Open letter to parents

[GAC]

I think some people get ideas for names after walking through the pharmacy....

"Hi, this is my daughter Tylenol, and my twin boys Advil and Motrin."

[vaticanplum]

And teach them how to speak to adults in a coherent, respectful, and polite fashion. And use Mr. and Mrs. (I think I'm in the minority on this though).

I still call everybody Mr. and Mrs. if they're not my direct equal in a work setting. I cannot get out of it. And I've never had a problem with questioning authority or that kind of thing, but this is one thing I guess was just drilled into me. It actually drives people nuts that they can't break me of it. It's a sign of the times, Roy; that's just how people are addressed these days.

I also can't get rid of ma'am or sir, and that I think comes from waitressing. I call the gas station attendant sir, I call everybody sir. It's ironic because I hate it when people call me ma'am, but I can't get out of this either.

I dunno about all this stuff...I'm no parent, but all my little cousins are very good kids and i think it's almost as much what they see as what they're taught. My aunts and uncles are respectful and considerate of each other, of other people, of the kids even. Kids pick up on that. they're well-disciplined too, I guess. Some of them have Italian names...would those be considered weird?

[James B.]

Ok, I am not the pefect parent, nor are my children perfect. Also, I don't expect anyone else to have perfect children because they are all...well...children.

Dear all parents of children less than 15 years old,

Here are some thoughts that have been on my mind for a while. Enjoy.

Because your children are hyper, unruly and disobediant does not mean they are "bright for their age". It means they are hyper, unruly and disobediant. And you are "slow for a parent". And because you can't controll them doesn't mean they are ADHD.

Your children are not the most precious resource on the planet. Air and water fill that role nicely. Nor are they fragile little beings. Resist the urge to protect them at all costs unless, of course, you plan to fight their battles for them when they are 54 year old.

The word "NO" will not harm your children in any way. In fact, not hearing "no" enough causes more harm. Give it a try a few times.

When you TELL your child to do something stop saying "Trevor please...." or "Hilliary please....". That's called asking. You are the parent, tell them what you want them to do/not do.

Self esteeme is not the holy grail.

Competition is not bad. You better get them used to it now. Their future boss thanks you.

Children will not die if they are not involved in 15 after school activities at once. One at a time will suffice. If you choose to haul Chance and Dakota to every last activity you forefit your right to complain about traffic, the price of gas or how you don't have enough family time.

Try words like grounded, punished, disciplined, taught a lesson and rebuked. Spanking is a good one also but I understand not everybody agrees with it. "Time out" is for football games not grooming children into adults.

If the school teacher punishes your child consider that the teacher may be right and your kid was out of line. Kids in school are generally monsters so chances are good your innocent little Chyanne needed to be disciplined.

Resturants are for eating not for your child to perform. If that were the case TGIF Fridays would have a stage.

Children should play. This involves injury, physical contact and a pretty good chance of something exploding. "Play dates" are chances for stay-at-home moms to hang out. Children do not need 24/7 supervision to perform what used to be called playing.

What happend to names like Mike, Bill, Sam, Mary, Sally, and Meg? Were they outlawed and I missed it?

As you prepare to delete this rant from your memory banks, try to store away this one little nugget. Your sole job as a parent is to prepare your children to be successfull adults. I am tired of having to pay the price because you found it easier to be little Dace's best friend instead of being a parent.

This is a great post.

[15fan]

Your children are not the most precious resource on the planet. Air and water fill that role nicely. Nor are they fragile little beings. Resist the urge to protect them at all costs unless, of course, you plan to fight their battles for them when they are 54 year old.

Resource? No. Not in the global sense.

But when my daughter is 54, I'll be 84. I'll need someone to change my Depends, wipe the drool from my chin, remind me to take my medicines, and make sure that I'm getting the care I need. That's where the kiddo comes in. It's the grand circle of life.

And though I'm certainly no developmental expert, it's unreal how much a child's personality, behaviors and understanding of the world are formed at such a young age.

The word "NO" will not harm your children in any way. In fact, not hearing "no" enough causes more harm. Give it a try a few times.

Believe me...there are plenty of emphatic Nos dished out in our house as well as in public.

When you TELL your child to do something stop saying "Trevor please...." or "Hilliary please....". That's called asking. You are the parent, tell them what you want them to do/not do.

It's an easy trap to fall into. Kids learn to answer "No" to just about any question at a pretty early age. So there are plenty of orders dished out in our house.

But the flip side is that little kids don't possess very advanced capabilities to reason. They learn a LOT by repetition. It's like math flash cards. You show the kid over and over and over and over that the proper way to speak is to say things like "please" and "thank you". Eventually it sinks in. If all you ever do is bark orders at your kid, you're going to end up with an adolescent or grownup who only knows how to bark orders back at the rest of society.

Self esteeme is not the holy grail.

But spelling is.

As you prepare to delete this rant from your memory banks, try to store away this one little nugget. Your sole job as a parent is to prepare your children to be successfull adults. I am tired of having to pay the price because you found it easier to be little Dace's best friend instead of being a parent.

That's fine. Just remember that at one point, each of us was a screaming 2 year old, a self-conscious 13 year-old, or a 7 year-old who just learned a tough life lesson the hard way. People were undoubtedly patient with you then, so try to play along with just a little flexibility. If you don't want the responsibility of being a parent, that's cool. It's not for everyone. But understand that in our own way, those of us who have chosen to perpetuate the species are giving it our best shot. Nothing, and I mean nothing in life is more intimidating than pulling out of the hospital parking lot with your first newborn in the backseat of the car with you. There is no warranty. There is no owner's manual. There is no 24 hour tech support or reset button. There are no trade-ins or weekends off as a parent. It's not like a 9 to 5 job where you can mentally check out when you walk out the door at 5pm. It's 24/7/365 until the day you die.

But it's also more rewarding and fulfilling than I could have ever imagined it to be.

[Red in Chicago]

1.) Whip

2.) Their

3.) Asses

i don't have any children, but that would be my mantra...it worked for my parents

have you ever noticed parents who give the kid the countdown to three...unfortunately, the kid has no fear of the parent, since they know nothing will ever happen after 2 1/2...i have no respect for the countdown...complete waste of time and energy

[bucksfan]

i don't have any children, but that would be my mantra...it worked for my parents

have you ever noticed parents who give the kid the countdown to three...unfortunately, the kid has no fear of the parent, since they know nothing will ever happen after 2 1/2...i have no respect for the countdown...complete waste of time and energy

We do that and it works just fine, thank you.

[BUTLER REDSFAN]

My soon to be 13 year old daughter asked me if she could make her own myspace page(I've heard a lot of bad things about it)I told her no....she hasnt talked to me now in 2 days...next time we hear about another kid getting raped/abducted/killed cause they were found on one of these sites i guess she'll understand then.

[TeamCasey]

And use Mr. and Mrs. (I think I'm in the minority on this though).

I completely agree with this.

[SunDeck]

I would have agreed with the "hyper" part of the rant until I had two kids. One of mine is probably in the "hyper" category- he's high strung, very emotional, extremely energetic, has a pretty short attention span and is probably the kind of kid that is annoying Ltlabner. I used to think it was my own fault for not teaching him to be less of a pill.
The other kid is 180 degrees in the oppposite direction, and I am now certain it has nothing to do with my parenting. The kids are just hard wired differently.

I have a brother who has lectured me about getting my "hyper" kid to behave and for the most part he falls into the 'whip their butts' category. And I've watched him interact with my boy on several occasions as he has belittled him, insulted him, and put him in his place by shaming him in front of others. He thinks that's the way the kids needs to be dealt with, that it's just a matter of being firm, of never wavering and of teaching the kid how to behave.

What he doesn't get is that it's just not the right formula for this kid. We've gone that route and the result was pretty unsettling; the kid just got the feeling that he was always messing up. He started telling us that "everything he did was wrong", and he'd get distraught thinking that that we didn't like him. Unfortunately, this four year old was not getting the message and it became clear to us that for some reason he was not able to get it the way his younger sister was. Lastly, thinking about it from the parents' perspective, when your kid doesn't respond to all the "no's" and getting put in his room and losing his TV, and all the other stuff, you start to realize that being firm doesn't matter to some kids. And no, I'll not whip him. Sorry tough guys, but for those of you who think that's right, you ought to think of what hitting a four year old means- it becomes a physical thing between you and the kid and has less to do with teaching them how to be a good adult. After all, are adults expected to hit their coworkers when they don't do a good job?

Anyway, just my own little tidbit, there. My kid isn't labeled adhd yet, and I live in fear that the school is going to send him home and tell me to put him some drug. And I am sorry folks, but I have the right to take him to any damned restaurant I please. It's an hour out of your precious life-it's not like I brought him into a theater and let him run up and down the aisles.

[Ltlabner]

If all you ever do is bark orders at your kid, you're going to end up with an adolescent or grownup who only knows how to bark orders back at the rest of society.

I didn't say "bark orders" I just pointed out that I see far too many parents meakly asking their children to pleeease stop doing this or that. Meanwhile the kid, who obviously has zero respect for the parent, continues to be a holy terror.

The kids are just hard wired differently.

I have a brother who has lectured me about getting my "hyper" kid to behave and for the most part he falls into the 'whip their butts' category. And I've watched him interact with my boy on several occasions as he has belittled him, insulted him, and put him in his place by shaming him in front of others. He thinks that's the way the kids needs to be dealt with, that it's just a matter of being firm, of never wavering and of teaching the kid how to behave.

There's a world of difference between being firm and belittling, insulting and putting kids "in their place". There is nothing that says you can't shower your kids with love while at the same time clearly establishing who is in control and who isn't.

What he doesn't get is that it's just not the right formula for this kid. We've gone that route and the result was pretty unsettling; the kid just got the feeling that he was always messing up. He started telling us that "everything he did was wrong", and he'd get distraught thinking that that we didn't like him.

Kids are wonderful manipulators aren't they?

But you raise a good point. Every child is different and will respond to different parenting styles. I agree 100%. But that has nothing to do being the parent and not letting the child control the situation (I'm talking in general, not specifically you). I see far too many parents where you can tell within 30 seconds that the 5 year old rules the home. That's sad.

And I am sorry folks, but I have the right to take him to any damned restaurant I please.

You certinally have the right, but you also have the responibility to contol your kid. I'm tired of having my dinners with my family destroyed because some other parent lets their kids yell, scream, bang plates, throw things, climb all over the booths, run around the resturant. Kids should be welcome in most any resturant but they should conform to the adult rules, we shouldn't have to conform to theirs.

[Roy Tucker]

I didn't say "bark orders" I just pointed out that I see far too many parents meakly asking their children to pleeease stop doing this or that. Meanwhile the kid, who obviously has zero respect for the parent, continues to be a holy terror.

The way I was raised, I was asked to do something, not told. However, all expectations were that I really didn't have any choice in the matter. It might have been phrased as a question, but it was really an order. Probably just a little social grease.

So I say things like "Jen, would you set the table please?", "Zach, would you pour the milk?", etc etc.

But if they don't don't do it, first they get the skunk eye and then the question gets restated as an order.

And I always say please, thank you, and you're welcome to my kids. As much as I'd like them to be, they aren't my slaves.

[Ltlabner]

The way I was raised, I was asked to do something, not told. However, all expectations were that I really didn't have any choice in the matter. It might have been phrased as a question, but it was really an order. Probably just a little social grease.

This is probably a better way of saying what I was trying to express. My issue isn't with the word please. My issue is with parents who can't seem to establish with their children who is in charge and who isn't. There's a world of difference between the "Laci go get your brother for dinner please" that you describe and "Jasimine pleeeeeeease stop throwing your peas" that I often see hapless parents meekly uttering to their children.

[SunDeck]

Kids are wonderful manipulators aren't they?

Sure, my five year old comes home from school with tears in his eyes. He peed his pants at recess that day (something he hasn't done since he was three), he asks us why he can't fit in, he tells us he thinks he's a bad kid. Clearly, he was distraught that all his trying couldn't keep him from spinning out of control every once in a while.

What a manipulative little brat.

Look, I know your'e not talking about my kid, but I get tired of having people tell me that all I have to do is make some adjustments. As I said, we've done that and "firm" is not something that gets processed the same by all kids. And unfortunately, there's not a practice restaurant out there that we can take him to. We generally don't go to places that are supposed to be more formal or quiet, and we do try to keep the kid in his place and quiet. But we have the right to try to raise the kid and sometimes that is going to rub up against other people's perception of what childrearing looks like.

Sorry. We're doing our best.

[Team Clark]

Was it pronounced like you'd assume? Or was it pronounced differently?

Supposedly no two are alike...

[Ltlabner]

Look, I know your'e not talking about my kid, but I get tired of having people tell me that all I have to do is make some adjustments. As I said, we've done that and "firm" is not something that gets processed the same by all kids. And unfortunately, there's not a practice restaurant out there that we can take him to. We generally don't go to places that are supposed to be more formal or quiet, and we do try to keep the kid in his place and quiet. But we have the right to try to raise the kid and sometimes that is going to rub up against other people's perception of what childrearing looks like.

Sorry. We're doing our best.

Hey man, clearly you have some real issues going on with your son. I'm sorry to hear that as I'm sure it's exaspertating to you and Mrs. Sundeck. Sometimes kids face issues that are beyond the normal day to day type issues that my original post dealt with. Hopefully you'll be able to find that parenting style that helps him to feal both loved and disciplined at the same time.

I think it's great that you avoid the formal quiet resturants. That's the heart of what I was getting at. Why put kids in situations where they are destined to fail? I wonder about parents who take their 4 to 10 year old kids to even casual resturants at 9:00pm at night, for example. Then they are shocked when the kids are cranky, tired and generally fussy.