10 years ago, I had an affair. It was stupid. I had no idea at the time why i was doing it. It happened only a couple of times, but once is enough. I hid it poorly like i wanted to be caught. My wife discovered it 9 years ago right around valentines day. great timing huh.
Normally the person caught does everything he or she can to win their spouse back. I did the opposite. I became more and more withdrawn. I stopped talking to everyone, abandoned my friends, spent all my time on the internet doing both innocent and not so innocent things there. Every couple of years I'd do another thing to get "caught". No more affairs, but just wrong behavior. Not because it was something I wanted to do, but because if I got caught she would be angry, and I felt like I didn't deserve anything but her anger.
Over the last 4 months I have almost completely withdrawn. I have cut off all contact from with my family back east as I can no longer stomach the thought of talking to the people that helped create me. But the decision to do so has taken such a toll on me that I have wrapped myself in a shell no one could get through. My wife, desperately lonely has formed a relationship with someone else. She has moved out, met with an attorney and plans to divorce me.
And I can't really blame her.
I started therapy last week. I've given it a token try in the past, but I didn't like it or the idea of it. Now I know that without it, I may not live the year. This guy at least seems cool.
I once posted on here how I love my wife. A long flowing post that seems hypocritical on the surface now, but is actually how i felt. I could never show her that though, and the loneliness i foisted upon her was too much for her to take.
She's been gone a couple of weeks now, and I have good days and bad. Good when i stay active, bad, mostly at work when i have more time to think and dwell. And her working down the hall from me doesn't help. I miss her, but it took all my screwing up, her leaving for me to realize what i had. I had started blogging a couple of years ago, but wasn't honest in it. I placed blame on her and not where it needed to be. I couldn't accept the love she offered because honestly i didn't know what it is. I still may not know. In fact I'm sure I don't, but I'd like to.
I keep thinking there is something I can do, or say to get her back. There isn't. I'm terrified of being alone. Stems from being abandoned as a child i think. I used that against her so many times, guilting her into staying instead of giving her a reason to stay. Guilt and manipulation instead of love. It is no wonder she couldn't take it anymore.
To any who read this. If you find yourself not talking to your significant other, take time to do so. Do it tonight. Turn of the TV and just talk. don't talk about yourself, talk about him/her. Don't show interest, be interested. Be close and feel close. And find a way to be honest with each other and with others around you. It pays off in the long run I think.