Question about a family situation

[RedEye]

I'm in a bit of a fix regarding whether or not to invite my father in-law to my son's baptism next weekend. Long story short -- he's been nothing but trouble for my wife and the rest of his immediate family for years now. We're talking infidelity, psychological abuse and lots of manipulation of his wife and children for years and years. That said, I'm aware of the symbolic and emotional importance of having him there nonetheless. My son only has two grandpas, and he's one of them.

Curious what RedsZone's community thinks of my options. Please feel free to let me know what you think. It's obviously a complicated situation.

[Dom Heffner]

If you are feeling that uneasy, there's a reason.

My advice to everyone is if you want to be part of a family, act like your part of the family: good behavior and all that comes with it.

[RedEye]

If you are feeling that uneasy, there's a reason.

My advice to everyone is if you want to be part of a family, act like your part of the family: good behavior and all that comes with it.

Yeah, that's my sense, too. Thing is, many family members are at peace now with him and just kind of put up with his shenanigans -- "he's a crazy old man". I feel a bit odd about being the one to put my foot down and say no, but... in some ways I'm the only one who is able to cut through the dysfunction of the situation and just put an end to it.

[Dom Heffner]

Yeah, that's my sense, too. Thing is, many family members are at peace now with him and just kind of put up with his shenanigans -- "he's a crazy old man". I feel a bit odd about being the one to put my foot down and say no, but... in some ways I'm the only one who is able to cut through the dysfunction of the situation and just put an end to it.

My personal experience with this stuff- and I've been through a ton of it- it's best to avoid.

I would feel personally embarrased if my family members did not feel comfortable inviting me to something like this.

I'll bet he doesn't, which tells you to double down.

[RedEye]

My personal experience with this stuff- and I've been through a ton of it- it's best to avoid.

I would feel personally embarrased if my family members did not feel comfortable inviting me to something like this.

I'll bet he doesn't, which tells you to double down.

Yeah, that's what I'm thinking, too. The hard part is that I'm just an in-law (though the kid we're baptizing is my son, after all).

[Roy Tucker]

I've certainly been through my share of family dysfunction.

I've always tried to take the high road. In some situations, it's really hard. But at the end of the day, you feel better for trying to do the right thing and keep whatever semblance of a family together. I've gotten good at learning how to avoid conflict at family functions.

[RedEye]

I've certainly been through my share of family dysfunction.

I've always tried to take the high road. In some situations, it's really hard. But at the end of the day, you feel better for trying to do the right thing and keep whatever semblance of a family together. I've gotten good at learning how to avoid conflict at family functions.

Yes. This is the other viewpoint that has been dueling in my head...

[Roy Tucker]

Yes. This is the other viewpoint that has been dueling in my head...

One branch of my wife's family is Polish. Man, talk about feuds. We're talking they'll go for 30-40 years of not talking because of one drunken night and something stupid gets said. Mario Puzo would be proud.

Problem is, you don't get to choose your relatives. I feel your pain.

[kaldaniels]

Tough situation, I feel for you here. One thing to consider is how does your wife lean on this issue. I'd probably follow her lead (if she has an opinion one way) and make the best of it from there.

[RedEye]

One branch of my wife's family is Polish. Man, talk about feuds. We're talking they'll go for 30-40 years of not talking because of one drunken night and something stupid gets said. Mario Puzo would be proud.

Problem is, you don't get to choose your relatives. I feel your pain.

Indeed. Thanks for the commiseration. Thing is, this would be easier if it were just something stupid said once or something like that. This is years of mistreatment that has affected every single other member of the family. We've been together for about 15 years now, and for the first 10 or so, I just sort of stood by and let stuff happen -- figured it wasn't my place to intervene, even if it made me angry. Over the last 5 or so, since we've have kids, I've started feeling differently. It's one thing when it involves adults who understand what is going on, but I am extremely protective of my two sons...

[RedEye]

Tough situation, I feel for you here. One thing to consider is how does your wife lean on this issue. I'd probably follow her lead (if she has an opinion one way) and make the best of it from there.

Yes, that's a big factor. I've tried to get her to say what she thinks, but since she knows I am upset, she's decided to side with me. I hate the fact that this has become sort of like a male turf war, but there it is. And that's part of why I feel like I need to "take the high road" and invite him despite my best judgment. Because in the end, he's also her dad, and that's important, no matter what he's done. Right? Or maybe not?

[Dom Heffner]

This happens once, why spend it in fear of being miserable.

People really shouldn't be forced into submission and "high roads" because of an ass.

I sort of shoot from the hip on this stuff, but you get one life, and here you are stressed out over someone 's lousy behavior.

[Roy Tucker]

I'm a middle child so I'm always trying to please. I have a hard time being a hard-ass. Just isn't me.

[RedEye]

Ha! Dom and Roy, you are like the two voices in my head... both extremely reasonable options that I can't decide between.

[Razor Shines]

Yes, that's a big factor. I've tried to get her to say what she thinks, but since she knows I am upset, she's decided to side with me. I hate the fact that this has become sort of like a male turf war, but there it is. And that's part of why I feel like I need to "take the high road" and invite him despite my best judgment. Because in the end, he's also her dad, and that's important, no matter what he's done. Right? Or maybe not?

So you don't know for sure what your wife's opinion is? I guarantee she has one and she's probably right. I've dealt with situations like this many times and specifically with in laws. My wife has generally been on the side of leaving rude members of her family out of family get together's that we have hosted. I have several times talked her out of that view and invited them anyway. She's always been right. If it were me, I would find out what your wife's true feelings are and go with that.