Kids Say (Do) The Darnedest Things

[GAC]

Anyone remember that old Art Linkletter show?

I thought it would be a good topic for a thread where any of us with kids, and who still have their sanity, might want to relate situations with their kids that were rather funny and amusing.

And to those that don't have kids, but wish to some day, please don't let this thread, or anything you might read, discourage you from having kids.

[Heath]

I think it's got to be more fun for GAC's kids to tell people what GAC did to himself, rather than vise-versa.

[Ltlabner]

Originally Posted by Heath

I think it's got to be more fun for GAC's kids to tell people what GAC did to himself, rather than vise-versa.

My daddy can fall out of a bigger tree than your daddy!

[redsmetz]

Funny you should bring up this topic. My wife and son and I went up to Chipotle for dinner tonight and in walks our oldest daughter. When giving her a lift home, we were talking about a chair we had in the corner called the "time out" chair. One time my wife overheard putting her doll on the chair saying, "And you just sit there and think about it". Ouch!

My youngest brother when he was a little tyke crawled up on the couch when my mom was taking a nap and said, "Kiss me, baby, nothing makes me sick!" - that was a long running joke in our family.

[RANDY IN INDY]

My son was in the Dr.'s office last spring, with a really bad ear infection. The Dr. came in and looked in Matt's ear and asked me if I would like to see it. I looked, and it was nasty. Dr. said he should be in tears it was so bad, but Matt was only worried about whether he was going to get to play in his baseball game, the following Saturday and due to having so many ear infections, his pain tolerance is quite high.

The Doc handed Matt the tool that he used to look in the ear and asked him, "Matt, do you know how to use one of these things?"

Without hesitation, Matt looked up at him and said, "No, but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night."

We both looked at each other as if to say, "Did he really just say that," and then both cracked up. Funny moment.

[GAC]

Originally Posted by Heath

I think it's got to be more fun for GAC's kids to tell people what GAC did to himself, rather than vise-versa.

I'm very good at showing them how not to do certain things. It's quite the opposite of live and learn around here. But I must say I've never had any incidents involving electricity...... yet.

My youngest is now 11; but when he was in 1st grade he came home with an interesting surprise in his book bag. My wife, whenever the kids got home from school, always went through the book bags to check for homework, notes from teachers, etc. I was in lying on the couch when I hear this "GREG GET IN HERE!!!"

So I go in and she hands me this sandwich baggie and asks me what I think this is? I look at it, and then smell it, and tell her it's pot (which she obviously already knew). So she calls my son in and asks him where he got this. He tells us that one of the girls in his class was handing these baggies out to alot of the kids in school. My son had no idea what it was. So I told my wife we need to call the Principal and have him investigate this situation.

It seems this little girl was simply mimicking what she saw her parents do on a regular basis - friends would come over to the house, and the little girl watched as Mommy and Daddy would give these baggies to their friends. So the little girl felt that it would be a great way to also make friends at school. She had no idea what she was handing out.

Anyway - after I confirmed my wife's suspicions I went back in to lie down. A short bit later I start to smell something. And I realize what it is too. So I walk back into the kitchen and my wife had taken the cardboard center out of a roll of toilet paper, some aluminum foil, and made her a pipe. Who says our generation wasn't innovative? I said "What are you doing?" And she said she was making sure it was really pot before she called the Principal and made an issue out of it. She then tries to hand the pipe to me and I tell her "No Thanks. I did more then enough of that 30 years ago. Besides, we'll know for sure when you make me take a road trip to Krogers for you later to get a 2 litre bottle of Moutain Dew, and a case of Hostess Ding Dongs."

Meanwhile the little girl's parents were probably paranoid over trying to figure out whose been breaking into their stash... only to find out it was their daughter!

[oneupper]

My eldest daughter (now 16 at the time like 8) used to like to play little trivia games to show how smart she was (and we liked to show her off..also).

So we're talking at dinner and somehow the Mona Lisa comes up. So I decide to prod her a bit.

I ask: "Where's the Mona Lisa?"

She says "In the Louvre!"

I ask: "Where's the Louvre?"

She says: "In Paris!"

I ask: "Where's Paris?"

She says: "In France!"

I ask: "Ok...a hard one. Who painted the Mona Lisa?"

A confused look comes over her face...but she has it on the tip of her tongue.

So I say "Leonaardoooo......"

She screams "DI CAPRIO!!!" loud so the neighbors could hear.

My wife and I were laughing for at least 10 minutes before we could go on with dinner.

[15fan]

My 3 year old is potty trained, but occasionally needs some help with some of the tidying up activities after the bodily processes are completed.

Before the holidays we had some folks over, and the kiddo needed to go to the bathroom. She used the downstairs bathroom, which isn't far from the part of the house where the guests were. When she was finished, she yelled for my wife to come help her. No problem. So my wife went in, pulled a hunk of toilet paper, and started to clean up the kid.

Evidently, my wife was tidying up the wrong part of the anatomy, because the kid yelled at the top of her lungs "Don't wipe my cornhole, Mommy! Just my coochie!"

And then there was the time that the kiddo & I were running errands. While we were at Home Depot, she had to drop a deuce. We found the men's room, and several of the stalls were occupied. We found one that wasn't, and she went to work, with plenty of grunting. When she was done, she turned around and looked in the bowl. Without hesitation, she blurted out "Oh! A big one!" I've never heard as much laughter in a men's room in all my life.

I've also had to explain on multiple occasions my kid's proclamation that I'm the daddy because I have "a peanut".

[Dom Heffner]

Meanwhile the little girl's parents were probably paranoid over trying to figure out whose been breaking into their stash... only to find out it was their daughter!

They were probably paranoid, anyway.

My cousin and I went out to dinner with his little girl one night at TGIF's. We were into a pretty deep conversation when we noticed little Sara turned completely around in her chair and having a conversation with two complete strangers seated at the table behind us:

"And then I took the crayons and drew all over the wall and when Mommy saw it, I got in big trouble. I am never going to do that again."

She, of course, was describing the incident where she came down the stairs, a step at a time, with a crayon pressed to the wall the entire way down.

You could tell she felt awful about it- and what better way to get rid of the guilt than to confess her sins to people eating at Fridays?

[Red Leader]

We were at church this past Sunday. It was about the middle of mass, maybe a little after that. Everyone had put their "kneelers" back up into position. The priest was blessing the offering. Someone's "kneeler" fell back to the ground and made a very loud noise. My youngest (3) says "What the HELL was that?" The whole place was silent when he said that. Everyone within 10 rows of us was cracking up laughing.

We had a little talk with him, and my Dad from whom he learned this funny little phrase, after church.

[HotCorner]

My oldest (almost 4) has given us several in his short time.

A couple of months ago he was on the phone with his Papa (my dad) telling him what he wanted for Christmas.

"Hotwheel scooter," he kept saying into the phone. Apparently Papa could not understand so Logan getting frustrated pulls the phone away from his ear then looks at the phone as says slowly "scoo ... ter."

The wife and I could not stop laughing.

The other memorable story was from a couple of years ago. Logan was just learning to talk so some of his sounds were not correct. For example, he had a problem with the word truck - it would always come out as the four-letter word. Thus whenever he would try to say truck, no matter where we were, the wife and I would always be quick to add, "Yes that is a TRUCK!"

Well one Sunday morning we met my parents, my brother, my sister in-law and my niece for breakfast at First Watch. After we had eaten, Logan wanted to tell Papa and Mom-mom his new word. So he gets down from his seat and walks over to them and yells out, "dumb f*ck!" The wifre and I quickly add "Yes, DUMP TRUCK!"

[redsmetz]

I forgot about this one, but I just shared it elsewhere:

My son who is now 18 had to write a Mother's Day card when he was about seven or eight. He wrote, among other things, you are as pretty as a freshly cut baseball field. His teacher was also a baseball fan (whose dad had worked as an usher at Reds games!) and she wrote on there, that is high praise indeed.

I also remember my wife telling me about being at the grocery story with one of our daughters around the age when they're learning about themselves and bodies and realizing how men and women are different. They're riding along when she blurted out, "Mom, Mr. Rogers has a penis!". Yikes!

[Roy Tucker]

Last night, my one daughter told the other one "you're such a numb chuck".

[SunDeck]

Originally Posted by Roy Tucker

Last night, my one daughter told the other one "you're such a numb chuck".

You sure she didn't call her a dump truck?

[SunDeck]

A friend's son wanted to know what the crucifix was that hangs in church. He explained that it was used it to pray and to talk to God.

The kid said, "Is it hooked up to a speaker?"