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Thread: My friend is getting engaged too soon... what do I do?

  1. #16
    Maple SERP savafan's Avatar
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    Re: My friend is getting engaged too soon... what do I do?

    Quote Originally Posted by Joseph View Post
    If he's your friend, be there for him for this, and be there for him if it fails. Don't offer advice though unless he asks for it. You can't do a lot for him except anger him if you indicate you are anything but supportive.
    I would agree with this. I've been in this situation more than once. Hell, I've also caused this situation more than once. If I've learned anything from those collected experiences, it's what Joseph said above.
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  3. #17
    Stat Wanker Hodiernus RedsManRick's Avatar
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    Re: My friend is getting engaged too soon... what do I do?

    When is the wedding? Engaged doesn't equal married. I've known people who ended up being engaged longer than they had dated.
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    Churlish Johnny Footstool's Avatar
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    Re: My friend is getting engaged too soon... what do I do?

    Quote Originally Posted by Homer Bailey View Post
    I've never had a problem with her, but I barely know her.

    This is one of, if not my closest friends.
    How is it that you barely know the girl your closest friend has been living with for 6 months?

    Doesn't she spend time with you guys when you're hanging out together? That sounds kind of odd to me.
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  5. #19
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    Re: My friend is getting engaged too soon... what do I do?

    Tell him to run.
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  6. #20
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    Re: My friend is getting engaged too soon... what do I do?

    Stay out of it. He isn't going to listen to you anyway. Even if he isn't immediately mad at you, he'll eventually tell her whatever you might say and she'll essentially cut you off from him.

  7. #21
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    Re: My friend is getting engaged too soon... what do I do?

    I got engaged and married way too soon. Marriage has been a struggle. No telling how I would have reacted if a friend would have told me not to go through with it, but I wish someone would have. Does that make any sense?
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  8. #22
    They call me "chef"
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    Re: My friend is getting engaged too soon... what do I do?

    The basic instinct of wanting to look after your friend is good but the attachment/obsession/involvement of needing to "stop" his engagement is probably not the healthiest. Do you have a romantic relationship? If so, maybe put that energy into you and your girlfriend and let him have his own relationship.

    Everyone is entitled to their own free will and to their own mistakes. If his fiance is so terrible and the decision is so awful then let it happen and dissolve on its own. If you stick your hand in the quagmire now you are opening the possibility of YOU being blamed for why it all went south. Let your friend have his "doomed" relationship. He will never look back and say "Why didn't you break up my relationship like a good friend?" and be upset at you for it so respect his ability to make his own choices and don't be a third party in his romantic life.
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  9. #23
    I'm gettin paper Homer Bailey's Avatar
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    Re: My friend is getting engaged too soon... what do I do?

    Quote Originally Posted by Johnny Footstool View Post
    How is it that you barely know the girl your closest friend has been living with for 6 months?

    Doesn't she spend time with you guys when you're hanging out together? That sounds kind of odd to me.
    I've known him since we were 10, and we now work together. I don't know her well because I don't see him much outside of work anymore unless we're golfing, and it's because he's ALWAYS with her.


    And thank you everyone for all of your responses. I sincerely appreciate it.

    I understand the "when you know, you know" crowd. I just don't trust his ability to actually know whether what he feels is real, or if its what he wants to feel. That being said, that isn't for me to determine, and there is no way of really knowing.

    The easy thing to do is just to go along with it. The more and more I discuss this with my friends, the more "IS HE INSANE" reactions I keep getting. He also just informed me he's probably moving southeast in 8 months or so when his lease is up, 3 months after I just got him a job at my firm. I just don't think he's acting rationally.

    I dated a girl for two years that my friends didn't like, and never had the guts to tell me. I was blinded from it because I thought I was in love. It wasn't until after we broke up that my friends told me how awful they thought she was, and I thought to myself that I wish I would have heard what they had to say when we were dating. However, I know I wouldn't have done anything about it. That relationship couldn't have ended in a more publicly humiliating way (for those of you that know me, you know what I mean).

    Most of you that said it isn't my place to intervene are right. He's a big boy, and gotta make his own decisions. I just don't know how I can bite my tongue and play along that I think this is a good idea.

    Thanks again everyone.

  10. #24
    The Boss dougdirt's Avatar
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    Re: My friend is getting engaged too soon... what do I do?

    Quote Originally Posted by Homer Bailey View Post

    I dated a girl for two years that my friends didn't like, and never had the guts to tell me. I was blinded from it because I thought I was in love. It wasn't until after we broke up that my friends told me how awful they thought she was, and I thought to myself that I wish I would have heard what they had to say when we were dating. However, I know I wouldn't have done anything about it. That relationship couldn't have ended in a more publicly humiliating way (for those of you that know me, you know what I mean).

    Most of you that said it isn't my place to intervene are right. He's a big boy, and gotta make his own decisions. I just don't know how I can bite my tongue and play along that I think this is a good idea.

    Thanks again everyone.
    I have to ask though, do you not like this girl, or do you just not like that he is moving so quickly? I read into it earlier that you didn't have a problem with the girl (granted you also claim you don't know her too well, but don't have any issues with her as far as you know). If that is the case, you dating someone your friends didn't like and this are two entirely different situations. It seemed that you were dating a crappy person, where as he isn't (that you know of at least).

    I had two good friends get together a few years ago who were terrible for each other. They wound up getting married and are now not living together. Everyone and their mother told them it was a bad idea. They didn't listen, because when you are in love, you don't care what other people think about it. That is just how it works. Even in hindsight you can wish someone had told you, but if we are all being honest with ourselves, we know that we wouldn't have truly listened and followed through with the advice they offered.

    Unless you have a reason to believe that this girl is truly bad news, then I would highly suggest staying out of it. Them moving too fast isn't bad news. Her being a terrible person is. If she isn't a terrible person, just wish him the best of luck.

  11. #25
    We Need Our Myths reds1869's Avatar
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    Re: My friend is getting engaged too soon... what do I do?

    Quote Originally Posted by RedsManRick View Post
    When is the wedding? Engaged doesn't equal married. I've known people who ended up being engaged longer than they had dated.
    That was certainly my situation. My wife and I were engaged for three and a half years after dating for a year. I think the long engagement was a very good thing and we've been happily married for eleven years now.

  12. #26
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    Re: My friend is getting engaged too soon... what do I do?

    I would just tell him straight up that you think it is a bad idea, he is moving too fast, etc. but make sure to add that as a friend, you feel responsible to let him know how you feel about it. Then let him know that you have his support if he does go through with it.

    If you are stern about your disapproval, he is just going to get pissed at you and there will be a bunch of drama. Just let him know how you feel and that you are still by his side.

    I honestly doubt any guy who is in love with a girl is going to listen to a friend that tells him they are moving too fast, etc.

  13. #27
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    Re: My friend is getting engaged too soon... what do I do?

    Quote Originally Posted by TeamSelig View Post
    I would just tell him straight up that you think it is a bad idea, he is moving too fast, etc. but make sure to add that as a friend, you feel responsible to let him know how you feel about it. Then let him know that you have his support if he does go through with it.

    If you are stern about your disapproval, he is just going to get pissed at you and there will be a bunch of drama. Just let him know how you feel and that you are still by his side.

    I honestly doubt any guy who is in love with a girl is going to listen to a friend that tells him they are moving too fast, etc.
    I agree with this. Especially emphasizing that you're there for him regardless. Also emphasize this isn't an issue with the soon to be fiance(even if it is) rather a concern over moving too fast. Essentially make sure that he's doing this because he truly wants to. And if he is, tell him he has your support.
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  14. #28
    Five Tool Fool jojo's Avatar
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    Re: My friend is getting engaged too soon... what do I do?

    My wife and I were married a little over 9 months after we met and are currently on year 18....

    The obvious default position is that this situation isn't ideal. As with all opinions though, get all of the facts before forming a conclusion. My advice, spend time with the two of them and see for yourself if they are a good match personality-wise, philosophy-wise, goal-wise....
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  15. #29
    We Need Our Myths reds1869's Avatar
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    Re: My friend is getting engaged too soon... what do I do?

    Quote Originally Posted by jojo View Post
    My wife and I were married a little over 9 months after we met and are currently on year 18....

    The obvious default position is that this situation isn't ideal. As with all opinions though, get all of the facts before forming a conclusion. My advice, spend time with the two of them and see for yourself if they are a good match personality-wise, philosophy-wise, goal-wise....
    I think that is the key. In all honesty my wife and I knew we were made for each other within days. We started talking marriage within a few months. It still took a long time for us to get married, but that was because we wanted to graduate from college before tying the knot. My college roommate married a girl he had only known six months and they are on year ten.

  16. #30
    I'm gettin paper Homer Bailey's Avatar
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    Re: My friend is getting engaged too soon... what do I do?

    Quote Originally Posted by dougdirt View Post
    I have to ask though, do you not like this girl, or do you just not like that he is moving so quickly? I read into it earlier that you didn't have a problem with the girl (granted you also claim you don't know her too well, but don't have any issues with her as far as you know). If that is the case, you dating someone your friends didn't like and this are two entirely different situations. It seemed that you were dating a crappy person, where as he isn't (that you know of at least).

    I had two good friends get together a few years ago who were terrible for each other. They wound up getting married and are now not living together. Everyone and their mother told them it was a bad idea. They didn't listen, because when you are in love, you don't care what other people think about it. That is just how it works. Even in hindsight you can wish someone had told you, but if we are all being honest with ourselves, we know that we wouldn't have truly listened and followed through with the advice they offered.

    Unless you have a reason to believe that this girl is truly bad news, then I would highly suggest staying out of it. Them moving too fast isn't bad news. Her being a terrible person is. If she isn't a terrible person, just wish him the best of luck.
    I don't know the girl well enough to form an opinion. I know three people that went to high school with her, and they all strongly say that she's horrible. Another one of our friends met her and did not like her.

    The only thing I have a problem with is the haste, especially with what he went through with his previous girlfriend cheating on him. His older sister also got married to a guy very quickly (at around the age of 24), and she was divorced 10 months later.

    For all I know, they may be perfect for each other, and have a lifetime of happiness. I just think he's being hasty, and not thinking clearly.


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