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Thread: How i screwed everything up.

  1. #91
    Member VR's Avatar
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    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    TRF, you've always been one of my favorites on RZ.

    Lots of good advice here already, please keep your head up. If any of us thought too long on our mistakes, we'd be miserable. That's life, we're not perfect....but there's plenty of good times ahead once you are able to square with who you are, and what you've done. Turning the page is never easy, so surround yourself with people you trust while you go through it.

    Most importantly, find a way to forgive yourself as fast as possible.

    Keep your head up.
    Baseball is like church. Many attend, few understand

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  3. #92
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    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    Quote Originally Posted by TRF View Post
    saw my therapist. he thinks i'm a bit of a jerk. takes one.

    I've decide to quit with the blog. it was only hurting me. wasn't helping. every memory written down was weighing me down more, forcing me to look at what i have lost.

    i'll be post here, from time to time. not so much on the baseball side anymore. just doesn't feel as important to me as it used to. maybe it never was. maybe it was just a distraction from my problems, dunno.

    got some sleep finally last night. and i am now on anti-depressants. probably should have been for years.

    i still miss her so much though. i should have missed her sooner.

    i'm not ok. but, i'm... ok, you know? the suicidal thoughts are fading a bit. my son is hovering over me, wont leave me alone. He's the finest man i have ever known.

    so i'll be bugging you guys directly. i hope you dont get too tired of it.

    Thank you my dear anonymous friends. you mean more to me than you can possibly know.
    TRF, I don't think any of us would tire of hearing updates from you.

    Use us as you need us. It's the advantage of crowdsourcing, we all can try to ease the burden of your problems and by God somebody knows a good answer to get through one more day.

    It's funny the way Redszone can work as a distraction from your problems and a surgeon's knife to cut open your emotional wounds. It can be both or neither all at the same time it seems.
    When people say that I donít know what Iím talking about when it comes to sports or writing, I think: Man, you should see me in the rest of my life.
    ---Joe Posnanski

  4. #93
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    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    Hang in there TRF. Trust me, therapy, can be life changing but you will take your lumps just stick it out.

  5. #94
    Vavasor TRF's Avatar
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    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    just got back from my daughter's dance dress rehearsal. very hard for me. i see now it isn't that i lost my wife, i'm losing my family. i never had one growing up. mom always taking off, no dad. and its easy to say i haven't lost it, it has just changed, but for me it is lost. i need them all around me.

    this sucks. i didn't get help in time? thats it? it isnt fair.
    Suck it up cupcake.

  6. #95
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    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    Quote Originally Posted by TRF View Post
    just got back from my daughter's dance dress rehearsal. very hard for me. i see now it isn't that i lost my wife, i'm losing my family. i never had one growing up. mom always taking off, no dad. and its easy to say i haven't lost it, it has just changed, but for me it is lost. i need them all around me.

    this sucks. i didn't get help in time? thats it? it isnt fair.
    There is always time TRF you just need to realize that it might take time. And you need to start to get yourself healthy and then you can start to repair relationships. The people around you need you in their life but they need you healthy and you need to take care of yourself before you can worry about anything else. Good luck, TRF.

  7. #96
    Vavasor TRF's Avatar
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    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    i know the quick fix wont work, wont last. i know. it hurts though.

    my moving out tomorrow is a sham. i have nowhere to go. i'll be sleeping at therest area outside amarillo. something i did in my late teens too. i'll see my daughter everyday as i pick her up from school. hopefully i have enough for a place may 1, but because we were so far behind on the house payment, getting caught up put me at $600 OD. my friends, have vanished knowing i need a place to crash. some friends.

    ah well, it is what it is.
    Suck it up cupcake.

  8. #97
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    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    Quote Originally Posted by kbrake View Post
    There is always time TRF you just need to realize that it might take time. And you need to start to get yourself healthy and then you can start to repair relationships. The people around you need you in their life but they need you healthy and you need to take care of yourself before you can worry about anything else. Good luck, TRF.
    I completely agree with this, TRF. It may feel to you as if you are losing your family. I assure you, that isn't the case. You will always be your daughter's father. Same with the rest of your kids. What you need to do right now is take care of yourself. If things with your wife can be repaired, they will only be repaired after you get your life in order, deal with your problems, struggles, difficulties, whatever. That should be your #1 priority right now. Find that person inside you that you like, that you admire, and start developing that person to become who you will be. Once that is done you can start working on re-establishing prior relationships.
    'When I'm not longer rapping, I want to open up an ice cream parlor and call myself Scoop Dogg.'
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    Your Mom is happy.

  9. #98
    RaisorZone Raisor's Avatar
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    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    25 months ago I was two days away from killing myself. I was on "vacation" from work, which at the time meant I was working 70 hours that week instead of 90. Couldn't let it go. Stuff had been building up since I was a kid, but the stress from the job was the stresser that set me off. From Jan of that year to March I had lost about 35 lbs, just because I wasn't eating at all, well, not more then a few bites here and there. I was working until 11 or 12 at night and waking up at 5 to start working again. Had to take sleeping pills to get any sleep and then had to freebase coffee to wake up. I stopped taking care of myself, was only showering a couple times a week, my hair had grown out to unacceptable work lengths and I stopped shaving. Looked like a patchy Johnny Damon from his cave man days. My wife, of course, knew there was something wrong. So did my mom and dad. They were hoping I'd catch a breather during my "vacation", but instead I kept working. Mom and the wife got together and made me go to my primary care phys, who I'd never been to, but he was on my plan at the time. Within five minutes of going into the little room, I was telling her that I wanted to kill myself and was planning how I was going to do it. The pcp (she was actually a nurse pract), had me call the wife in and I repeated what I had said to her. While she knew I was bad, she didn't know how bad. They then got together and came up with a plan where I checked myself into a mental health rehab center as a day patient (didn't have to stay overnight, thank God, though I probably should have). Got to talk to more docs, and they put me on some big time anti-depressents, four of them (which I'm still on). For the next 6 weeks, I was in therapy for 6 hours a day, every weekday. Started out in group, which at first I hated, but eventually I got over being mad and let myself start to get better. I also started to go to a private therapist weekly, which I did for about a year.
    (How's that for a run-on paragraph?)

    I'm not 100% yet, but my good days out number my bad days by 4 to 1 at this point. I'm taking a break from my therapist right now. We kind of ran out of things to talk about so I'm now only supposed to make an appt when I need to, which has probably been too long now.

    I guess the main point in this ramble is to say, TRF, that you aren't alone. It may feel like it, but you're not. And things can and do get better, it just takes time.
    "But I do know Joey's sister indirectly (or foster sister) and I have heard stories of Joey being into shopping, designer wear, fancy coffees, and pedicures."

  10. #99
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    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    Quote Originally Posted by TRF View Post
    i know the quick fix wont work, wont last. i know. it hurts though.

    my moving out tomorrow is a sham. i have nowhere to go. i'll be sleeping at therest area outside amarillo. something i did in my late teens too. i'll see my daughter everyday as i pick her up from school. hopefully i have enough for a place may 1, but because we were so far behind on the house payment, getting caught up put me at $600 OD. my friends, have vanished knowing i need a place to crash. some friends.

    ah well, it is what it is.
    I know around Charleston, WV there's a mens shelters who's sole purpose is to give people a stable place while they build/rebuild. I don't know about Amarillo maybe look online, it's not ideal but at least you'd likely have a stable place of residence with some comforts. Keep your head up it will take time.
    Quote Originally Posted by moewan View Post
    Barmaid to patron "Sir you are slurring, I am going to have to cut you off"

    Patron to barmaid "I'm not slurring, I'm speaking in cursive"


  11. #100
    Vavasor TRF's Avatar
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    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    Quote Originally Posted by Raisor View Post
    25 months ago I was two days away from killing myself. I was on "vacation" from work, which at the time meant I was working 70 hours that week instead of 90. Couldn't let it go. Stuff had been building up since I was a kid, but the stress from the job was the stresser that set me off. From Jan of that year to March I had lost about 35 lbs, just because I wasn't eating at all, well, not more then a few bites here and there. I was working until 11 or 12 at night and waking up at 5 to start working again. Had to take sleeping pills to get any sleep and then had to freebase coffee to wake up. I stopped taking care of myself, was only showering a couple times a week, my hair had grown out to unacceptable work lengths and I stopped shaving. Looked like a patchy Johnny Damon from his cave man days. My wife, of course, knew there was something wrong. So did my mom and dad. They were hoping I'd catch a breather during my "vacation", but instead I kept working. Mom and the wife got together and made me go to my primary care phys, who I'd never been to, but he was on my plan at the time. Within five minutes of going into the little room, I was telling her that I wanted to kill myself and was planning how I was going to do it. The pcp (she was actually a nurse pract), had me call the wife in and I repeated what I had said to her. While she knew I was bad, she didn't know how bad. They then got together and came up with a plan where I checked myself into a mental health rehab center as a day patient (didn't have to stay overnight, thank God, though I probably should have). Got to talk to more docs, and they put me on some big time anti-depressents, four of them (which I'm still on). For the next 6 weeks, I was in therapy for 6 hours a day, every weekday. Started out in group, which at first I hated, but eventually I got over being mad and let myself start to get better. I also started to go to a private therapist weekly, which I did for about a year.
    (How's that for a run-on paragraph?)

    I'm not 100% yet, but my good days out number my bad days by 4 to 1 at this point. I'm taking a break from my therapist right now. We kind of ran out of things to talk about so I'm now only supposed to make an appt when I need to, which has probably been too long now.

    I guess the main point in this ramble is to say, TRF, that you aren't alone. It may feel like it, but you're not. And things can and do get better, it just takes time.
    phil, wow. i wish i knew. you've been one of my best friends on here, and i just wish i knew that.

    just texted back and forth with Connie. i'm leaving in the morning. i have no place to go, but my daughter needs and misses her mom. so i am doing this for her. for Connie too. she needs her kids. i told her i am staying with a friend, but the truth is i dont have any. probably go to the shelter or sleep at the rest area. which is fine. because i want to do this, for all of them.

    and that is the first time i thought of anyone but myself in weeks.
    Suck it up cupcake.

  12. #101
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    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    You're not losing your family, TRF. It might not be as conventional but its still a family... there are plenty of healthy divorced families out there. Growing up I just had my mother (never met my dad) and while I might have missed out on some things, my Mom did a fantastic job raising me... continue to be a good dad to your kids and make that your priority in life. It might feel like your life has been blown apart but what goes up must come down... gradually the pieces of your life will fall back into place.

  13. #102
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    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    Quote Originally Posted by TeamSelig View Post
    You're not losing your family, TRF. It might not be as conventional but its still a family... there are plenty of healthy divorced families out there. Growing up I just had my mother (never met my dad) and while I might have missed out on some things, my Mom did a fantastic job raising me... continue to be a good dad to your kids and make that your priority in life. It might feel like your life has been blown apart but what goes up must come down... gradually the pieces of your life will fall back into place.
    My dad was divorced before he married my mom and he had a son from the first marriage who came over every weekend, my dad always went to his games, and was just as involved even though his mom had custody the majority of the time.
    Quote Originally Posted by moewan View Post
    Barmaid to patron "Sir you are slurring, I am going to have to cut you off"

    Patron to barmaid "I'm not slurring, I'm speaking in cursive"


  14. #103
    Vavasor TRF's Avatar
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    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    Day two on pristiq. Edge is lessened. No longer feel like weeping all the time. Wish I had done it sooner. Moving out today. My little girl is very sad. I'm worried about her.
    Suck it up cupcake.

  15. #104
    Vavasor TRF's Avatar
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    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    Connie came over. Wants to discuss separation of assets.

    I tried. But it was too late. What is the point? On meds that make me thirsty all the time. Still can't find happiness, but I get my daughter half the time. Half!

    I'm so pissed. I get to be homeless for the next six weeks. My daughter needs her. And she needs Emily. How messed up is that, I still care what she needs.
    Suck it up cupcake.

  16. #105
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    Re: How i screwed everything up.

    TRF,

    I know it's difficult and I forget if you have mentioned it, but I would strongly advise talking to an attorney if you haven't already.


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