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Thread: Weekend Funnies

  1. #1
    Member wally post's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2000
    Location
    Nashville
    Posts
    1,122

    Weekend Funnies

    this comes from my pal, Warren who rules over the drums on Broadway:

    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was
    flipping channels.

    She asked, "What's on TV?"

    I said, "Dust."

    And then the fight started.

    ============ ========= ========= ========= =========
    =========

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our
    upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from
    0
    to 150 in about 3 seconds."

    I bought her a scale.

    And then the fight started.

    ============ ========= ========= ========= =========
    =========

    When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I
    take her someplace expensive...

    So I took her to a gas station...

    And then the fight started.

    ============ ========= ========= ========= =========
    =========

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to
    apply for Social Security.
    The woman behind the counter asked me for my
    driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized
    I had left my
    wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
    have to go home and come back later.

    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt
    revealing my curly silver hair.

    She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
    enough for me', and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
    the Social Security office.

    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have
    gotten disability, too.'

    And then the fight started
    .

    ============ ========= ========= ========= =========
    =========

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
    reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as
    she sat
    alone at a nearby table.
    My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
    'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took
    to drinking
    right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
    hasn't been sober since.'

    'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
    celebrating that long?'

    And then the fight started.

    ============ ========= ========= ========= =========
    ========= =

    I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were
    alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
    You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
    little things just seem funny?
    Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a
    DWARF!!!
    He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and
    shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
    So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then
    which one are you?'

    And then the fight started.

    ------------------------------------------------------

    ============ ========= ========= ========= =========
    =========
    Still fighting



    My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while
    we were in bed.
    I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
    "No," she answered.
    I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
    And then the fight started....

    ****

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made
    my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I
    hooked
    up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
    torrential down pour.
    The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the
    garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be
    bad
    all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped
    back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
    anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
    My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid
    husband
    is out fishing in that?'
    And that's how the fight started ...

    ****


    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some
    reason, took my order first.
    'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare,
    please.'
    He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad
    cow?'
    'Nah, she can order for herself.'
    And then the fight started ...

    ****

    A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom
    mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
    'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay
    me a
    compliment.'
    The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near
    perfect.'
    And then the fight started ...
    Last edited by wally post; 02-28-2009 at 11:53 AM.

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  3. #2
    Go Reds Go! UKFlounder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Northern KY
    Posts
    1,859

    Re: Weekend Funnies

    Wow - I'm going to have to copy those and share them.

    Very funny

  4. #3
    Boom Goes the Dynamite Screwball's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    West Chester
    Posts
    2,413

    Re: Weekend Funnies

    Quote Originally Posted by wally post
    I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were
    alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
    You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
    little things just seem funny?
    Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a
    DWARF!!!
    He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and
    shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
    So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then
    which one are you?'
    I stole the (heck) out of this joke by telling it to all my friends. Without exception, the response is roaring laughter. That may be one of the funniest jokes I've ever read or heard. You win again, wally.


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