My friend is getting engaged too soon... what do I do?

[Homer Bailey]

A friend mine just told me he is meeting with a jeweler this weekend to get a ring for his girlfriend..... that he's known for less than 9 months. They're both 25 years old. They moved in together after knowing each other for 3 months. He gets this way with girls though, and falls wayyy too fast. He had a girlfriend for over 3 years that he walked in on with another man. Some of my friends went to high school with this girl, and they STRONGLY dislike this girl. I've never had a problem with her, but I barely know her.

This is one of, if not my closest friends. I'll absolutely be in the wedding. If I say something to him about him obviously rushing into this, it could forever damage our friendship, no? If I just ignore what I'm thinking, am I being a true friend? I'm in a real bind here, and I basically get the shoulder shrug from my other friends that I ask. No one else can believe how fast this is happening, but no one has a good answer for me.

And for the two people on this board that know me in person, you probably don't know this guy, but please don't mention anything about it to anyone. I'd like to keep this anonymous.

[Patrick Bateman]

They way I would phrase, and obviously don't do it in a confrontational manner, but rather more devil's advocate is, "what is there to gain by getting married now, rather than say, a year from now"?.

If they are that crazy for each other, advise that there is nothing to be gained by doing it fast, that she will be just as available for him a year from now with an extra year of sample size available to analyze the relationship.

[BuckeyeRed27]

I'm not sure there is a lot you can do. I wouldn't be direct about it because that will just make his resolve stronger. You have to get him to realize this is a bad idea and that he thought of it. You said you don't know much about her, so maybe go drinking with him and just talk about her a lot and see if you can get him to talk about things he doesn't like about her and then drill down on that. Good luck.

[Joseph]

If he's your friend, be there for him for this, and be there for him if it fails. Don't offer advice though unless he asks for it. You can't do a lot for him except anger him if you indicate you are anything but supportive.

[Homer Bailey]

Originally Posted by Patrick Bateman

They way I would phrase, and obviously don't do it in a confrontational manner, but rather more devil's advocate is, "what is there to gain by getting married now, rather than say, a year from now"?.

If they are that crazy for each other, advise that there is nothing to be gained by doing it fast, that she will be just as available for him a year from now with an extra year of sample size available to analyze the relationship.

Yep, I've tried that with him already, and his response was "When you know, you know."

Originally Posted by BuckeyeRed27

I'm not sure there is a lot you can do. I wouldn't be direct about it because that will just make his resolve stronger. You have to get him to realize this is a bad idea and that he thought of it. You said you don't know much about her, so maybe go drinking with him and just talk about her a lot and see if you can get him to talk about things he doesn't like about her and then drill down on that. Good luck.

I tried to talk to him about moving in with her too fast a few months ago (based on a bad experience I had), so he's very aware of where I stand on this unfortunately.


I should have also added that he thinks this girl is absolutely gorgeous, and she's probably a 6. I don't consider this a negative, because if she's a 10 to him that's all that matters I guess, but I think he's trying to talk himself into it more and more, and I just don't get it.

[Homer Bailey]

Originally Posted by Joseph

If he's your friend, be there for him for this, and be there for him if it fails. Don't offer advice though unless he asks for it. You can't do a lot for him except anger him if you indicate you are anything but supportive.

Part of me feels that way, but part of me feels the duty of a friend to tell him how I truly feel. I'm back and forth on this on a daily basis.

But you're right, I probably shouldn't give my advice unless asked for it, and he hasn't asked me for it (although he did mention at one point that he may want to borrow money for this, which he is no longer considering).

[BuckeyeRed27]

What do the parents think?

[Reds4Life]

Originally Posted by Homer Bailey

I should have also added that he thinks this girl is absolutely gorgeous, and she's probably a 6. I don't consider this a negative, because if she's a 10 to him that's all that matters I guess, but I think he's trying to talk himself into it more and more, and I just don't get it.

This part really doesn't matter, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I have met plenty of "10's" that are downright awful people.

Honestly, your friend sounds very desperate. If he goes through with this, talk him into getting a strong prenup. If she won't sign it, he needs to run. Unless, of course, he wants to lose at least half of his assets, and possibly a nice chunk of his future income for the rest of his life.

[Caveat Emperor]

In every bad relationship I've ever had, I wish one of my friends would've set me straight and told me "This girl is bad news" or "This isn't going to end well."

But, if I'm honest, I know that I'd have never listened to them and resented them for interfering with my happiness at the time.

Love is just one of those things that you have to watch as other people step into it.

[dougdirt]

Originally Posted by Caveat Emperor

In every bad relationship I've ever had, I wish one of my friends would've set me straight and told me "This girl is bad news" or "This isn't going to end well."

Of course I think we would all agree here, but as HB has said, he doesn't see anything wrong with this girl, just that his friend seems to be moving too quickly.

I will agree that when you know, you know. So maybe he just knows.

To second what CE said though, even if someone had said something, he isn't going to listen. You simply don't know, nor will you ever know, how he feels or how they are together aside from when you are also with them, which given that they live together, is less than 1% of the time they are together.

[IslandRed]

If you believe he genuinely doesn't know what he's doing, or that the girl is destined to rip the heart out of anyone unlucky enough to marry her, or he's acting out of insecurity more so than love, then your concern is understandable. I suppose it also matters whether this is solely his idea or if she's been dropping hints, and if the latter, would he be proposing if not for the knowledge that she's expecting it...

I might take the devil's advocate position about "way too fast," though. They're 25. That's not too young to get married. At the very least, they ought to have formed at least a solid working knowledge of what they want in a marriage partner. And based on your timetable, they've had three months of dating followed by six months of living together. It's not a lot, but it's more boots-on-the-ground courting time than was spent by a lot of people who have had very long, happy marriages. If it's one of those relationships that's been just right since day one, it may well be enough time to feel sure. Of course, life has no guarantees.

[Redhook]

Hopefully, they won't set a wedding date for awhile. At least a year from now. By then, he'll have been with her for close to 2 years. If he still wants to marry her by then, after all the wedding planning, then she may be the one. On the flip side, if he's looking to get married this spring then he could be in a for a rough ride. And, unfortunately, there's not much you can do.

[SunDeck]

I fell in love with my wife the day I met her. Been married twenty years. When you know, you know, even if it's going to turn out bad. What I'm saying is there isn't much you can do to change your friend's mind. Just about all my college friends have married now and in most cases our group of friends had a feeling for whether the marriages would work. We were right about half the time.

If you have a bad feeling about it, by all means bring it up, but I confess I can't recommend a way that could be any better than just telling him what you really think. If you guys are good friends, there has to be a way to do it without having it blow up.

[edabbs44]

Originally Posted by Homer Bailey

Part of me feels that way, but part of me feels the duty of a friend to tell him how I truly feel. I'm back and forth on this on a daily basis.

But you're right, I probably shouldn't give my advice unless asked for it, and he hasn't asked me for it (although he did mention at one point that he may want to borrow money for this, which he is no longer considering).

I would let it go. It is a tough situation however, unless there is a real reason to intervene, then your friend is a big boy and can make his own decisions.

[foxfire123]

Well, I can't say anything about the length of time deal--I met my hubby in september, got engaged at Thanksgiving, and married the following march. 18 years later the rest of the family is still waiting for that baby that was supposed to be the cause of that quickie wedding! lol!

That being said, the best advice I would give you is stay out of it. I know it's hard, you care about your friend and don't want to see him hurt, but he's going to see it as jealousy and interference on your part if you try and intercede. Just be there for him if it does go south.

As for her old high school friends, some people change a great deal from the person they were in high school--some grow up and become better adults, others stay stagnant and never become more than they were in school. I know that myself, I have little to nothing to do with 99% of the people I knew in high school. I'm not the same person I was then. I like the Me I am now much, much better.