Fertility Discussion (medical stuff)

[RedTeamGo!]

This is an awkward subject, but I can't speak with family and friends about this because we are keeping it a secret and I would like to talk to someone about this that has experienced this type of situation.

My wife and I were/are about to start trying. She went to the doctor and found out her testosterone is too high, she is going back Monday to see what we can do/the next steps.

I have read online that this often makes it difficult to become pregnant. I have been reading about Clomiphene being taken which has helped 75% of women become pregnant. Has anyone experienced this situation? Are we freaking out too much about this?

Sorry if this subject is uncomfortable for anyone, also if I have been cranky the last couple of days, not handling this well (trying to be strong in front of my wife though).

Thanks in advance,

Mike

[Sea Ray]

This is an awkward subject, but I can't speak with family and friends about this because we are keeping it a secret and I would like to talk to someone about this that has experienced this type of situation.

My wife and I were/are about to start trying. She went to the doctor and found out her testosterone is too high, she is going back Monday to see what we can do/the next steps.

I have read online that this often makes it difficult to become pregnant. I have been reading about Clomiphene being taken which has helped 75% of women become pregnant. Has anyone experienced this situation? Are we freaking out too much about this?

Sorry if this subject is uncomfortable for anyone, also if I have been cranky the last couple of days, not handling this well (trying to be strong in front of my wife though).

Thanks in advance,

Mike

I've got experience with it. I've sent you a PM

[medford]

I imagine each case is different. My wife struggled to get pregnant with both of our kids, then ironically (or sadly) got pregnant with our third (that was eventually stillborn) when we least expected it and certainly weren't "trying" to get pregnant, just being a normal man/wife.

1st, I can't speak about the high testosterone issue that your wife is having. My wife's issues are different, but there is nothing about her that specifically makes it tougher, just is. I'd take whatever advice your doctor has.

2nd, its an emotional rollercoaster, especially for her. Mother nature will give her a new emotional low every month as a cruel reminder that your attempts have failed. There will be rocky days for both of you and times you feel like "giving up" and the task becomes a "chore"

3rd, talk about it with your friends and family. You'll be amazed how many other people that you know have had issues getting pregnant. From practical advice to different doctors/techniques to consult to emotional support. The larger your base, the more information you can gather. I'd have to remove both shoes and a couple of friends shoes if I wanted to count on fingers and toes all of the people that I've know that have had difficulty getting pregnant and/or carrying a baby to terms. Its not an easy subject to talk about with somebody that has no experience in that area, but sometimes you'll find a friend of a friend who experienced something similar and might have some advice. Yes the friends/family can get annoying if they ask you every week how "things are going" but have no real advice to pass along, but just know that they ask because they care and on the plus side they may have a nugget of advice or someone to talk to that can help you thru the process.

4th, get your self mentally prepared for the "catch and release" program as I called it. Its awkward and a bit strange, perhaps you won't even have to go thru that, but know that at the end of the day, if your wife successfully becomes pregnant, there is nothing, and I mean nothing that can top the birth of your child. It is an absolutely breathtaking experience. If your lucky enough to get to that point, it more than makes up for all of the emotional struggles it takes to get there.

Good luck, it can be a long hard road. It took us over a year for my wife to get pregnant with our first 2 children, and I'd consider that a breeze compared to some of the other people that I've known. Hopefully everything works out in the end. Seek as much advice as you can, both physically and emotionally.

[Sea Ray]

2nd, its an emotional rollercoaster, especially for her. Mother nature will give her a new emotional low every month as a cruel reminder that your attempts have failed. There will be rocky days for both of you and times you feel like "giving up" and the task becomes a "chore"

I'll say! My wife got panicky that she might have to live her entire life with me...just me and no buffer...

It wasn't such a big deal to me. I knew I could have a happy life with or without kids

[mole44]

4th, get your self mentally prepared for the "catch and release" program as I called it. Its awkward and a bit strange, perhaps you won't even have to go thru that, but know that at the end of the day, if your wife successfully becomes pregnant, there is nothing, and I mean nothing that can top the birth of your child. It is an absolutely breathtaking experience. If your lucky enough to get to that point, it more than makes up for all of the emotional struggles it takes to get there.

I just wanted to second this. My daughter was born 12 days ago and it was the most amazing experience I have ever gone through. Hopefully you and your wife have a little luck on your side and you get there as well because once it happens, you'll forget all of the struggles.

[RedTeamGo!]

I imagine each case is different. My wife struggled to get pregnant with both of our kids, then ironically (or sadly) got pregnant with our third (that was eventually stillborn) when we least expected it and certainly weren't "trying" to get pregnant, just being a normal man/wife.

1st, I can't speak about the high testosterone issue that your wife is having. My wife's issues are different, but there is nothing about her that specifically makes it tougher, just is. I'd take whatever advice your doctor has.

2nd, its an emotional rollercoaster, especially for her. Mother nature will give her a new emotional low every month as a cruel reminder that your attempts have failed. There will be rocky days for both of you and times you feel like "giving up" and the task becomes a "chore"

3rd, talk about it with your friends and family. You'll be amazed how many other people that you know have had issues getting pregnant. From practical advice to different doctors/techniques to consult to emotional support. The larger your base, the more information you can gather. I'd have to remove both shoes and a couple of friends shoes if I wanted to count on fingers and toes all of the people that I've know that have had difficulty getting pregnant and/or carrying a baby to terms. Its not an easy subject to talk about with somebody that has no experience in that area, but sometimes you'll find a friend of a friend who experienced something similar and might have some advice. Yes the friends/family can get annoying if they ask you every week how "things are going" but have no real advice to pass along, but just know that they ask because they care and on the plus side they may have a nugget of advice or someone to talk to that can help you thru the process.

4th, get your self mentally prepared for the "catch and release" program as I called it. Its awkward and a bit strange, perhaps you won't even have to go thru that, but know that at the end of the day, if your wife successfully becomes pregnant, there is nothing, and I mean nothing that can top the birth of your child. It is an absolutely breathtaking experience. If your lucky enough to get to that point, it more than makes up for all of the emotional struggles it takes to get there.

Good luck, it can be a long hard road. It took us over a year for my wife to get pregnant with our first 2 children, and I'd consider that a breeze compared to some of the other people that I've known. Hopefully everything works out in the end. Seek as much advice as you can, both physically and emotionally.

First - thank you very much for your response. Settled me down quite a bit, and I do have to remember a lot of people go through this, even if I am unaware of it.

Second - what do you mean by "catch and release?" I do not really understand the reference.

[OldRightHander]

We tried for years with no success and now we're kind of past the age. I can't say I've really come completely at peace with it, especially when I see people having kids and then mistreating them. It's not easy.

[medford]

"catch and release" is the program where you go into a room with a bunch of lets say magazine and videos, you make a deposit into a receptacle, then about an hour later, they release your "catch" into your wife....... I assume you get it now. Its awkard, at least mentally, just know that every guy there is as equally akwarded about it as you are. You may not have to go thru that process depending on your situation. My wife situation made it a doctor recommendation. At some point they'll likely want to test you, so you'll have to do regardless to rule you out as a potential problem (its pretty rare that the guy is the problem, but its the easiest test they can perform, so its done early before moving on to other things)

Now to add a little humor, it would have made for a great episode of Seinfeld, because at first, I made the mistake (and later noticed many other hopeful fathers of doing the same). I walked into the fertility doctor's offices at the Kettering Medical Center and the waiting room is just huge, big lush chairs, a couple of big nice circular tables, TVs mounted on several walls, magazines stacked up nice, etc... basically its the nicest waiting room I've ever been in. So when you go up to the counter, they politely tell you that you have to go down the hall, the room you are suppose to go to is a couple doors down. So you leave, go around the corner and a couple of doors down at the end of the hall is the "guys room". The waiting room was roughly 4'x6' (maybe) a couple of hard back chairs like you'd see at a school assembly, 2 or 3 magazines lying around untouched for a decade, no TV, a no fuse nurse on the other side of the counter who may or may not be there when you walk in, meaning you have to stand there w/ probably 1 or 2 other people waiting their "turn"...finally your turn comes and your handed a cup you know what was happening in the room before you, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Funny to look back upon, just know that your not alone if/when you have to go that route.

[RedTeamGo!]

Was told I should not give any input because it's "not my body" last night and I need to be more "sensitive."

I literally got home and said "I read online the clomid medicine is only $10-$20" and just got totally destroyed.

This is going to be fun.

[Sea Ray]

Was told I should not give any input because it's "not my body" last night and I need to be more "sensitive."

I literally got home and said "I read online the clomid medicine is only $10-$20" and just got totally destroyed.

This is going to be fun.

God help you...

You need to tell her that you understand it's her body and all. You're just trying to help because like it or not you're both in this together. Remind her you're on her team. You're not her adversary.

Just curious, what was her issue with you saying that the Clomid was $10-20?

[mdccclxix]

It is easy to believe you can control getting pregnant, but it's a numbers game in the end. And not even the specialists hold all the cards, you find out.

It's all happening inside the woman and there is actually a lot that can happen that would explain why you're not getting pregnant that no one will ever have access to. It makes it puzzling and frustrating, and like medford said, especially for the woman. Listen to the experts. Educate yourself, but rely on the experts and your wife's preferences.

I think the majority of women grow up thinking that they will definitely be able to have a baby, and of course the whole thing is idealized - the baby, the baby clothes, the sacrifice, the authority. When a woman is ready to have a baby, they are really ready! Anything that impedes this progression in life is really, really emotional and even intellectually challenging. What does it all mean!

I recommend staying positive for her, upbeat about the chances, get'm next time, etc. It's essentially all you can do. She may ask "what makes you so sure!" Ya gotta believe.

It will also be hard for you to accept over time, if you start believing in 2 years it will never happen, for example. But every month for her will be a roller coaster.

We've been trying since 2008 and have had one boy in 2011, one miscarriage in 2012, one surgery to alter the uterus for optimal space in 2013, lots of fertility medicine, lots of diet and natural herbs, lots of doctor visits, lots of money, and our 2nd one is due in 2 weeks needing a c-section.

Nothing's been easy!

But I can say, my wife's handled all of it at her own pace. I could only offer positive thoughts and a patient listening ear. And that still didn't keep me clear of her cross hairs at certain times! That's life!

[REDREAD]

Was told I should not give any input because it's "not my body" last night and I need to be more "sensitive."

I literally got home and said "I read online the clomid medicine is only $10-$20" and just got totally destroyed.

This is going to be fun.

Sounds similiar to my experience.
IT took us a long time to get pregnant the first time.
Not sure why, but I expect a large part of it was due to the wife stressing out. (But as pointed out, I'm not a doctor lol)
Honestly, it was pure hell.. took about a year to get pregnant. Wife in a horrible mood the entire time.
Wish I could give you advice. The good news is that after the first pregnancy, the later ones were much easier, she was more calm.

I don't know, I guess send her to the doctors, let her work out "her body" stuff and try to avoid talking about it? Kind of hard to help or support someone that doesn't want it.

[RedTeamGo!]

Yep, this is just the opening act, I cannot imagine this for a whole year, honestly would probably just rather not have children.

She went on this long rant about how we cannot afford fertility medicine (we can) and blah blah blah.

This morning I texted her and said "hey, how about we go home to Toledo and I can work with my dad all weekend (plumbing/drain cleaning business) and we can put that towards our credit cards?"

That got turned into me being selfish. No clue how, but me wanting to sacrifice my birthday weekend to literally work in human feces so we can pay off credit cards is being selfish.

The female brain is truly amazing.

[Dom Heffner]

Yep, this is just the opening act, I cannot imagine this for a whole year, honestly would probably just rather not have children.

She went on this long rant about how we cannot afford fertility medicine (we can) and blah blah blah.

This morning I texted her and said "hey, how about we go home to Toledo and I can work with my dad all weekend (plumbing/drain cleaning business) and we can put that towards our credit cards?"

That got turned into me being selfish. No clue how, but me wanting to sacrifice my birthday weekend to literally work in human feces so we can pay off credit cards is being selfish.

The female brain is truly amazing.

You are bringing back lots of memories (painful lol) and you have all our sympathies.

[REDREAD]

Yep, this is just the opening act, I cannot imagine this for a whole year, honestly would probably just rather not have children.

She went on this long rant about how we cannot afford fertility medicine (we can) and blah blah blah.

This morning I texted her and said "hey, how about we go home to Toledo and I can work with my dad all weekend (plumbing/drain cleaning business) and we can put that towards our credit cards?"

That got turned into me being selfish. No clue how, but me wanting to sacrifice my birthday weekend to literally work in human feces so we can pay off credit cards is being selfish.

The female brain is truly amazing.

Maybe I will be criticized for saying this, but women enter this state where they want to wallow in the drama of something big (in this case fertility problems) and do not want help solving the problem.
You are thinking like a logical male here.. ok, I will work extra to put money towards fertility treatments.
She's all emotional, just not just receptive to logic at this point.
Maybe I'm a bad husband, but when this stuff happens in my marriage, I just give her space until she calms down (or gets preggo, whatever comes first lol).
She's going to have to work out this emotional stuff on her own, offering to help is just inviting her to lash out on you again.. Wait until she reaches out to you, and realize that may never come. And don't bring it up anymore.

Oh, and I don't want to make you feel worse, but this is just the beginning.. Wait until you go to Lamazze and they scare her to death about birth.. You will be told as a husband to do all this "coaching" stuff during birth. Listen but be cautious.. In my experience, when a woman is giving birth, the last thing she wants is husband to hold her hand and remind her of breathing exercises lol.. Just be prepared to sit in a chair quietly during the whole birthing thing. And be prepared to get yelled at , no matter what you do lol

Whatever you do, step back and realize her crazy behavior has nothing to do with you. Thousands (if not billions) of men have done the same thing (approach this logically) and then gotten blasted by the woman.