HAHAHAHA. Quite possibly the funniest quote of the year. You must seriously have a severe hatred for Cabrera. Bottom 3-5%??? Janish would probably not even be in the bottom 3-5%.
Cabrera leaves something to be desired when it comes to OPS, but he is a good hitter. OPS'ing does not define a hitter, no matter what the statisticians will tell you. Even if it would, he wouldn't fall in the bottom 3-5% of OPS.
Find me a bottom 3% hitter that will give you
.285 average, 36 doubles, 77 RBI
.281 average, 33 doubles, 57 RBI
.301 average, 35 doubles, 86 RBI
.282 average, 45 doubles, 72 RBI
Those are Cabrera's last 4 years.
Have you looked at the stats for Christian Guzman, Yunieski Betancourt, Edgar Renteria, J.J. Hardy, Cezar Izturis, Joe Crede, Geoff Blum, Ian Stewart, Josh Fields just to name a few that have over 400 PA's last year.
I'd say Cabrera is in the easily in the top 50% of the league in terms of hitting.