|04-22-2006, 05:52 PM||#1|
THAT'S A FACT JACK!!
Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Bellefontaine, Ohio
Jokes From Wetzel
The Amazing Italian
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read:
"Don't Miss The Amazing Italian." The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian. Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause, and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders. Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read,"Don't Miss The Amazing Italian."
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket and sat down. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "but I I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."
1. What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?
You can drop her off anywhere.
2. What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?
Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.
3. Where does virgin wool come from?
4. How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
It isn't hard.
5. How can you make your wife mad while making love?
Call her from your cell phone.
6. What does the bride of a Polish man get that's long and hard on her wedding night?
His last name.
7. What's the down side to a threesome?
You'll likely disappoint two women instead of just one.
8. How do you know you're really ugly?
Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.
9. Why are hurricanes named after women?
Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car.
A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Georgia in Athens. They would get together two or three times a week at the Varsity for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the "experience".
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle.. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus"
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. Rabbi Lipschitz looks up and struggles to speak to the others. "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things out".
"panic" only comes from having real expectations
|04-22-2006, 06:03 PM||#2|
Little Reds BandWagon
Join Date: Jun 2003
Re: Jokes From Wetzel
"...You just have a wider lens than one game."
--Former Reds GM Wayne Krivsky, on why he didn't fly Josh Hamilton to Colorado for one game.
"...its money well-spent. Don't screw around with your freedom."
--Roy Tucker, on why you need to lawyer up when you find yourself swimming with sharks.
|04-22-2006, 09:31 PM||#3|
Big Red Machine
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: Out Wayne
Re: Jokes From Wetzel
"Hey...Dad. Wanna Have A Catch?" Kevin Costner in "Field Of Dreams."