How i screwed everything up.

[Chip R]

Thanks for all you are doing, HOD.

TRF, get better soon.

[Handofdeath]

He's out now. Hopefully, he'll post soon.

[Ron Madden]

[QUOTE=gilpdawg;2355953]I haven't posted on this thread yet. Didn't really know what to say I guess. But I've been following. You're in my thoughts.
/QUOTE]

This goes for me as well. Hang in there TRF, you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

[Sean_CaseyRules]

TRF,

I'm glad you're still around man. You were definitely in my prayers, and like what's already been said before, we love you here man. Although we haven't actually met, I feel as if we've been friends for a while while reading this thread. Things WILL get better, it may take a while, but they will. And we're all gonna be here for every step of the way!

[savafan]

He's had some really good days to bad days lately. He and I have been in contact on a mostly daily basis.

[TRF]

It's been three weeks since I went in, been visiting, but too embarrassed and ashamed to post.

I'm on a different medication now, Celexa. So no more cotton mouth. I try for at least 6 hours of sleep per night, but i won't lie, I was up 4 straight days last week. A friends husband's unit was put on high alert after Bin Laden was killed and it was possible he might be deployed. So i stayed up all night with her on the phone until she received word he wouldn't be. He was on maneuvers at the time.

I take my medication everyday at the same time. I got my therapist from the Pavilion to agree to take me on as a patient. My last therapist was so fatalistic, that he never actually helped me, and in fact may have contributed to my actions.

But I'm not blaming anyone or anything. Just myself. It seemed so logical at the time and so insane now. I had been up for almost a week with about 3 hours sleep total. I was on a new medication. And my world was falling apart. When I described my attempt to my counselor her exact words were, "wow, you were serious." Most of the patients were impulse attempts. I had a plan. I took two pills at a time a few minutes apart so i wouldn't throw up. I bought lunch, muffins and a Bible, hoping to find some meaning in all this. I hadn't eaten in a week, and that probably saved my life. I got to a point where i couldn't put any more in my body... i was just too full. Funny how things work like that.

I have good and bad days. My friends have taken me in, no questions asked. They give me whatever support i ask for. I don't want my marriage to be over, but i know i have to prepare myself for that happening.

It's been a whirlwind of a week, with my youngest's 13th birthday party saturday, my oldest's first mother's day and the big news... I am adopting her and her brother. Now that they are legally adults, I can adopt them without their biological father's consent. My oldest actually asked me to do it, even though she is less than a year from getting married. She has said she'll keep my name and hyphenate. I am touched beyond words by this.

I want to thank all of you for the kind thoughts and messages in this thread and in private. I want to especially thank savafan as I believe we have formed the beginning of a great friendship. He's dealing with problems too, so please keep him in your thoughts.

So, thank you. for the personal stories in private, you know who you are. Thank you for the public support, and the caring you showed a stranger with three letters for a name.

I will be posting less, and trying to talk more. I'm on Facebook way too much, but its the best way for me and sava to talk. A few of you have friended me there, and I welcome all others.

I'm also back to blogging again, but more of a day in the life thing, to help me sort my thoughts rather than wallow in self pity. of course, you'll see a little wallowing there from time to time. But I'm trying.

Don't know what else to say. Honestly, thank you seems so lame, but is the only thing I know of to express my gratitude. And I hope I never put any of you through anything like this again.

[Unassisted]

Best way to thank us is to keep getting better, TRF. It's great to hear that you are getting some local help and support from family and professionals.

[Homer Bailey]

Very happy to have you back and better TRF.

[Sea Ray]

Great to hear from you! Thanks for checking in

[RedsManRick]

Awesome news, TRF! I'll certainly continue to keep you (and Sava) in my thoughts, but it's great to see you on the road to a better place.

[Redsfaithful]

So good to see you around here again TRF.

[AtomicDumpling]

I am very glad to hear you are doing better TRF!

[RichRed]

Good to see you back, TRF! All the best to you.

[Brisco]

If I may ask, do you still want to be married to her? I mean, if you could wave a magic wand and have the past healed and your marriage restored, would you do it?

TRF & SAVAFAN:

I have been reading posts by the both of you for years and enjoying them. I would like to give something back. Without getting into details, let me just say I have made a career of finding the magic wand Eric_the_Red is talking about for Soldiers going through exactly what you are.

If you would like to talk, I will PM my number.

Brisco (Rich)

[reds44]

Great to hear from you TRF! Just keep grinding, things will get better.