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Thread: How i screwed everything up.

  1. #76
    Mr.Redlegs is my homeboy Eric_the_Red's Avatar
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    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    TRF- I love the tone of your post. It seems that you've really turned a corner. Good for you. There will be bumps in the road. There always are. Just try to not let those bumps derail you. Keep going. Eyes forward. Focus on the goal.

    As for your marriage, you know I still hold out hope for you guys. Your wife married you and had children with you for a reason. You were once that guy for her, and you can be again. The kicker is that you can still be responsible for your happiness and make sure you hold on to that, and be the husband she deserves.

    IMO, the way we gain the most inward happiness is to do for others. Is there a better feeling than watching your kids open their presents Christmas morning? Shower your wife and kids with your love, and you will get a sense of happiness you never dreamed possible. And odds are, they will return the favor.

    It sounds as though over the years you made it really hard on those closest to you to stay with you. Now is your chance to make it even more difficult for them to leave you.

    Good luck, TRF.
    2013 Record at games attended: 0-1

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  3. #77
    Vavasor TRF's Avatar
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    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    i still have panic moments. having a bit of one now in fact. but now i know, no i feel that my friends really do care and will help prop me up.

    sava, you need to seek some help like that. there are guys and gals on this board that have been so helpful to me.

    I almost ended my life thursday. I really came close, and only the thought of my daughter saved me. I had two uncles commit suicide, neither had children. it may have been easier to let go without them.

    The light of day makes me less optimistic about my marriage. I still feel so much guilt, but it weighs less everyday. I noticed while walking in to work this morning, my head was up, not down.

    I can't remember the last time that happened.

    i find.. i just want her to be happy. it hurts me that she isn't. and i don't think she is happy with this decision.
    Suck it up cupcake.

  4. #78
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    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change, the realist adjusts the sails.

    William Arthur Ward

  5. #79
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    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    Quote Originally Posted by TeamSelig View Post
    The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change, the realist adjusts the sails.

    William Arthur Ward
    I love that quote, mind if I use it as my sig for a while.

    And great to hear you're moving to fight past this TRF.
    Last edited by Slyder; 04-14-2011 at 12:28 AM.
    Quote Originally Posted by moewan View Post
    Barmaid to patron "Sir you are slurring, I am going to have to cut you off"

    Patron to barmaid "I'm not slurring, I'm speaking in cursive"


  6. #80
    Vavasor TRF's Avatar
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    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    trying. stumbled yesterday.

    read blog please. i need some help
    Suck it up cupcake.

  7. #81
    Hey Cubs Fans RFS62's Avatar
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    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    You didn't find all this misery overnight. It won't go away that easily, either. Stay in motion.

    Be aware of how dangerous your thoughts are. Sounds to me like your best motivation to not do something drastic is how it will affect your kids. No matter what you think of yourself, they come first. You can't leave them with that to think about the rest of their lives.

    When you finally get through this all, after much hard work and introspection, they will understand. If you chose the immediate and seemingly easy way out, they'll be scarred for life, far worse than anything you think you've already done.

    Use that to keep you going, dealing with the incredible pain you express in your blog. It's about you, but it's also not about you. Don't forget that, ever.

    You think you suck because you tell yourself that non-stop all day and all night long. How could you do anything but suck if that's what you believe in your deepest part of your soul? You have to first become aware that you're doing it, and then make every effort to banish those thoughts. Tell yourself that you'll do whatever you need to do to get better for your kids, if that's what it takes. Just stop the negative self talk. Until you do, you'll live in the world of pain you have become so accustomed to and wallow in. Don't think about stopping it, just stop it. So far, you chose not to because it's so familiar to you.

    Don't mean to be harsh, but it's time you become aware of how destructive your self talk is to your recovery. It must stop.

    Good thoughts and prayers are coming your way from many places, regardless of how you view such efforts. We believe in you, but you have to believe in yourself, the self you used to be and was once proud of. You haven't lost that guy, you've just covered him up with BS and garbage that you now seem to believe is the real you. It isn't. Strip it away, starting with the negative self talk.
    "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
    ~ Mark Twain

  8. #82
    Vavasor TRF's Avatar
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    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    its just been so long. its like i have had moments of happiness, but was never happy. i want to feel it, but dont know how. i cant stop dwelling on the mistakes.

    i cant stop thinking of her.

    i dont know how to do what i need to do.
    Suck it up cupcake.

  9. #83
    BobC, get a legit F.O.! Mario-Rijo's Avatar
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    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    Quote Originally Posted by RFS62 View Post
    You didn't find all this misery overnight. It won't go away that easily, either. Stay in motion.

    Be aware of how dangerous your thoughts are. Sounds to me like your best motivation to not do something drastic is how it will affect your kids. No matter what you think of yourself, they come first. You can't leave them with that to think about the rest of their lives.

    When you finally get through this all, after much hard work and introspection, they will understand. If you chose the immediate and seemingly easy way out, they'll be scarred for life, far worse than anything you think you've already done.

    Use that to keep you going, dealing with the incredible pain you express in your blog. It's about you, but it's also not about you. Don't forget that, ever.

    You think you suck because you tell yourself that non-stop all day and all night long. How could you do anything but suck if that's what you believe in your deepest part of your soul? You have to first become aware that you're doing it, and then make every effort to banish those thoughts. Tell yourself that you'll do whatever you need to do to get better for your kids, if that's what it takes. Just stop the negative self talk. Until you do, you'll live in the world of pain you have become so accustomed to and wallow in. Don't think about stopping it, just stop it. So far, you chose not to because it's so familiar to you.

    Don't mean to be harsh, but it's time you become aware of how destructive your self talk is to your recovery. It must stop.

    Good thoughts and prayers are coming your way from many places, regardless of how you view such efforts. We believe in you, but you have to believe in yourself, the self you used to be and was once proud of. You haven't lost that guy, you've just covered him up with BS and garbage that you now seem to believe is the real you. It isn't. Strip it away, starting with the negative self talk.
    Bolded for truth!!! Like I said earlier embrace the idea of living, I don't mean existing either, living, whatever that ideal scenario is for you. You can't get to where you want to go if you are busy walking backwards or standing still. And quit talking yourself down, you made some mistakes your human for crying out loud.
    "You can't let praise or criticism get to you. It's a weakness to get caught up in either one."

    --Woody Hayes

  10. #84
    Hey Cubs Fans RFS62's Avatar
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    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    Quote Originally Posted by TRF View Post
    its just been so long. its like i have had moments of happiness, but was never happy. i want to feel it, but dont know how. i cant stop dwelling on the mistakes.

    This is your biggest problem. You live in an endless cycle of replaying your mistakes and using them to beat yourself up. It never stops in your mind. Your internal dialogue consists of many versions of "I suck". And you believe it with all your heart.

    Until you realize that it's not you that sucks, it's your past behavior that sucks, you won't have a moments peace. YOU don't suck. What you've done may, but YOU don't.

    You are what you believe, good, bad or indifferent. You believe with all your heart that you suck. That must stop before any other progress is possible.

    It's a self fulfilling prophecy. You spin it into reality with every internal thought. How could you do anything but suck, if you're so convinced that you do?

    You have to draw the distinction between yourself and your behavior. Yes, accept responsibility for your actions and do the best you can to stop the behavior you're so ashamed of. Awareness is the first and most important step. Awareness of what is, not all the other BS you keep hammering yourself with. First, become aware that your self talk is holding you down in the mud. You say you don't believe in Heaven or Hell. Well, you're in Hell right now. You define it with everything you say. And you're there because you chose to believe you are.

    Once you realize it's your behavior that's abhorrent, not YOU, you can begin to recover your self esteem. And it's a process. You have a well ingrained habit of wallowing in self pity and recrimination, and you can easily justify it by your perception that you actually are the things you've done. They're behaviors, not who you are. They must change, and your self perception must change. Until it does, you'll remain in your self imposed hell on earth.
    "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
    ~ Mark Twain

  11. #85
    Danger is my business! oneupper's Avatar
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    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    "A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it."

    http://dalmady.blogspot.com

  12. #86
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    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    Great advice as usual from RFS62.

    TRF, you've got to stop dwelling on your mistakes. You've got to realize that the past is the past. It's history and there's nothing that you can do to alter it. However, what you can do is learn from your past and change the behaviors that led to the issues. You can do this. You've just got to commit to it.

    We all make mistakes. It's the human condition. But those mistakes don't define who we are. What matters is how we learn from those mistakes and our actions as we move forward in life.

    I'm very worried about the fact that you keep mentioning ending it all. Redszone is a wonderful place full of a lot of great people with great advice, but none of us are a substitute for seeking proper help in a situation like this. You really need to be addressing these thoughts with your therapist so that the two of you can find ways to work through them. This is absolutely essential, so I urge you to please do this. Suicide will solve nothing and will have a lasting, detrimental effect on your children. I know you don't want this. You've got to remember that no matter how bad things are, the world is still a better place with you in it. That's the truth.

    Hang in there. And please, call your therapist. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that you can do this all by yourself. Nobody can.

  13. #87
    Administrator Boss-Hog's Avatar
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    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    Quote Originally Posted by Larkin Fan
    I'm very worried about the fact that you keep mentioning ending it all. Redszone is a wonderful place full of a lot of great people with great advice, but none of us are a substitute for seeking proper help in a situation like this. You really need to be addressing these thoughts with your therapist so that the two of you can find ways to work through them. This is absolutely essential, so I urge you to please do this. Suicide will solve nothing and will have a lasting, detrimental effect on your children. I know you don't want this. You've got to remember that no matter how bad things are, the world is still a better place with you in it. That's the truth.

    Hang in there. And please, call your therapist. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that you can do this all by yourself. Nobody can.
    I completely agree. TRF, we're all worried for you and praying that things take a dramatic turn for the better, but as great and helpful as many of the people on this board are, please do not use it as some sort of substitute for the therapy you've acknowledged you need.

  14. #88
    Vavasor TRF's Avatar
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    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    seeing a therapist. its tearing everything open. all the wounds. abandoned by my mom, so many times. shuttled from foster care to family that didnt want me. molested as a 10 year old. everything. i am so damn sad.

    my therapist knows i want to end it. got me to call my pcp. i start on Pristiq today for depression. just a week sample. he was afraid if i have more i could hurt myself. he's probably right. also a small prescription for xanax to help me sleep. again, not enough to hurt myself

    i keep running scenarios in my head. what if... what about... i end up giving myself false hope my lack of sleep fueling wild mood swings. optimism to rage to oblivion.

    my friends are trying. but it is exhausting them. bringing them down. so they avoid me. like yesterday.

    its so damn unfair. i never wanted to be like this. i never wanted to be so broken inside, so screwed up. it wasnt that i wouldnt get help, i couldnt.

    when i finally realized it, she was gone. and she sees this as a ploy to get her back. i want to be able to breathe again, and i want to do that with her.
    Suck it up cupcake.

  15. #89
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    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    Just remember... if you commit suicide, your daughter will NEVER recover from it.

  16. #90
    Vavasor TRF's Avatar
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    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    saw my therapist. he thinks i'm a bit of a jerk. takes one.

    I've decide to quit with the blog. it was only hurting me. wasn't helping. every memory written down was weighing me down more, forcing me to look at what i have lost.

    i'll be post here, from time to time. not so much on the baseball side anymore. just doesn't feel as important to me as it used to. maybe it never was. maybe it was just a distraction from my problems, dunno.

    got some sleep finally last night. and i am now on anti-depressants. probably should have been for years.

    i still miss her so much though. i should have missed her sooner.

    i'm not ok. but, i'm... ok, you know? the suicidal thoughts are fading a bit. my son is hovering over me, wont leave me alone. He's the finest man i have ever known.

    so i'll be bugging you guys directly. i hope you dont get too tired of it.

    Thank you my dear anonymous friends. you mean more to me than you can possibly know.
    Suck it up cupcake.


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