The Jackie project

[RFS62]

I'm making an appeal to the brilliant, twisted minds of RedsZone whom I've grown to love so much over the years. And it's so up your alley, in your wheelhouse.

Someone I love very much has exactly the same warped sense of humor as the best and the brightest and most eccentric of us. She is in great need of good jokes to help her make it through some very tough times right now.

So, in the same vein as the "things I've heard in a bar" thread, I need your best jokes, your funniest stories. I don't care if it's corny, stupid, in fact, that's what I'm after. But I want cutting edge smart and funny.

Think Puffy. And Roy Tucker. Brilliant comedic minds.

It's a good cause, believe me.

Bring it.

Please.

[Roy Tucker]

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

[RFS62]

Thank you so much, Roy.

[texasdave]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

[RedFanAlways1966]

Did ya hear about the Cubs fan who broke both ankles while playing golf?

... he fell off the ball washer.

[OldRightHander]

A restaurant serves eggs benedict on hubcaps because...there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

[Roy Tucker]

A few more...

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A woman and a duck walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig."

The woman says, "That's not a pig, that's a duck."

He says, "I was talking to the duck."

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A guy walks into a bar. There's nobody there except the bartender and a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar.

The man says, "I'm buying that woman a drink." The bartender says, "You don't want to do that. She's a lesbian." The man says, "I don't care, give the drink." After the woman gets the drink, she raises the glass to her benefactor.

The man strolls over to her. He says, "Hi. I'm Bill Williams from Terre Haute. So how are things in Beirut?"

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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

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A brain goes into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry I can't serve you, you're out of your head!"

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A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar.

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A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink.

"Got any ID?" asks the bartender.

"About what?" replies the Texan.

[RichRed]

A pirate walks into a bar with a peg leg, a parrot on his shoulder, and a steering wheel on his pants. The bartender says, "Hey, you've got a steering wheel on your pants."

The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know. It's driving me nuts."

[RichRed]

Since you asked for stupid...

I once ordered soup (clam chowder) in a less than high-end restaurant and the waitress brought me a fork because "we're out of spoons."

A: Why didn't you tell me you were out of spoons when I ordered the soup?
A1: Once you realized you were out of spoons, why did you still bring me the soup?
B: On what planet is it acceptable to substitute a fork for a spoon with a non-hearty gumbo style soup?
C: How is it possible you're out of spoons?

When I asked for a refund, I got the dirtiest look in the history of dirty looks before the cashier slapped the money in my hand without saying a word. I thought, "Oh, so I'm the bad guy here?"

I was looking around for cameras because it was such a stunning combination of rudeness and stupidity. I never saw myself on TV so I can only assume it was all real.

[Todd Gack]

My grandpa's favorite, clean, oldie but goodie:

A three-legged dog walks into the bar. The bartender curiously looks at him as the dog sits down. Bartender asks, "So what you brings you here?" The dog says: "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my pa."

[OldRightHander]

A man took a job as a bus driver for a school and was told that all the previous bus drivers had quit after the first day, but he needed the job so he decided he would give it a try. When he showed up, he was given a bus that looked like the bus on Sesame Street. The first child he picks up is a fat girl who gets on and says, "Hi, my name is Patty." The next child is also a fat girl named Patty. Next he picks up a boy who says, "My name is Saul and I'm a very special boy." After that he picks up a girl dressed very provocatively and she sits right in the front and proceeds to take off her shoes and start picking at her bunions. At the end of the day he goes into the office to quit and he is asked why he is quitting. He replies, "Two obese Patties, special Saul, little sleaze picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus."

[RFS62]

You guys are the best. Keep 'em coming, it's really helping.

[OldRightHander]

A man I know had a stroke and lost the use of the left side of his body, but he's all right now.

[edabbs44]

A blonde walked into a bar. Ouch.

[Spitball]

Question: Why do mice have small balls?

Answer: Very few mice know how to dance.