, a job, a mortgage, 2.5 kids, and a mini-van.

Have a nice day. But don't stay out too late with "the boys".

[15fan]

What's in the past is in the past. No one can change it, so don't beat yourself up over it.

College is a tremendous time. Meet new people, try new things, go new places. Learn to look at the world around you in a different light. Learn what makes you tick.

Each moment that you spend pining away over what was/wasn't, is a moment that you are missing out on what is/could be.

I'm also a big believer that everything happens for a reason. At some point down the road, your experience is going to impact the way you make a decision, the advice you give to a friend, etc. Chalk it up as a learning moment, and move on.

Carpe Diem, my friend.

[Cyclone792]

Where's that old thread from a year or two ago that discussed the premise that a guy absolutely cannot just be "friends" with a girl?

Tom, everyone's different so I'm not going to tell you what you should do ... but I can tell you what I would do if I were in your situation. And the first part of that is I'd pretty much move on from both Jeff and Alyssa. They're in the past; let them stay in the past. From what you've said, they both pretty much deceived you and lied to you, and it almost seems as if each of them used you. They had your trust and they blew it, and if it were me it'd be difficult to gain back the trust of somebody like that again. The thing to take from the experience is to learn from it so you can prevent it from happening to you again.

Secondly, you're in college, man. I'd get out there and meet some new people. Identify with people who have common interests and just be yourself. You'll find that you'll run into some pretty cool people along the way, and you'll also run into a fair number of idiots. The heck with the idiots, hang out with the people you get along with. Some you may become good friends with, others mere acquaintances.

The biggest obstacle you'll have to jump over in this is being able to trust new people you meet to be your friends and then finding some good, new friends down at school. But if you don't do that, then you're probably going to be pretty miserable.

[Strikes Out Looking]

Tom, hang in there and put some perspective on it. I'm sure this is eating at you--I was there many times in my younger days and still have days filled with angst about relationships (and I've been happily married for 16 years).

Enjoy being young and having the whole wide world in front of you. She's probably not the one, but guess what, there are a zillion fish in the sea.

Good luck and as the late great Warren Zevon said "enjoy every sandwich."

And good lord, stay away from Jeff.

[Chip R]

http://www.redszone.com/forums/showthread.php?t=17842

[Michael Young]

forget about her. don't talk to her on the phone. that is just going to make moving on and fully embracing college more difficult.

force yourself to get out there and go to events on campus and talk to people. youll find that plenty of ppl on campus are just as nervous about meeting new ppl as you are. take the first step of introducing yourself to ppl and you wont be disappointed

[Highlifeman21]

Enjoy college, embrace the present and the future, while learning from the past.

If that means that you're a little guarded and reluctant to trust people due to Jeff, then so be it, but little by little you'll learn to trust people close to you once again.

Bottomline, don't let 2 people from your past ruin what should be a promising future.

[SeeinRed]

The most interesting thing I observed when I first started college was that realization that high school really meant very little as far as the rest of your life is concerned. Its a weird thing. I never put much stock in High School, so it was easy for me. I took the work seriously, but the "drama" of high school was something I laughed at. I may be the only one there. When you get into college you see all the same types of people, the popular ones who think they are too cool for everyone else, the teachers pets, the geeks and so on. The difference is that the group you belong in doesn't matter anymore. The popular kids suddenly don't matter as much as they thought they did and the "geeks" have large groups to fit into. It suddenly becomes cool to be poor. Its a chance to start over, and a lot of people just don't handle that very well. That doesn't pertain to you Tom, but it is just an observation of college life.

Now, the thing that was hard for me was losing touch with friends. I have no problems making friends because I'm very laid back and easy to get along with. People don't gravitate towards me, but the people who come to know me end up keeping in touch. As usual, after graduation, all my friends went seperate ways. We tried keeping in touch, but it got less and less until some of they just seemingly dissapear. Losing touch with a good friend is tough. My friends were around since kindergarten for me. I went to a very small school and we all were friends from start to finish. I still think about where they might be from time to time, but don't regret losing touch as that is just how our lives took us.

My advice, forget high school. Its over, you've got bigger and better things ahead. Things won't come easy. You will have to work your tail off and you will eventually start to doubt what you are doing. It happens to everyone. Stay true to yourself and your values. You will make mistakes. Learn from them and don't look back. Drugs, sex, alcohol aren't just a part of college, they will be around you for the rest of your life. There is no reason that a person can't drink responsibly, but that doesn't mean you have to if you don't want to. I didn't drink at all until I was 21. It's not a decision I regret at all. People found me interesting, and I was look at with admiration for having a strong will more often than I was ridiculed. Don't fool yourself though, people will make fun of you for it if thats what you choose. Take it, laugh, get your shots in when applicable. Don't make it a big deal that you don't drink, don't tell others they are wrong for their choices, and don't refuse to hang out around those who partake in a little "partying." They aren't bad people, and some of them will be very good friends down the road. By no means am I saying that you need to start seeking the people who do those things, but don't judge them.

Most important of all, don't lose sight of your ultimate goal of success. You need to focus on the fact that college will make your life a lot easier in the long run. You don't have to decide on your career even now. The pressure of choosing what you do weighs heavily on a lot of students. It did me. I even dropped out for a little while and worked a few jobs to try to find what I want to do. I've re-enrolled and still haven't decided. Let me tell you though, walking out with a degree in a field you don't go into is way better than walking out with nothing.

Trust me, when you look back on what bugs you now, you won't even remember why you were so worried about it.

[RichRed]

TS, I don't have any advice that's better than what the others have said, except to say that the pain you feel is no less valid just because you're young.

Good luck with everything and I hope you find a way to absorb all that college life has to offer; it truly is a wonderful time if you open yourself up to it.

[paintmered]

The first thing I learned when I got to college was that everything I had done or not done up to that point didn't matter.

Put yourself out there and you'll meet the best and most lasting friends of your life these next few years.

[Spring~Fields]

Monitor and watch your perceptions that lead to your thoughts, that lead to your uncomfortable feelings with people or situations. Your thoughts are what you can control, and it is your thoughts that can cause you the various painful or uncomfortable feelings.

If you have some form of performance anxiety in social interactions with people, keep an eye on your wants and expectations, try not to have wants and expectations of people to reduce what I call self inflicted anxiety, without wants and expectations it is easier to meet and to interact with people in a more relaxed and calm confident manner. Over time you build a rapport with them, hopefully with trust building and integrity.

Don’t forget something very simple, don’t forget to smile and to laugh, goes a long way with us humans, even if you have to learn to laugh with other’s at yourself from time to time.

I slowly developed a crush on her only to find out she had a boyfriend who was in college and thus better than me.

Stop buying into those types of myths.

College should end up a good experience for you that will empower you with knowledge and understanding, might even help you get rid of such myths that X or Y is better than you.

[Spring~Fields]

The first thing I learned when I got to college was that everything I had done or not done up to that point didn't matter.

Put yourself out there and you'll meet the best and most lasting friends of your life these next few years.

Excellent advice and it will produce good results for him.