Tough year.
At the beginning of the year i seemed content. Sitting on my couch wathing life go by. And it did. In what seemed so quick was actually months even years in the making. I lost everything. My wife left me, my kids no longer cared to know me. I was coasting through each day at work, often doing nothing at all. I gained 30 pounds from the previous year. When my wife left me I couldn't accept it. I didn't eat or sleep for over a week. Literally. On the day of my daughter's dance recital I was so out of it that ending my life seemed the only logical thing to do. The police, my friends and my wife found me in a park passed out, unable to stand.
I spent a week in the hospital under "observation". I'd love to crack wise and say i don't recommend it, lousy beds, but that just isn't the truth. Those people saved my life.
In the weeks after I was released I started on the path to change. I started living life instead of watching it. I played with my daughter every day i could. I had lunch with my oldest two kids. I talked daily at times with savafan, and Brisco, two great guys from this forum.
Just after the 4th of July, My wife wanted me to come home. We went to therapy together, my therapist from my time as a guest of the state. Things got better, for a time, then worse. Then much worse. And then my wife says she has found a miracle... A belief in god. A belief she is embracing.
It isn't a belief i share, and I'm... wary. But I am hopeful. She's more at peace now than at any other time of our nearly 18 years of marriage. I'm happy she has found something like this, but it isn't for me. My belief is in me. And I am struggling right now. I struggle with what has happened. I struggle with the decisions my oldest is making, the decisions my son is making, and the decisions my youngest, 13 years old and my baby girl as she will be entering High School in 2012 will be making.
I don't have a lot of friends. In fact, I can say I no longer really have any. It was my choice when i retreated from life. I don't go out. But I don't believe I just sit and watch life anymore. I do have interests. I hang with my youngest and talk, play games and cook. But I'm teetering at times. I can see myself back in the same place. I need something that is for me. I just don't know what that is.
Now on the first day of 2012, I find myself looking forward to see what the next 12 months holds for me. 2 1/2 months away from softball season. I'm 43, and we don't have a senior league here, so only a few seasons left for me. Do I spend another year at home doing nothing? How do I turn thoughts into actions? Do I finally allow myself to forgive my wife? If so, how?
After I got out of the hospital, and even before I went in, I was deluged with support from this board. I have kept every message, some of which were so personal, and so touching, that saying thank you for sharing and caring seems like it is not nearly enough. It was a light blasted in front of me helping to wipe out the darkness.
Thank you.
Here is to 2012... may it be a damn sight better than 2011. And whatever you believe, I hope your year is filled with joy and peace.
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