Turn Off Ads?
Page 1 of 14 1234511 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 15 of 208

Thread: How i screwed everything up.

  1. #1
    Vavasor TRF's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2000
    Location
    Amarillo, TX
    Posts
    13,621

    How i screwed everything up.

    I cheated.

    10 years ago, I had an affair. It was stupid. I had no idea at the time why i was doing it. It happened only a couple of times, but once is enough. I hid it poorly like i wanted to be caught. My wife discovered it 9 years ago right around valentines day. great timing huh.

    Normally the person caught does everything he or she can to win their spouse back. I did the opposite. I became more and more withdrawn. I stopped talking to everyone, abandoned my friends, spent all my time on the internet doing both innocent and not so innocent things there. Every couple of years I'd do another thing to get "caught". No more affairs, but just wrong behavior. Not because it was something I wanted to do, but because if I got caught she would be angry, and I felt like I didn't deserve anything but her anger.

    Over the last 4 months I have almost completely withdrawn. I have cut off all contact from with my family back east as I can no longer stomach the thought of talking to the people that helped create me. But the decision to do so has taken such a toll on me that I have wrapped myself in a shell no one could get through. My wife, desperately lonely has formed a relationship with someone else. She has moved out, met with an attorney and plans to divorce me.

    And I can't really blame her.

    I started therapy last week. I've given it a token try in the past, but I didn't like it or the idea of it. Now I know that without it, I may not live the year. This guy at least seems cool.

    I once posted on here how I love my wife. A long flowing post that seems hypocritical on the surface now, but is actually how i felt. I could never show her that though, and the loneliness i foisted upon her was too much for her to take.

    She's been gone a couple of weeks now, and I have good days and bad. Good when i stay active, bad, mostly at work when i have more time to think and dwell. And her working down the hall from me doesn't help. I miss her, but it took all my screwing up, her leaving for me to realize what i had. I had started blogging a couple of years ago, but wasn't honest in it. I placed blame on her and not where it needed to be. I couldn't accept the love she offered because honestly i didn't know what it is. I still may not know. In fact I'm sure I don't, but I'd like to.

    I keep thinking there is something I can do, or say to get her back. There isn't. I'm terrified of being alone. Stems from being abandoned as a child i think. I used that against her so many times, guilting her into staying instead of giving her a reason to stay. Guilt and manipulation instead of love. It is no wonder she couldn't take it anymore.

    To any who read this. If you find yourself not talking to your significant other, take time to do so. Do it tonight. Turn of the TV and just talk. don't talk about yourself, talk about him/her. Don't show interest, be interested. Be close and feel close. And find a way to be honest with each other and with others around you. It pays off in the long run I think.
    Suck it up cupcake.

  2. Turn Off Ads?
  3. #2
    Mr.Redlegs is my homeboy Eric_the_Red's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    Cincinnati
    Posts
    2,171

    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    I don’t know you personally, but felt I had to respond to this. Your story absolutely breaks my heart, but I am here to tell you…hang in there. Things can change for the better. I am a living testament to that fact.

    My first piece of unsolicited advice would be to start talking to God. I don’t know your personal faith, but, again, I was there. My marriage was on the edge of the cliff overlooking divorce. It is only through my submission to Christ and faith in God that healed my marriage and turned it into a blessing. So, talk to God. Read scripture. Confess and repent of the past behavior that you regret. It is amazing how God can restore your soul. No matter what happens from this point on, you will always have the Lord on your side if you invite him in.

    You are doing the right thing by getting into therapy. Be open to the process. Be honest. Make sure your therapist is helping you. I would consider inviting your wife into some of your therapy sessions as well.

    I would encourage you to do whatever possible to fix your marriage. Do not give up. With God’s grace and your devotion to a very challenging process, it is possible to save your relationship with your wife. Be as transparent as possible with her. Be honest, be open and be sorry. It is a truly humbling experience, and while I obviously cannot guarantee reconciliation, I can tell you from personal experience that it does happen, by God’s grace.

    Just a few years ago it looked like my marriage was over. We were separated, I was living somewhere else, and we were talking to lawyers. Now, our marriage is stronger than it ever was, we communicate more and we have been blessed with a child. If you want to talk more, feel free to PM me. I would be happy to share more about our experience and what worked for us, if you want.

    Hang in there. I’ll be praying for you.
    2013 Record at games attended: 0-1

  4. #3
    Waitin til next year bucksfan2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    Cincinnati
    Posts
    10,230

    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    Hang in there TRF. It seems as if you have taken the first and maybe the most important step in getting your live back. I wish you all the best and hope that you find happiness again.

  5. #4
    Vavasor TRF's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2000
    Location
    Amarillo, TX
    Posts
    13,621

    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    Religion isn't for me. It isn't a lack of faith in God. It's just a bad mix for me. I don't belittle or disrespect anyones beliefs, it's just I don't feel religious beliefs in my heart. My wife does, but a fear that I would put her down has kept her from her faith. Just another straw I suppose.

    Though I started therapy only just last week, I have been taking stock of how i got here for quite some time. One thing I know for certain, I cannot change FOR her or my kids. I have to change for ME and hope they receive the benefit. It may not work that way though. I could finally come to accept myself and realize I'm just not a good person. But I think that I can feel trust and interest and love from my family, even if that family is no longer whole.

    But if I stay like this, as I am now, I serve no purpose. And I feel like I need to serve a purpose.
    Suck it up cupcake.

  6. #5
    Danger is my business! oneupper's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    Back in Florida
    Posts
    8,157

    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    TRF. Dude. I've followed your blog. This isn't news. She's been in the process of leaving for some time. She was in the house, but not with you. You're rationalizing. You screwed up. She screwed up. It didn't work.

    Now. Move on. Get it off your chest and get on with your life. If you feel you need companionship, go find it. Match, eHarmony or Farmersonly if you're into horses. Whatever. Go out on some dates and see that there are other people out there.

    Depression sucks. Don't let it suck you in.
    "A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it."

    http://dalmady.blogspot.com

  7. #6
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2000
    Location
    The Bush Leagues
    Posts
    9,240

    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    Learn the difference between contemplation and rumination. I reflexively turn to the latter and call it the former. Take an hour a week to think about the past all you want. The rest of the week, arrest the thoughts as the come up, and plough into something more productive, or at least distracting. It's kind of like quitting smoking, you fight through the urges, over and over. In time the urges are further apart.

    Another thing, and this isn't easy to do in this economy, but you might reconsider your job. You're close to your ex and it sounds like you might have a little bit too much time on your hands at work (I say as I type this at work).
    The widow is gathering nettles for her children's dinner; a perfumed seigneur, delicately lounging in the Oeil de Boeuf, hath an alchemy whereby he will extract the third nettle and call it rent. ~ Carlyle

  8. #7
    Member medford's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Posts
    2,084

    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    Can't say I have any profound advise, but certainly good luck to you. Sounds like you've been in a pretty dark place for a long while. I'm not the most religious person out there, but despite your claims that religion and you don't get along, perhaps you're just being closed minded? Or perhaps you haven't been to the right church? It may well be worth a try "shopping" around, different churches, different religions, find something that appeals to your sensibalities, or perhaps some sort of of charity project that you can jump into.

    I grew up catholic, remain catholic. I was once talking to my sister about it, this was before I meet my wife and got back into regularly attending mass. Some of the best advice she gave me on mass, was to look at as an hour each week, where you get the chance to reflect on your life with no outside distractions. Even if you find yourself wondering away from the readings and homilies, you get the time to quitely think to yourself w/ no distractions from phone calls, television, work, etc..

    It doesn't even have to be church, it could be as easy as find a nice hiking trail to just get away each saturday morning, out where no one can bug you, or a nice road to run an hour + a couple of times a week. Finding something that can give you self reflection, or perhaps a greater sense of purpose could put you back on the right track, rather than spinning your wheels.

    Good luck TRF

  9. #8
    Vavasor TRF's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2000
    Location
    Amarillo, TX
    Posts
    13,621

    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    25 feet. we are separate by a hall and 2 doors. A new job is not in the offing. No way can i make what i do now in this economy, somewhere else.

    She has been leaving me for a while, but gave me every opportunity to make her want to stay. My blog was half the story. I was too ashamed to admit the truth.

    I do try not to dwell on it, and the more active I am, the less i dwell. It is the downtime that kills me. But I can only play so much softball, and at my age, 3 days a week is enough.

    My plan for now is to reconnect with my friends that i abandoned, and journal my days. I hope to see a progression in my outlook and hopefully my life. It won't be easy but it has to be better than how I am now.
    Suck it up cupcake.

  10. #9
    Mr.Redlegs is my homeboy Eric_the_Red's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    Cincinnati
    Posts
    2,171

    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    If I may ask, do you still want to be married to her? I mean, if you could wave a magic wand and have the past healed and your marriage restored, would you do it?
    2013 Record at games attended: 0-1

  11. #10
    First Time Caller SunDeck's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2000
    Posts
    5,396

    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    This sounds trivial, but I'll say it- time can be your friend. I've been through some personal tragedies in my lifetime- family suicide and other sudden deaths and I can tell you there were times when I honestly thought there would be no end to the pain. But I learned that slogging through the down parts in life one step at a time, keeping the head down and focusing on the most important tasks at hand leads to the right place.

    Now, for a practical perspective; the kids. They are your first priority- the relationship with the spouse is important, but nothing can stand between you and your responsibility to put them first. My wife and I have been through a lot of hell due to the special needs of our son, but never have we forgotten that our own happiness is secondary to that of our children. We exist for them, end of story. That understanding has kept us together, frankly.

    I hope you pull out of this- it sounds like therapy is a good place to be right now. Stick with it and things can get better.
    Next Reds manager, second shooter. --Confirmed on Redszone.

  12. #11
    Vavasor TRF's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2000
    Location
    Amarillo, TX
    Posts
    13,621

    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eric_the_Red View Post
    If I may ask, do you still want to be married to her? I mean, if you could wave a magic wand and have the past healed and your marriage restored, would you do it?
    yeah. if i could, yeah.

    doesn't exist though, and she put her happiness aside for far too long hoping i would come along. She isn't blameless. I make no excuses for her or me, but i know every great thing i have done in my life, every step toward something i would never have attempted on my own is because of her.

    I was just too locked into circling the drain to see it.
    Suck it up cupcake.

  13. #12
    Mr.Redlegs is my homeboy Eric_the_Red's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    Cincinnati
    Posts
    2,171

    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    Quote Originally Posted by TRF View Post
    yeah. if i could, yeah.

    doesn't exist though, and she put her happiness aside for far too long hoping i would come along. She isn't blameless. I make no excuses for her or me, but i know every great thing i have done in my life, every step toward something i would never have attempted on my own is because of her.

    I was just too locked into circling the drain to see it.
    Have you told her this? Both that you want to fix your marriage and the other great thing you wrote at the end above? Are you sincere in both?
    2013 Record at games attended: 0-1

  14. #13
    Member Cedric's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2002
    Location
    Monroe
    Posts
    6,398

    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    Quote Originally Posted by TRF View Post
    I cheated.

    10 years ago, I had an affair. It was stupid. I had no idea at the time why i was doing it. It happened only a couple of times, but once is enough. I hid it poorly like i wanted to be caught. My wife discovered it 9 years ago right around valentines day. great timing huh.

    Normally the person caught does everything he or she can to win their spouse back. I did the opposite. I became more and more withdrawn. I stopped talking to everyone, abandoned my friends, spent all my time on the internet doing both innocent and not so innocent things there. Every couple of years I'd do another thing to get "caught". No more affairs, but just wrong behavior. Not because it was something I wanted to do, but because if I got caught she would be angry, and I felt like I didn't deserve anything but her anger.

    Over the last 4 months I have almost completely withdrawn. I have cut off all contact from with my family back east as I can no longer stomach the thought of talking to the people that helped create me. But the decision to do so has taken such a toll on me that I have wrapped myself in a shell no one could get through. My wife, desperately lonely has formed a relationship with someone else. She has moved out, met with an attorney and plans to divorce me.

    And I can't really blame her.

    I started therapy last week. I've given it a token try in the past, but I didn't like it or the idea of it. Now I know that without it, I may not live the year. This guy at least seems cool.

    I once posted on here how I love my wife. A long flowing post that seems hypocritical on the surface now, but is actually how i felt. I could never show her that though, and the loneliness i foisted upon her was too much for her to take.

    She's been gone a couple of weeks now, and I have good days and bad. Good when i stay active, bad, mostly at work when i have more time to think and dwell. And her working down the hall from me doesn't help. I miss her, but it took all my screwing up, her leaving for me to realize what i had. I had started blogging a couple of years ago, but wasn't honest in it. I placed blame on her and not where it needed to be. I couldn't accept the love she offered because honestly i didn't know what it is. I still may not know. In fact I'm sure I don't, but I'd like to.

    I keep thinking there is something I can do, or say to get her back. There isn't. I'm terrified of being alone. Stems from being abandoned as a child i think. I used that against her so many times, guilting her into staying instead of giving her a reason to stay. Guilt and manipulation instead of love. It is no wonder she couldn't take it anymore.

    To any who read this. If you find yourself not talking to your significant other, take time to do so. Do it tonight. Turn of the TV and just talk. don't talk about yourself, talk about him/her. Don't show interest, be interested. Be close and feel close. And find a way to be honest with each other and with others around you. It pays off in the long run I think.
    As terrified as you are of being alone I think it might be best for you.

    Find yourself and gain redemption over time. It's the best thing in the world.
    This is the time. The real Reds organization is back.

  15. #14
    Vavasor TRF's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2000
    Location
    Amarillo, TX
    Posts
    13,621

    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    My new nickname for myself is too little, too late. I can't blame her for wanting a partner that wants to talk to her, that wants to communicate, that wants to show her love and feel it from her. I just couldn't.

    I'm a little screwed up.
    Suck it up cupcake.

  16. #15
    Vavasor TRF's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2000
    Location
    Amarillo, TX
    Posts
    13,621

    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    BTW, thank you everyone for the words. It's one reason why i posted. The other is my sincere advice to anyone in a relationship where it feels like you are drifting apart. Stop. take time tonight to tell your partner in life "I love you" and talk about them. Listen to each word and hear what they are saying.

    You might not get a better chance. Or another one.
    Suck it up cupcake.


Turn Off Ads?

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

Board Moderators may, at their discretion and judgment, delete and/or edit any messages that violate any of the following guidelines: 1. Explicit references to alleged illegal or unlawful acts. 2. Graphic sexual descriptions. 3. Racial or ethnic slurs. 4. Use of edgy language (including masked profanity). 5. Direct personal attacks, flames, fights, trolling, baiting, name-calling, general nuisance, excessive player criticism or anything along those lines. 6. Posting spam. 7. Each person may have only one user account. It is fine to be critical here - that's what this board is for. But let's not beat a subject or a player to death, please.

Thank you, and most importantly, enjoy yourselves!


RedsZone.com is a privately owned website and is not affiliated with the Cincinnati Reds or Major League Baseball


Contact us: Boss | GIK | BCubb2003 | dabvu2498 | Gallen5862 | LexRedsFan | Plus Plus | RedlegJake | redsfan1995 | The Operator | Tommyjohn25