Turn Off Ads?
Page 3 of 14 FirstFirst 123456713 ... LastLast
Results 31 to 45 of 208

Thread: How i screwed everything up.

  1. #31
    Puffy 3:16 Puffy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2002
    Location
    Panama City Beach
    Posts
    13,771

    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    Quote Originally Posted by TRF View Post
    So it is official. I'll be going to therapy once a week. Was really nervous about today, and while i currently feel like crap, i at least understand why i feel like crap. at least a little bit.
    After reading and interacting with you on this board for a long time I can only ask.......only one day per week?? I would of guessed three or four.

    Sorry, couldn't resist. Sorry to hear about all this TRF. You are a good dude so keep keep your head up and heal yourself first. From there its all gravy.

    I am also reminded of what Confucious said, "Elevator always smell different to midget"
    "I came here to kick ass and chew bubble gum... and I'm all out of bubble gum."
    - - Rowdy Roddy Piper

    "It takes a big man to admit when he is wrong. I am not a big man"
    - - Fletch

  2. Turn Off Ads?
  3. #32
    Vavasor TRF's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2000
    Location
    Amarillo, TX
    Posts
    13,472

    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    If i could afford more, I'd probably do it. seriously, thanks to everyone. I plan to blog at least once per day, some days more. If anyone gets anything from this, realizes similar patterns or if it just makes you take the time to stop and listen to your partner then regardless of how it turns out for me, it will be worth doing.

    Ah Redszone, my weird extended family. Raisor, my playboy brother, and Puffy the one that lives under the sink.

    Really, thank you, all of you. You have no idea what it has done for me, the interaction alone.
    Suck it up cupcake.

  4. #33
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Back in the Burg, Ohio.
    Posts
    1,331

    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    When I read page one, my heart also broke, man I feel so bad for you. I really wish there was something I could offer, or say, or do, but I don't know exactly what you're going through.

    Though I've had some rough patches, mainly the last year or so, where I've also stopped caring and just didn't believe I deserved anything, I tried to keep a smile on, and until recently no one had said anything to me, or tried to make me feel better, because I did such a good job about keeping it in, although I was hurting so bad inside.

    Lately I've just been sad. There's really no reason, other than I'm a little behind with money, but I just wake up everyday and don't really feel like doing anything, or want to talk with anyone, and just feel sorry for myself. I mean I'm finally doing one of my dreams (playing out in a band), and that makes me feel good, at least for a day or two, but after that, I'm just sad. I hate the feeling, and I wish I knew how to conquer it.

    But after reading the last two pages, and seeing that you're getting help from people on the board, just makes me feel a little better about the "natural good" in people. It kind of gives me hope that there actually might be something inside me that's worth sharing, and something to feel good about myself.
    Let's make some noise!

  5. #34
    Hey Cubs Fans RFS62's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2000
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    16,601

    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    How incredibly brave to put yourself out here like this. I echo what many earlier have said, you're a rock star here, a voice we all want to hear on any important topic.

    You get knocked down, you get back up. Again and again. It's never easy, but it's what life is.

    A lot of people here feel like they know you, and love you for your heart, your passion, your spirit. The very things you think you're missing.

    Get yourself happy, bro. Stop pounding yourself. You do have to own your mistakes, but you aren't defined by them. Just like on an airplane, when the oxygen mask drops, get yours on first, then help your neighbor.

    Time to reflect and heal yourself. Open your heart and go where the inner voice takes you.

    I can't even imagine the guts it took to start this thread. That's not a small thing. None of us would have ever imagined you were going through all of this. We just know you as a brilliant guy with a love for baseball.

    Good luck, and find happiness and embrace it as your birthright.
    "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
    ~ Mark Twain

  6. #35
    Vavasor TRF's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2000
    Location
    Amarillo, TX
    Posts
    13,472

    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    One thing i have always worried about was the effect of therapy on me as a person. Would it change me so much that I no longer recognized me? What I failed to realize was that me was really broken. Hell, even I wouldn't want to be around me. And I didn't. I'd fall into non-thinking/doing states all the time. I was... there, and that is about it. Really I still am in that state. Last night was particularly rough. All the stuff brought up in therapy yesterday made me wonder if the deck is just too stacked or if the wall is too high to climb. Fell right back into the same routine. One word answers and lots of TV.

    Didn't really want to wake up today. Fortunately the next 5 days are pretty active. That usually helps.
    Suck it up cupcake.

  7. #36
    Member Sea Ray's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Cincinnati, Ohio
    Posts
    15,567

    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    Quote Originally Posted by TRF View Post
    Thanks everyone. My daughter came home last night, and will be spending then next week or so with me. She's 12 and this had the potential of really harming her. I also had a friend of nearly 30 years come over last night. Though he and I work on the same campus, we never see each other. I had basically just ignored him as i withdrew more and more. Was up till 2:00 talking to him last night, unloading at times and just good old fashioned talking.

    It has been a long time it seems since i had a conversation, and actual conversation with anyone.

    I have my second session today. It has me a little nervous. The first day was letting as much out as i could, but now i have no idea what i want to say. I guess it will come out though.

    I wish i didn't have to sink so far to realize how much i was giving up, and more importantly how much i was hurting everyone around me.
    So how many kids are involved here? Did they leave with your wife?

  8. #37
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Posts
    1,007

    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    Quote Originally Posted by TRF View Post
    One thing i have always worried about was the effect of therapy on me as a person. Would it change me so much that I no longer recognized me? What I failed to realize was that me was really broken. Hell, even I wouldn't want to be around me. And I didn't. I'd fall into non-thinking/doing states all the time. I was... there, and that is about it. Really I still am in that state. Last night was particularly rough. All the stuff brought up in therapy yesterday made me wonder if the deck is just too stacked or if the wall is too high to climb. Fell right back into the same routine. One word answers and lots of TV.

    Didn't really want to wake up today. Fortunately the next 5 days are pretty active. That usually helps.


    not sure if this will help, as I have been in your shoes and it really does seem as if nothing will help, especially a bunch of strangers on a internet site....but I was where you are right now, therapy, lost marriage, drinking and doing drugs as an escape....alienated my family because I was broke and did not know how to fix myself, I lost friends, I blamed family for my problems......

    bottom line is this....you have to embrace the people that want to help you, maybe one day they will need your help, but today they are helping you....take that all in, cherish it....all these "strangers" on this site will do anything to help you and that in itself is amazing....these people love you TRF....the next thing you need to do is "man up"....you have to realize that the past is the past, you cant live today thinking about the past...today is the new day and the start of you living a new life, dont forget that.

    your wife.....if you love her....go get her.....do whatever it takes to get her back, if she is your rock, like my wife is to me, then you need to go get that woman back.....who cares if she is seeing someone else, go far and above what the old TRF would do and try your best.....if she still does not want you back then you will never live another day "wondering" if you could have done more.....never leave that doubt in your head.

    the next thing you do....is make a list of all things that you want to do...not what you need to do....but what you want to do....do yo want to see the grand canyon? do you want to go to a Reds game and sit in the diamond club seats? whatever it is, start saving money and start doing the things that TRF wants to do and dont stop until you get things done.....no matter the cost.

    I was seeing a therapist once a week due to my past....I wasnt me, and I wanted to change...these are the things that my therapist wanted me to do and it helped me a ton....althought my wife never left, she was mentally gone and ready to pull the trigger on a divorce at any moment....now we are the best of friends and closest of companions...we go to church every sunday and we both make lists of stuff we want to do and we make sure that we each get to do 1 big thing a year....we might go in debt doing them, but we do it..


    Hope it works out for ya pal, I really do....keep that head held high and man up, trust me, you will start to feel better...

  9. #38
    Vavasor TRF's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2000
    Location
    Amarillo, TX
    Posts
    13,472

    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sea Ray View Post
    So how many kids are involved here? Did they leave with your wife?
    we have three kids, 12, 19, 21. The oldest is out of the house, and has started her own family. My son is still in the house as he goes to college and works overnights. My youngest went with my wife for a while but was not comfortable where she is staying, so she is back home. My wife is spending evenings in our house to be around her, which has the side effect of making things a bit uncomfortable. She snaps at me over everything from missing dvd's (my son) to when I am buying my daughter a new toothbrush. I am trying to keep from falling into the trap, snapping back, justifying her treatment of me. damn that is hard.

    So i just offer to help. I listen to what she is saying and disregard the tone. Yeah, I'm just dumb enough to finally try, even though it is really too little too late.
    Suck it up cupcake.

  10. #39
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Location
    SAN DIEGO, CA
    Posts
    22

    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    Been through a divorce and I'm broke. Never been happier though!

  11. #40
    Vavasor TRF's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2000
    Location
    Amarillo, TX
    Posts
    13,472

    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    weird day. I hit another HR in softball, dead center field, two run shot. my wife was angry at me all day because i got back on facebook. and i am now down to 3 hours of sleep a night it seems. We had a long conversation via text last night. My actions have left her pretty miserable. She wants to be happy again, but doesn't believe that can ever happen with me.

    Can't blame her for that.

    I just want her to know that I do love her, and the kids. That I no longer want her to wait. I want to no longer think about ending everything because it hurts to look in a mirror or be alone with my thoughts.

    I'm finally trying, because the alternative... is not to be here anymore.
    Suck it up cupcake.

  12. #41
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Posts
    132

    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    Don't make any drastic decisions on 3 hours of sleep! Trust time, it will always move forward, and what's ahead will never be exactly how it is now. So it will get better. Congrats on the HR, did the team do anything fun afterward?

  13. #42
    Vavasor TRF's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2000
    Location
    Amarillo, TX
    Posts
    13,472

    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    Quote Originally Posted by frenetic wave View Post
    Congrats on the HR, did the team do anything fun afterward?
    nope. just lost the game.
    Suck it up cupcake.

  14. #43
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2001
    Posts
    9,876

    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    TRF this story is heartbreaking. Keep your head up buddy, and think about things in life that make you happy- your kids, the Reds, whatever else. Things will get better, they always do.
    Go BLUE!!!

  15. #44
    Vavasor TRF's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2000
    Location
    Amarillo, TX
    Posts
    13,472

    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    Trying to take each day at face value. Don't dwell, just look forward. Today along with my daughter's dance practice on stage, which i get to watch, will be about food. particularly the food i am cooking. Carne Asada. all home made, tortillas made fresh in front of me. fresh veggies, spanish rice, refried beans, the whole 9 yards. I've invited my wife to eat with us, but she is dancing around giving an answer. I'd be uncomfortable too. Hell I am uncomfortable. But all of us need to get past where we are now.

    Yesterday i was very down, especially on myself. today I actually can breathe a bit. At least I can right this second.
    Suck it up cupcake.

  16. #45
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Posts
    1,007

    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    Quote Originally Posted by TRF View Post
    weird day. I hit another HR in softball, dead center field, two run shot. my wife was angry at me all day because i got back on facebook. and i am now down to 3 hours of sleep a night it seems. We had a long conversation via text last night. My actions have left her pretty miserable. She wants to be happy again, but doesn't believe that can ever happen with me.

    Can't blame her for that.

    I just want her to know that I do love her, and the kids. That I no longer want her to wait. I want to no longer think about ending everything because it hurts to look in a mirror or be alone with my thoughts.

    I'm finally trying, because the alternative... is not to be here anymore.



    hey bud.....like I said earlier, man up. how is not being here anymore going to help? chumps take that way out. When things get going rough, send a PM to someone here....talk, talk, talk, talk.....it helps. Get more involved with the 12 year old....does she go to the softball park with ya? take her to the movies with a few of her friends.....it all starts with you TRF.....just dont ever think not being here is solving anything.


Turn Off Ads?

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

Board Moderators may, at their discretion and judgment, delete and/or edit any messages that violate any of the following guidelines: 1. Explicit references to alleged illegal or unlawful acts. 2. Graphic sexual descriptions. 3. Racial or ethnic slurs. 4. Use of edgy language (including masked profanity). 5. Direct personal attacks, flames, fights, trolling, baiting, name-calling, general nuisance, excessive player criticism or anything along those lines. 6. Posting spam. 7. Each person may have only one user account. It is fine to be critical here - that's what this board is for. But let's not beat a subject or a player to death, please.

Thank you, and most importantly, enjoy yourselves!


RedsZone.com is a privately owned website and is not affiliated with the Cincinnati Reds or Major League Baseball


Contact us: Boss | GIK | BCubb2003 | dabvu2498 | Gallen5862 | LexRedsFan | Plus Plus | RedlegJake | redsfan1995 | The Operator | Tommyjohn25