How i screwed everything up.

[frenetic wave]

Perspective filters everything. There probably aren't a lot of things in your life that you are excited about or take pride in- which is understandable given the situation but it is also partly due to a defeatist attitude and withdrawing. If you had just a few small things to look forward to or a few new things to explore and put your focus and attention on, you would notice that your grip on the past and others will loosen and you will start to re-build yourself. Right now it sounds like you are neglecting your body/soul/mind and dwelling on the past and people who are no longer part of your intimate life. Allow yourself to be selfish in a healthy way. Take care of you.

I was depressed for a while after a relationship that went south and I finally got to a point where I realized that I just felt horrible every second of the day. And I asked myself why and I realized that it was because I was literally abandoning my own body and mind. I can never change another person or the past, but I do have the power to change what is in my control- ME. In that dark moment I decided that if I am going to feel miserable and awful, I might as well feel miserable and awful while doing things that will help myself. I also told myself that I accepted that I had grown weak as a person but that I would start re-gaining control of my life where I could, and so I started to take control over my eating habits.

I overhauled my diet and in 3 weeks I lost 10 pounds. And by the 4th week, I started to feel stronger and more in control of my body and mind, and I started to run and lift weights. Eventually I had re-gained pride and control over my body and that did a huge number on the confidence of my mind. I truly believe that part of my depression stemmed from my body/mind being neglected and poorly taken care of. I don't know what your diet and exercise is like, but if it is poor, you can do a lot of good for yourself and your pride and confidence by letting your emotional rock bottom grant you the freedom to slowly take back control of you.

I hope it works out and as others have said, time does help. Build yourself back up so that when you meet the next love of your life you are in a healthy place and can take advantage of it.

[Hillsdale87]

Religion isn't for me. It isn't a lack of faith in God. It's just a bad mix for me. I don't belittle or disrespect anyones beliefs, it's just I don't feel religious beliefs in my heart. My wife does, but a fear that I would put her down has kept her from her faith. Just another straw I suppose.

Though I started therapy only just last week, I have been taking stock of how i got here for quite some time. One thing I know for certain, I cannot change FOR her or my kids. I have to change for ME and hope they receive the benefit. It may not work that way though. I could finally come to accept myself and realize I'm just not a good person. But I think that I can feel trust and interest and love from my family, even if that family is no longer whole.

But if I stay like this, as I am now, I serve no purpose. And I feel like I need to serve a purpose.

It's interesting that you say that "Religion isn't for me". I'm not sure what you mean when you say that it's a bad mix. I obviously only know the details that you have provided here, but it seems like God is exactly what you are seeking. You say that you're not a good person. This is a conclusion that I reached about myself a long time ago. No matter how hard I try to do good, I am completely helpless and always fall. The beauty of Christianity is that God accepts you even with your imperfections. Jesus came to die to take away the sins of all those that believe in Him. If you believe in Him, your sins are covered and paid for. This is such a hard concept for me because for the longest time I was so focused on doing good and continually failing. I think you will drive yourself crazy if you put your full trust in yourself or in other people for your happiness.

I'll be praying for you as you deal with this situation.

[paintmered]

TRF,

Thanks for sharing. That must have been supremely difficult to share that with a group of mostly strangers. Good on you for doing it.

I'm in no position to offer advice, so I'm not going to try. But whether it means anything to you or not, you'll be in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you can find some peace through all of this. And I'm always willing to lend an ear if you need one.

[LoganBuck]

I have been following your blog since the days when we squared off on Drew Stubbs as a prospect. Hang in there.

You need to get involved with something, anything. It is too important for you to be strong for your children both young and old. I have seen several of my friends and friends families go through divorce. Several of those situations ended very badly, and the common thread was that the man sank into alcohol and self pity.

Get involved, help out a community organization, play more softball, play golf with friends. Don't shutter yourself off from your friends and your family. Knock on doors that you closed. They want to see you and your family move forward and recover to lead healthy lives.

Good luck.

[frenetic wave]

To echo the non-religious sentiments of the above posts, you do need to interact with people, whether that means going to church, joining a recreational sports league, or joining any similar interest group with a community. When you're down or depressed you will have a concrete idea in your head about how things are, how you are and how people are, and until you start interacting with new people those unhealthy, depressed thoughts will go untested and unchallenged. Meet new people, form new friendships and relationships and give yourself opportunities to remind yourself that you are capable of forming healthy relationships.

If you lock yourself in your room and tell yourself there is a snowstorm outside, that will be your unchallenged reality until you finally open the door and realize the weather is actually much nicer.

[Johnny Footstool]

I'm sorry for the way things are going, TRF. Stay in therapy, and take it seriously. You can't get better on your own. People want to help you. Let them.

[Captain Hook]

While it's difficult to lay it all out there like TRF has there's a lot that one can take from his problems.I'm always worried that someday I might take my wife for granted and begin to neglect her love for me.I have a lot of hobbies and friends so I'm constantly examining my priorities and hearing someone else talk about their loss and how they feel about their mistakes helps put things in perspective.

Thanks for having the guts to share and I hope things turn around for you TRF.

[Slyder]

Getting it out there and admitting there's a problem was a big part for me getting over massive depression in 02. Next thing I did was start talking to a perfect stranger at the University of Akron (one of the councilors), it helped because I knew he was someone I would never see again afterwards and thus no one else would have to know.

I wish I could provide more than just a bit of my personal experience and that my thoughts and prayers will be with you in this trying time.

[reds44]

I wish I knew what to say, but just keep your head up. The best recipe for this kind of thing is time. You just gotta hang in there, even on your darkest days.

Best wishes.

[reds44]

I wish I knew what to say, but just keep your head up. The best recipe for this kind of thing is time. You just gotta hang in there, even on your darkest days.

Best wishes.

[TRF]

Thanks everyone. My daughter came home last night, and will be spending then next week or so with me. She's 12 and this had the potential of really harming her. I also had a friend of nearly 30 years come over last night. Though he and I work on the same campus, we never see each other. I had basically just ignored him as i withdrew more and more. Was up till 2:00 talking to him last night, unloading at times and just good old fashioned talking.

It has been a long time it seems since i had a conversation, and actual conversation with anyone.

I have my second session today. It has me a little nervous. The first day was letting as much out as i could, but now i have no idea what i want to say. I guess it will come out though.

I wish i didn't have to sink so far to realize how much i was giving up, and more importantly how much i was hurting everyone around me.

[Mario-Rijo]

I don't have any history in this area so I can't say I know exactly how you feel TRF but what I do know about is dark times in general. 2 words, Embrace Living, get an idea of what that is for you and start heading that direction. Your loved and respected here TRF so keep that in mind, we aren't just an internet message board we're a family.

[Raisor]

Find a good therapist, even if it means going to three or four before you settle on one. I got lucky with mine, I picked her because she went to Miami of Ohio for her undergrad. We hit it off right away. it took awhile but she got me through some really crummy stuff. I went to a pshrink because I had to, I go to my thearpist because I want to.

[TRF]

I wish my problems were as simple as taking my wife for granted. They aren't I just stopped caring about anything. No, I stopped showing i cared. Maybe both. I was just dying inside everyday a little more. Killing off my personality, and trying my best to sever all meaningful connections.

So my goal now is just honesty. To be as honest as i can to as many people as i can, in the hopes that I can again make real connections. Even if it is on a relatively anonymous messageboard, or facebook, or with the very few friends I haven't alienated completely. "Talking" here has helped a lot, and I wish I could express my gratitude better.

[TRF]

So it is official. I'll be going to therapy once a week. Was really nervous about today, and while i currently feel like crap, i at least understand why i feel like crap. at least a little bit.