View Full Version : Great Quotes from TV & Movies Thread

10-21-2004, 04:06 PM

Cop: Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No.
Lie detector: eeeeeeee (lie)
Moe: Alright, maybe I did, but I didn't shoot him.
Lie detector: Ting! (truth)
Cop: Okay sir you're free to go.
Moe: Good! Cause I got a hot date tonight.
Lie detector: eeeeeeee
Moe: ...a date...
Lie detector: eeeeeee
Moe: ...dinner with friends...
Lie detector: eeeeeee
Moe: ...dinner alone...
Lie detector: eeeeeee
Moe: ...watching TV alone...
Lie detector: eeeeeee
Moe: Alright! I'm a sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret's catalogue.
Lie detector: eeeeeee
Moe: ....Sears catalogue.
Lie detector: Ting!
Moe: Now would you unhook this already please! I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment!
Lie detector: eeeeeee

10-21-2004, 05:47 PM
Don't <blank> in my hair.

--Boogie Nights--

10-21-2004, 05:54 PM
"Grandma says you have to leave cause your ruining all of our lives and your eating all of our steak!"
"Kip, can you come by school and bring me some chap stick, my lips hurt really bad!"
"Napoleon, your just jealous cause I have been talking to hot babes on the internet all day."
"You know I am training to be a cage fighter"
"WHAT! Grandma we don't need a babysitter, Kip is like 32"
"Hey Napoleon, what are you gonna do today? ANYTHING I FEEL LIKE GOSH!!!"
"It's a Liger, a mix between a lion and a tiger, with medieval powers"
"It's prolly the best thing i have ever drawn, it took me like 3 hours to get the shading on your upper lip."

The Awesome Artistry of Napoleon Dynamite. A must-see

10-21-2004, 07:57 PM
"If I had a conversation with God, I'd ask Him to create this girl."
-Steve, "Singles"

Johnny Footstool
10-22-2004, 12:43 AM
"Mind you don't cut yourself, Mordecai."

"Son, you got a panty on your head."

"You know, jammies! They had...Yodas and ****!"

"When there was no fish, we ate fowl. When there was no fowl, we ate crawdad. When there was no crawdad, we ate sand."
"You ate sand?"
"We ate sand."

-Raising Arizona

10-22-2004, 01:43 AM
Hello there Cliff, what color is the sky in your world.

10-22-2004, 02:02 AM
Marge to Homer upon seeing his face on a baseball team shirt as a mascot "Who would ever have thought we would have seen the day when a Simpson is on a t-shirt?"

10-22-2004, 08:44 AM
"Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken. "

"Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else."

Jack: "A new car built by my company leaves somewhere traveling at 60 mph. The rear differential locks up. The car crashes and burns with everyone trapped inside. Now, should we initiate a recall? Take the number of vehicles in the field, A, multiply by the probable rate of failure, B, multiply by the average out-of-court settlement, C. A times B times C equals X. If X is less than the cost of a recall, we don't do one."
Business woman: "Are there a lot of these kinds of accidents?"
Jack: "You wouldn't believe."
Business woman: "Which car company do you work for?"
Jack: "A major one."

"On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero."

-Fight Club

10-22-2004, 02:04 PM
From Seinfeld, one of the best monologs ever.

BOOKMAN: Well, let me tell you something, funny boy. Y'know that little stamp, the one that says "New York Public Library"? Well that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before: Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, 'What's this guy making such a big stink about old library books?' Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn't HE deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped! (Pauses) Or, maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld; maybe that's how y'get your kicks. You and your good-time buddies.. Well I got a flash for ya, joy-boy: Party time is over. Y'got seven days, Seinfeld.

10-22-2004, 02:13 PM
I'm Iowa.

Ralph Wiggum

Chip R
10-22-2004, 02:26 PM
It's nice to be nice to the nice. - Frank Burns

10-22-2004, 03:49 PM
Caddyshack (one of hundreds)

"Carl Spackler: So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one -- big hitter, the Lama -- long, into a ten-thousand foot crevice, right at the base of this glacier. And do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga...gunga -- gunga galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consiousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice."

10-22-2004, 03:51 PM
Ok, another Caddyshack, in memoriam (but not in respect of ;) ) of Rodney Dangerfield:

"I tell ya, country clubs and cemetaries biggest waste of prime real estate around" (paraphrase)

Crash Davis
10-25-2004, 06:10 PM
The recent escapades of Bill O'Reilly reminded me of another Caddyshack quote:

"Elihu, will you come loofah my stretch marks?"

Red Heeler
10-25-2004, 06:46 PM
How poorly does it reflect upon television programming when the most intelligent show over the past 15 years has been a cartoon?

"Doh!!!!" Homer Simpson.

Crash Davis
10-25-2004, 10:31 PM
Say Anything :

I don't want to sell anything, buy anything or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought or processed. Or repair anything sold, bought or processed, y'know? As a career I don't want to do that. So, my father's in the army, he wants me to join, but I can't work for that corporation. So what I've been doing lately is kickboxing. '

Crash Davis
10-25-2004, 10:43 PM
Office Space :

Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late -- ah, I use the side door -- that way Lumberg can't see me. Heh, after that I sorta space out for an hour. Yeah, I just stare at my desk, but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch too. I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.

Crash Davis
10-25-2004, 10:50 PM
Seinfeld, George Constanza:

I love a good nap, sometimes its the only thing getting me out of bed in the mornings.

Crash Davis
10-25-2004, 10:55 PM
Northern Exposure, Joel to Maggie:

That smile of yours makes the Mona Lisa look self-doubting.

Crash Davis
10-25-2004, 11:03 PM
The Big Lebowski :

The CHINAMAN is not the ISSUE here, DUDE! Im talking about drawing a line in the sand, Dude! Across this line YOU DO NOT.. Also dude, Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian american, please..

Crash Davis
10-25-2004, 11:15 PM
Grumpier Old Men :

What the...what the hell is this? I weigh 90 goddamn pounds, and you bring me this slop 'n foam!? Let me tell you something, Johnny. Every morning I wake up and smoke a cigar, and I eat five strips of BACON! For lunch, a bacon sandwich...and for a mid-day snack...BACON! A whole damn plate...
...and I usually drink my dinner.

Crash Davis
11-02-2004, 01:46 PM
A thread worth saving. Looks like I'll have to carry it back to the top until it gets its legs again.

In honor of election day, a few quotes from Northern Expsoure episode 3.15 "Democracy in America."

Chris In The Morning:

Hold on to your hats, Cicely. We're about to bear witness to that sacred rite when each and every one of us become acolytes before the altar of the ballot box, our secular shrine. Fellow Cicelians, my heart is pounding, dancing to the drum of a free people, a city on a hill, E Pluribus Unum. I feel at one with Whitman, shepherd of the great unwashed, "O Democracy! Near at hand to you a throat is now inflating itself and joyfully singing."

Maggie advises Ed on how to vote:

Ed, try to figure out which one is least likely to become an unprincipled sleaze bucket.

Joel to Ruth-Anne:

I can't believe the amount of time and energy being wasted on a two-bit election over a two-bit issue in a two-bit town. How many bits is that?

Chris to Ed:

The idea of an election is much more interesting to me than the election itself...The act of voting is in itself the defining moment.

Chris to Ed:

Ed, we just witnessed a peaceful transition in government. Do you realize how miraculous that is?...Today, tiny Cicely, Alaska, stood up and put another W in the win category for democracy.

Chris In The Morning:

My friends, today when I look out over Cicely, I see not a town, but a nation's history written in miniature. Inscribed in the cracked pavement, reverberating from every passing flatbed. Today, every runny nose I see says "America" to me. We were outcasts, scum, the wretched debris of a hostile, aging world. We came here, we paved roads, we build industries, powerful institutions. Of course, along the way we exterminated untold indigenous cultures and enslaved generations of Africans. We basically stained our Star-Spangled Banner with a host of sins that can never be washed clean. But today, we're here to celebrate the glorious aspects of our past. A tribute to a nation of free people, the country Whitman exalted. "The genius of the United States has not best or most in its executives or legislators, nor in its ambassadors or authors, or colleges or churches, or parlors, nor even in its newspapers or inventors, but always most in the common people." I've never been so proud to be a Cicelian. I must now go and fill my lungs with the deep clean air of democracy.

Chris In The Morning:

"We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break the bonds of our affection." Lincoln's words to a divided nation, my council to a divided Cicely.

Chris In The Morning:

Final words tonight belong to Thomas Jefferson, third president of these United States who gave us this to chew on, "Sometimes it is said that a man cannot be trusted with the government of himself. Can he then be trusted with the government of others or have we found angels in the forms of kings to govern him? Let history answer this question".

11-02-2004, 01:55 PM
One of my all-time favorite quotes from a movie:

"I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't, I can't look into your eyes without feeling that, that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it, because I've never felt this way before, and I don't care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn't allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I'll accept that. But I know... I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. All I ask, please, is that you just, you just not dismiss that - and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn't another soul on this (edited) planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can't deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which - while I do appreciate it - I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of."
- Holden, "Chasing Amy"

11-02-2004, 02:03 PM
Good movie LGJ.

11-02-2004, 03:39 PM
From Planes, Trains and Automobiles:

" I want a (blanking) car. A (blanking) Datsun, a (blanking) Buick, a (blanking) Toyota. Four (blanking) tires and a steering wheel."

11-02-2004, 10:27 PM
M.A.S.H. had some of the best....

Frank Burns

"We all know it's brutal up there at the front, especially those of us at the rear"

"I'm sick of hearing about the wounded. What about all the thousands of wonderful guys who are fighting this war without any of the credit or the glory that always goes to those lucky few who just happen to get shot."

"Without discipline the Army would just be a bunch of guys wearing the same color clothing."

"I think you will all agree that by trying to introduce more discipline, more order, I have hopefully made this a more enjoyable war for all of us. Leadership is a lonely business. Your Napoleons, your Kaisers, your Attilas the Hun, were alone there in the front office as I have been this week. I have thought of you. I know you have thought of me - but some of the notes in the suggestion box were really below the belt! I mean, why drag my mother into this?"

"The way I see it, unless we each conform, unless we obey orders, unless we follow our leaders blindly, there is no possible way we can remain free."

"I've gotten thank-you notes from people I said I'd never see again."

"Anyone who needs psychiatry is sick in the head."

"I wouldn't mind being a doctor if I didn't have to be around sick people."

"My mother and father never got divorced. I'd have done much better coming from a broken home."

Margaret: They love you, Frank.
Frank: It was their hatred that fooled me.

Frank: Give me a man when he's 28 and he's mine for life.
Margaret: Oh, Frank! For a moment there, you looked like you had a chin!

Col Flagg

"It's the duty of every real American to be on the lookout for goldbricks, pinko's and fellow travelers. 'Course without the likes of Americans like you the jobs of Americans like me would be a lot more difficult. But don't get me wrong, Americans like me like difficult jobs. So don't get the idea you're doing the CIA any favors. We don't really need Americans like you, we don't need anybody."

Col Flagg: "I've got to nip this rotten apple in the bud! This sort of action's contageous. One man decides he's not gonna fight, it catches on, the next thing, you know what you've got on your hands?"
B.J.: Peace?

Flagg: I've trained myself not to laugh or smile.
Potter: Really?
Flagg: Watched a hundred hours of The Three Stooges. Every time I felt like smiling, I jabbed myself in the stomach with a cattle prod.
Potter: That ought to do it.

Flagg: Let me tell you something. I have a complete record on you. I know every move you make, everything there is to know about you, so watch your step, Hunnicut!
Hawkeye: I'm Pierce!
Flagg: Fine. You want to call yourself Pierce, I can play that game too.


"Boy seeing the way you guys work with the wounded, the way you deal with burned up legs, ripped up bellies. Makes me proud every time I throw up."

Frank: Klinger! I want to see you out of that dress!
Klinger: Never on a first date, sir!

Klinger, taking a test: "Mary's mother sent her to the store to get nine large cans of beans. Mary could only carry two cans at a time. How many trips to the store did Mary have to make?" ... What kind of a family would only feed the children beans?

Trapper: Klinger's not a pervert!
Margaret: How do you know?
Trapper: Because I'm one, and he's never at the meetings!

"I'd sooner share my toothbrush with a Democrat" - Charles Emerson Winchester III

And Hawkeye/Trapper had some good banter with Frank :lol:

Frank: I didn't come here to be liked.
Hawkeye: You certainly came to the right place

Frank: I'm here to relieve you.
Hawkeye: You do resemble an enema.

Frank: I'm a pretty fair doctor myself. Ask any of my patients!
Hawkeye: We can't dig people up just for that.

Frank: What I don't understand is why do people take an instant dislike to me?
Trapper: It saves time, Frank.

11-03-2004, 08:56 AM
Man, I love those Northern Exposure quotes. That was one of my favorite shows all time.

I remember a great routine from The Adams Family.

It was in a trial setting, with Gomez acting as an attorney.

Morticia was being sworn in, and the bailiff said "do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"

Gomez jumped up and shouted "I object!!!"

The judge said "she has to tell the truth, Mr. Adams."

Gomez rolled his eyes and shook his head, and said "Well, this is going to make it a lot harder."

11-03-2004, 05:17 PM
From one of the first few episodes of Southpark when Stan was meeting Wendy at the pond after school:

Kyle : Maybe she'll let you hold her hand
Cartman: maybe you can slip her the tounge
Kenny: Muffled blabbering
Cartman: What? How'd you know she has a cat?

11-03-2004, 05:18 PM
Also from South Park

"I've been licking this carpet all day and I still don't feel like a lesbian"

11-03-2004, 05:20 PM
From Midnight Run

"You two are the worst bounty hunters ever. You couldn't deliver a bottle of milk"

11-03-2004, 05:22 PM
Another one from Southpark. Puffy help me out here because I don't remember exactly how it was said.

It's the episode when Kathy Lee Gifford was coming to town and Cartman was taking Weight Gainer 2000 to become "buff".

Stan: Have you see how big Cartman's face is getting?
Kyle: What about his arms?
Kenny: Muffled blabbering
Stan: Yeah, they're almost as big as his mom's.

11-03-2004, 05:24 PM

"Why is it that everything today has involved things going in or coming out OF MY ASS"

11-03-2004, 05:27 PM
From Planes, Trains and Automobiles:

" I want a (blanking) car. A (blanking) Datsun, a (blanking) Buick, a (blanking) Toyota. Four (blanking) tires and a steering wheel."

Also from Planes, Trains and Automobiles

John Candy: Where is your other hand?

Steve Martin: Between two pillows.



11-03-2004, 05:31 PM
A. Billy Clanton to Doc: "the drunk piano player. You're so drunk you're probably seeing double. Doc to Billy: "I got two guns, one for each of you."

B. Wyatt to Ike: "You die first, get it? Your friends may get me in a rush, but not before I make your head into a canoe."

C. Doc to one of the McLaury brothers: You're a daisy if you do."

D. Doc to Johnny Ringo: "I'm your Huckelberry."

11-03-2004, 05:33 PM
From Spaceballs

Colonel Sanders: Airmen, have you found anything yet?
Airmen: No, Sir. Nothing yet.
Colonel Sanders: How bout you?
Airmen: Still nothing sir.
Colonel Sanders: What about you two?
Two black Airmen with a Pik: We ain't found ****!

11-03-2004, 05:33 PM
A. Billy Clanton to Doc: "the drunk piano player. You're so drunk you're probably seeing double. Doc to Billy: "I got two guns, one for each of you."

B. Wyatt to Ike: "You die first, get it? Your friends may get me in a rush, but not before I make your head into a canoe."

C. Doc to one of the McLaury brothers: You're a daisy if you do."

D. Doc to Johnny Ringo: "I'm your Huckelberry."

Love the movie Tombstone - great, great movie :thumbup:

11-03-2004, 05:37 PM
Love the movie Tombstone - great, great movie :thumbup:
I thought that Val Kilmer deserved an Oscar nod for his role as Doc. The dialogue in this movie was great. Speaking of Oscars, I also thought that Johnny Depp got cheated out of one for his role in Pirates of the Carribean.

11-04-2004, 12:17 PM
And the best one ever maybe - A Few Good Men:

"Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lieutenant Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago and you curse the marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don't want the truth because, deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said "thank you" and went on your way. Otherwise I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand at post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to."

11-04-2004, 12:49 PM
Elwood: I sure hope this thing leads some place.

Jake: Elwood. We're gone man.

[The "Mystery Woman" loosens off a round of machine gun fire. They hit the ground]

Elwood: Who is that girl?

Woman: Well Jake. You like it just fine down there, slithering in the mud like vermin.

Jake:[To Elwood]

No problem.

Woman: You're not gonna get away from me this time.

[she fires again... still missing them]

[In the ballroom, Mr Mercer hears the gunshots]

Mr Mercer:[To officers]

Check that out. Let's go. Come on.

[Back in the sewer]

Jake:[To Woman]

It's good to see you sweetheart.

Woman: You contemptible pig. I remained celebate for you. I stood at the back of a cathedral, waiting in celibacy for you, with 300 friends and relatives in attendance. My uncle hired the best Romanian caterer in the state. To obtain the seven limousines for the wedding party my father used up his last favours with Mad Pete Trollo. So for me, for my mother, my grandmother, my father, my uncle and for the common good, I must now kill you and your brother.

[Jake gets up and slowly walks towards her.]

Jake:[Falling to his knees before her]

Oh please don't kill us. Please, please don't kill us. You know I love ya baby, I wouldn't leave ya. It wasn't my fault.

Women: You miserable slug. You think you can talk you're way out of this? You betrayed me.

Jake: No, I didn't. Honest. I ran outta gas. I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from outta town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake, a terrible flood, locust's. It wasn't my fault!! I swear to God!!

Woman: Oh Jake, Jake, honey.

[Jake embraces her in a passionate kiss, then drops her in the mud.]

Jake:[To Elwood]

Let's go.

Elwood:[To the Woman]

Take it easy.

[They run down the passage to the car. She follows in the distance.]

Elwood: It's a 106 miles to Chicago. We got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses.

Jake: Hit it!

11-04-2004, 12:58 PM

Al Czervik: Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity

11-04-2004, 01:07 PM
Ferris Bueller's Day Off

[A baseball game is on television.]
Ed Rooney: What's the score?
Pizza Joint Owner: Nothin' to nothin'.
Ed Rooney: [not really listening] Who's winning?
Pizza Joint Owner: The Bears

11-04-2004, 01:39 PM
Meet the Parents:

Jack Byrnes: Well, Greg, when you have a bunch of Fockers running around your house, you'll feel the need for security

11-04-2004, 01:40 PM
Greg Focker: You can milk just about anything with nipples.
Jack Byrnes: I have nipples, Greg, could you milk me?

11-04-2004, 01:45 PM
Strange Brew:

Doug McKenzie: I am your father, Luke. Give in to the dark side of the force, you knob.
Bob McKenzie: He saw Jedi 17 times, eh!

11-04-2004, 01:47 PM
Also from Strange Brew, one of my all time favorites:

Bob: "I'd kiss you if I didn't have puke breath"

11-04-2004, 01:58 PM
Will : Do you like apples?
Clark : Yeah.
Will : Well, I got her number. How do you like them apples?

-Good Will Hunting

11-04-2004, 03:12 PM
Wall Street

Gordon Gekko: The point is, ladies and gentlemen, that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right. Greed works

11-04-2004, 03:46 PM
Princess Bride

Vizzini: You only think I guessed wrong - that's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha-ha, you fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is "Never get involved in a land war in Asia", but only slightly less famous is this: "Never go in against a Sicilian, when *death* is on the line!". Hahahahahah!
[Vizzini falls over dead]

11-04-2004, 03:57 PM
Joe Namath: "Suzy, I want to kiss you!!!"

11-04-2004, 04:22 PM
Clemenza: "Leave the gun. Take the cannoli."

11-04-2004, 05:33 PM
Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Black Knight: Have at you!
Arthur: You are indeed brave, sir knight, but the fight is mine.
Black Knight: Oh, had enough eh?
Arthur: Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left!
Black Knight: Yes I have.
Arthur: Look!
Black Knight: Just a flesh wound!

11-04-2004, 05:34 PM
More Holy Grail:

French Soldier: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

Arthur: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
French Soldier: No, now go away before I taunt you a second time.

11-08-2004, 09:01 AM
"Inconceivable" - Vizzini, The Princess Bride

Roy Tucker
11-08-2004, 09:26 AM
"Well, boys, I reckon this is it - nuclear combat toe to toe with the Roosskies."

"Well, I've been to one world fair, a picnic, and a rodeo, and that's the stupidest thing I ever heard come over a set of earphones."

"Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed. But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops. Uh, depending on the breaks."

"Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room"

"Survival kit contents check. In them you'll find: one forty-five caliber automatic; two boxes of ammunition; four days' concentrated emergency rations; one drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills; one miniature combination Russian phrase book and Bible; one hundred dollars in rubles; one hundred dollars in gold; nine packs of chewing gum; one issue of prophylactics; three lipsticks; three pair of nylon stockings. Shoot, a fella' could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff. "

"Well now, what happened is... ah... one of our base commanders, he had a sort of... well, he went a little funny in the head... you know... just a little... funny. And, ah... he went and did a silly thing... Well, I'll tell you what he did. He ordered his planes... to attack your country... "

"Fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face."

"Mein Fuhrer, I can walk!"

--- Dr. Strangelove

11-08-2004, 11:38 AM
From Naked Gun:

"It's true what they say: Cops and women don't mix. It's like eating a spoonful of Drano, sure it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside."

11-08-2004, 11:54 AM

Jane Spencer: I've heard police work is dangerous.
Frank: It is. That's why I carry a big gun.
Jane Spencer: Aren't you afraid it might go off accidentally?
Frank: I used to have that problem.
Jane Spencer: What did you do about it?
Frank: I just think about baseball

11-08-2004, 12:20 PM
And Frank Drebin singing our national Anthem as Enrico Polatzo:

oh, say can you see, buy the dawn's early light, what so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming. who's bright strips and broad stars, in the parelious night, o'er the rampart's we watched, as the da da, da, da, da, da, and the rocket's red glare, lots of bombs in the air, gave proof to the night, that we still had a flag, oh say does that spangle banner wave, over all-l-l-l-l that's free, over the home, of the land, and the land of the free!

11-08-2004, 12:42 PM
South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut:

Mr. Garrison: "Sorry kids, I just can't trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."

Red Leader
11-08-2004, 12:48 PM
Beavis and Butthead Do America:

Little Old Lady: I'm sorry, son. I got this ringin' in my ears. My doctor says it could be related to my heart palpitations.
Beavis: Really? I poop too much.
Little Old Lady: Oh. Maybe you're... lactose-intolerant.
Beavis: No, no. I POOP TOO MUCH! Then I get tired.

Red Leader
11-08-2004, 12:49 PM

Checking out Chelsea Clinton
Butt-head: Hey, baby! I noticed you have braces. I have braces too!

Roy Tucker
11-08-2004, 12:54 PM
Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit outta my hat.

Red Leader
11-08-2004, 12:54 PM
A Bronx Tale:

Sonny: Alright, listen to me. You pull up right where she lives, right? Before you get outta the car, you lock both doors. Then, get outta the car, you walk over to her. You bring her over to the car. Dig out the key, put it in the lock and open the door for her. Then you let her get in. Then you close the door. Then you walk around the back of the car and look through the rear window. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in: dump her.
Calogero: Just like that?
Sonny: Listen to me, kid. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in, that means she's a selfish broad and all you're seeing is the tip of the iceberg. You dump her and you dump her fast.

11-08-2004, 01:01 PM
Are you a MexiCAN or a MexiCAN'T...
-Johnny Depp, Once Upon a Time in Mexico

Red Leader
11-08-2004, 01:04 PM

Madeline : I'm sorry, who are you again?
Fletch : I'm Frieda's boss.
Madeline : Who's Frieda?
Fletch : My secretary.

Red Leader
11-08-2004, 01:06 PM
Fletch : I would have been here sooner, but a manure-spreader jacknifed on the Santa Ana. You should see my shoes

Red Leader
11-08-2004, 01:08 PM
Fletch : Awww, come on guys, it's so simple maybe you need a refresher course.
[leans arm on hot engine part]
Fletch : Hey! It's all ball bearings nowadays. Now you prepare that Fetzer valve with some 3-in-1 oil and some gauze pads, and I'm gonna need 'bout ten quarts of anti-freeze, preferably Prestone. No, no make that Quaker State.

Red Leader
11-08-2004, 01:09 PM
Gail Stanwyck : Look at her would you look at her. She looks like a hooker. Could you love someone who looked like that?
Fletch : What are you talking about? Of course not! Five, ten minutes tops, maybe.

11-08-2004, 01:20 PM
Bigger, Longer & Uncut:

Satan: How come you always want to make love to me from behind? Is it because you want to pretend I'm somebody else?
Saddam Hussein: Satan, your ass is gigantic and red. Who am I going to pretend you are, Liza Minelli?

Roy Tucker
11-08-2004, 01:21 PM

Carl Spackler : So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.

11-08-2004, 01:23 PM
Bigger, Longer & Uncut:

Brooke Shields: I once farted on the set of Blue Lagoon.

Red Leader
11-08-2004, 01:24 PM
Bigger, Longer & Uncut:

Brooke Shields: I once farted on the set of Blue Lagoon.

:MandJ: :MandJ: Forgot about that.

11-08-2004, 01:26 PM
Here's one of the best from Bigger Longer & Uncut (get ready to laugh!!):

Cartman: Kyle, all those times I said you were a dumb, stupid Jew, well, I was wrong, you're not a Jew.
Kyle: Cartman, I *am* Jewish!
Cartman: There, there, don't be hard on yourself, Kyle.

Chip R
11-08-2004, 01:35 PM
A Bronx Tale:

Sonny: Alright, listen to me. You pull up right where she lives, right? Before you get outta the car, you lock both doors. Then, get outta the car, you walk over to her. You bring her over to the car. Dig out the key, put it in the lock and open the door for her. Then you let her get in. Then you close the door. Then you walk around the back of the car and look through the rear window. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in: dump her.
Calogero: Just like that?
Sonny: Listen to me, kid. If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in, that means she's a selfish broad and all you're seeing is the tip of the iceberg. You dump her and you dump her fast.
I did this once with an old girlfriend. I had been watching "A Bronx Tale" on A&E and I went over to pick her up. I had both doors locked and opened her door then went around and she had unlocked it. I told her she passed the test and she knew exactly what I was talking about cause she was watching it too. :lol:

11-08-2004, 02:42 PM
Old School:

Mitch: Sorry, your seatbelt seems to be broken. What do you recommend I do?
Cab Driver: I recommend you stop being such a faggot. You're in the backseat.

Red Leader
11-08-2004, 02:44 PM
Woman: What are you doing?
Frank : You tell anyone about this and I'll f****** kill you. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, we'll return him tonight, honey

Red Leader
11-08-2004, 02:46 PM
Therapist : Frank, this is a safe place. A place where we can feel free sharing our feelings. Think of my office as a nest in a tree of trust and understanding. We can say anything here.
Frank : Anything? Well, uh I guess I, deep down, am feeling a little confused. I mean, suddenly, you get married, and you're supposed to be this entirely different guy. I don't feel different. I mean, take yesterday for example. We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I sort of think well maybe they're silk panties, maybe it's a thong. Maybe it's something really cool that I don't even know about. You know, and uh, and I started feeling... what? what I thought we were in the trust tree in the nest, were we not?

11-08-2004, 02:54 PM
Frank: You're my boy, Blue!

Red Leader
11-08-2004, 03:07 PM
Billy Madison:

what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

11-08-2004, 03:09 PM
Tommy Boy:

Tommy: But what if the Guarantee Fairy's a crazy glue sniffer? Next thing you know there's change missing from your dresser and your daughter's knocked up. I've seen it a hundred times.

Red Leader
11-08-2004, 03:11 PM
Tommy : I left a message.
Richard Hayden : Really, what number did you call?
Tommy : Two, four, niner, five, six, seven...
Richard Hayden : I can't hear you, you're trailing off and did I catch a niner in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?
Tommy : It was a cordless.
Richard Hayden : You know what? Don't. Not here, not now.

11-08-2004, 03:12 PM
Richard: I can practically hear you getting fatter!

11-08-2004, 03:19 PM
Tommy: Did you hear I graduated?
Richard: Yeah and just a shade under a decade. All right.
Tommy: A lot of people go to college for seven years.
Richard: Yeah, they're called doctors.

Red Leader
11-08-2004, 03:38 PM

TY: You take drugs, Danny?
DANNY: Every day.
TY: Then what's your problem?

Red Leader
11-08-2004, 03:41 PM
National Lampoon's Vacation:

GIRL WITH RED FERRARI: Having a nice little family vacation?
CLARK: Hmm? .. Oh. Huh, huh. No. Would appear so, wouldn't it? Naw. Naw. The truth of it is and this is highly confidential, .. I own this motel. Yeah, own the whole chain nation wide, 2200 units. Yeah, once a year I travel across the country incognito, you know, checking things out, see how the operations running.
GIRL WITH RED FERRARI: ... It's too bad your married. I'm in the mood for some fun.
CLARK: Married? Oh, you mean those people I'm with. That's my brother's family. My brother's ring. You know I usually borrow them on these little inspection tours of mine. It sort of helps to complete the disguise. ...
GIRL WITH RED FERRARI: It's a good disguise. I like the station wagon.
CLARK: Yeah, well that's a big part of it. You know, in order to be convincing, you have to look and act like an ordinary jerk. You know, stop at all the stupid sites and uh look like a fool.
GIRL WITH RED FERRARI: Basically be yourself?
CLARK: Yeah.

Red Leader
11-08-2004, 05:02 PM
Forrest Gump:

Bubba : Have you ever been on a shrimp boat?
Forrest Gump : No, but I've been on a real big boat.

Bubba : Anyway, like I was sayin', shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. Dey's uh, shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There's pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich. That- that's about it.

11-08-2004, 05:02 PM
The Usual Suspects:

Verbal Kint: The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

Red Leader
11-08-2004, 05:52 PM
Big Daddy:

Sonny : Man this Yoohoo is good, you know what else is good, smoking dope. I ain't gonna rat you out. You know, puffing the cheeba, go by the see saw smoke a j. You know what I'm talking about? I have a belly button. You have a belly button, well we all have belly buttons. You know what? We all love Yoohoo, especially Yoohoo with a little rum. What's rum? You don't know what rum is? Rumplestilskin? Rumplestilskin. Rumplestilskin's a good man. So are you guys. Hey, stay clean, stay focused, stay strong. Frankenstein, have fun with your friends.

11-08-2004, 08:46 PM
Ferris Bueller: I do have a test today, that wasn't bullsh**. It's on European Socialism. I mean, really, what's the point? I'm not European. I don't plan on being European. So, who gives a crap if they're Socialists? They could be fascist anarchists, it still wouldn't change the fact that I don't own a car.

11-09-2004, 11:17 AM
From Airplane:

Clarence Oveur: Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?

11-09-2004, 11:38 AM
Young Frankenstein:

Dr. Friedrich von Frankenstein: What knockers!
Inga: Oh, thank you doctor.

11-09-2004, 12:06 PM
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

Austin Powers: That's Dr. Evil's cat
Vanessa: How can you tell?
Austin Powers: I never forget a *****... cat.

11-09-2004, 12:28 PM
Happy Gilmore:

Happy: "During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody."

11-09-2004, 03:26 PM
Big trouble in little china

Eddie Lee: Anybody who showed up was going to join Lim Lee in the Hell of Being Cut to Pieces.
Jack Burton: Hell of what?
Eddie Lee: Chinese have a lot of hells

11-09-2004, 03:32 PM
The Sure Thing

ďIf I fail English, thatís it. Kiss college goodbye. Gee, Dad will be pissed. I figure Iíll have a six-month grace period and then I gotta get a job. Thatís right, theyíll start me at the drive-thru window and I gradually work my way from shakes to burgers, and then one day, my lucky break comes. The French-fry guy dies and they offer me the job. But the day Iím supposed to start, some men in a black Lincoln Continental tell me I can make a quick 300 just for driving a van back from Mexico. When I get out of jail, Iím 36 years old. Living in a flophouse. No job, no upward mobility, very few teeth. And then one day the find me, face down in the gutter, clutching a bottle of paint thinner, and why? Because you wouldnít help me in English!Ē

11-09-2004, 03:35 PM
Breakfast Club:

Richard Vernon: What if your home... what if your family... what if your *dope* was on fire?
John Bender: Impossible, sir. It's in Johnson's underwear.

11-09-2004, 04:08 PM

Doug: I don't care how liberated this world becomes - a man will always be judged by the amount of alcohol he can consume - and a woman will be impressed, whether she likes it or not.

Red Leader
11-10-2004, 09:51 AM

Colonel Sanders: Are you alright sir?

Dark Helmet: Fine. How have you been?

Colonel Sanders: Fine sir.

Dark Helmet: Good.

Colonel Sanders: It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet.

Dark Helmet: Yeah..

Colonel Sanders: What should we do now, sir?

Dark Helmet: Well...are we stopped?

Colonel Sanders: We're stopped, sir.

Dark Helmet: Good. Why don't we take a five minute break.

Colonel Sanders: Very good, sir.

Dark Helmet: Smoke if you got 'em. (Dark Helmet falls to the ground)

11-10-2004, 09:54 AM
What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.
What happened to then?
We passed then?
Just now. We're at now, now.
Go back to then.
I can't.
We missed it.
Just now.
When will then be now?
How soon?


We've identified their location.
It's the Moon of Vega.
Good work. Set a course, and prepare for our arrival.
Nineteen-hundred hours, sir.
By high-noon, tomorrow, they will be our prisoners.
Hoooooo. (mask falls down)

Red Leader
11-10-2004, 09:55 AM
Dark Helmet: Now you see that evil will always triumph...because good is dumb.

11-10-2004, 09:58 AM
I'm a Mog. Half man. Half Dog. I'm my own best friend.

11-10-2004, 10:56 AM
Jesse Montgomery III: Dude, where's my car?
Chester: Where's your car dude?
Jesse Montgomery III: DUDE, where's my car?
Chester: Where's your car dude?

11-10-2004, 11:26 AM
Lethal Weapon:

Roger Murtaugh: "I'm too old for this ****!"

11-10-2004, 11:55 AM
My Cousin Vinny:

Vinny Gambini: What are you wearing?
Mona Lisa Vito: What?
Vinny Gambini: You look like a tourist.
Mona Lisa Vito: What about you?
Vinny Gambini: I fit in better than you. At least I'm wearing cowboy boots.
Mona Lisa Vito: Oh yeah, you blend.

11-10-2004, 12:23 PM
Naked Gun 2

Lt. Frank Drebin: Hector Savage. From Detroit. Ex-boxer. His real name was Joey Chicago.
Ed Hocken: Oh, yeah. He fought under the name of Kid Minneapolis.
Nordberg: I saw Kid Minneapolis fight once. In Cincinnati.
Lt. Frank Drebin: No you're thinking of Kid New York. He fought out of Philly.
Ed Hocken: He was killed in the ring in Houston. By Tex Colorado. You know, the Arizona Assassin.
Nordberg: Yeah, from Dakota. I don't remember it was North or South.
Lt. Frank Drebin: North. South Dakota was his brother. From West Virginia.

11-10-2004, 01:20 PM
Coming to America:

"The royal penis is clean. "

11-10-2004, 02:36 PM
Wedding Singer

Man: "We're paying you to sing, not share your thoughts on life!"
Robbie Hart: "Well I have a microphone and you don't... so you will listen to every damn word I have to say!"

11-10-2004, 03:01 PM
Ace Ventura

Lois: "You must really love animals".
Ace: "Only when it's really cold"

11-10-2004, 04:36 PM
American Pie:

Jim's Dad: "I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of [hesitates] masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it stroking the salami, yeah, you know, pounding the old pud. [pause] I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6 times a day"

11-10-2004, 06:01 PM
Pulp Fiction:

Vincent Vega: "And you know what they call a ... a ... a Quarter Pounder with cheese in Paris?"
Jules: "They don't call it a Quarter Pounder with cheese?"
Vincent Vega: "No man, they got the metric system. They wouldn't know what the {expletive} a Quarter Pounder is."
Jules: "Then what do they call it?"
Vincent Vega: "They call it a "Royale" with cheese."
Jules: "A "Royale" with cheese! What do they call a Big Mac?"
Vincent Vega: "A Big Mac's a Big Mac, but they call it "le Big-Mac"."
Jules: ""Le Big-Mac"! Ha ha ha ha! What do they call a Whopper?"
Vincent Vega: "I dunno, I didn't go into Burger King."

11-11-2004, 08:56 AM
"I'm out there, George."
"You're not out there."
"I am too."
"You're not out there. You can't be because I am out there. And if I see you out there there's not enough voltage in this world to electro-shock me back into coherence."
- George and Estelle, who is dating again, in "The Fusilli Jerry"

"I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!"
- Kramer, in "The Fusilli Jerry"

"What did you want to see me about, Mr. Leland?"
"Kramer, I've been reviewing your work. Quite frankly, it stinks."
"Well, I've been having trouble at home and, uh, I'll work harder. Nights, weekends, whatever it takes."
"No, no, I don't think that's going to do it. These reports you handed in, it's almost as if you have no business training at all. I don't know what this is supposed to be."
"Well, I'm just trying to get ahead."
"I'm sorry, there's just no way that we can keep you on."
"I don't even really work here."
"That's what makes this so difficult."
- Kramer and Mr. Leland, in "The Bizarro Jerry"

"Hey, who do you think is the most unattractive world leader?
"Living or all time?"
"All time."
"Well, if it's all time, then there's no contest. It begins and ends with Brezhnev."
"I dunno. You ever get a good look at DeGaulle?"
"Lyndon Johnson was uglier than DeGaulle."
"I got news for you. Golda Meir could make 'em all run up a tree."
- Elaine, Jerry and George, in "The Outing"

"You don't know my name, do you?"
"Yes I do."
"What is it?"
"It, uh, rhymes with a female body part."
"What is it?"
- Dolores and Jerry, in "The Junior Mints"

11-11-2004, 11:45 AM
Animal House:

"Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

11-11-2004, 11:46 AM
Bluto: "Oh, we're afraid to go with you Bluto. We might get in trouble. Well, just kiss my ass from now on! Not me. I'm not gonna take this! Wormer, he's a dead man! Marmalard, dead! Niedermeyer . . ."
Otter: "Dead. Bluto's right, psychotic, but absolutely right. We gotta take these bastards. Now, we could fight 'em with conventional weapons, that could take years, and cost millions of lives. No, in this case, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture, be done on somebody's part.

11-11-2004, 06:21 PM
Blazing Saddles

The Waco Kid: I got a note this morning.
Bart: From who?
The Waco Kid: Well, I'm not sure. It was addressed to "The Deputy Spade."
Bart: Well, once I establish myself in this here town, Deputy Spade might turnout to be a groovy position.

11-11-2004, 06:25 PM
A Christmas Story:

Ralphie (adult): In the heat of battle, my father wove a tapestry of obscenity, that as far as we know, is still hanging in space over lake Michigan.

11-11-2004, 06:26 PM

Ralphie (adult): [I]t was the classic mother B.B. gun block: "You'll shoot your eye out." That deadly phrase uttered many times before by hundreds of mothers, was not surmountable by any means known to kiddom.

11-11-2004, 06:37 PM
Napoleon Dynamite:

Napoleon Dynamite : Grandma just called and said you're supposed to go home.
Uncle Rico : She didn't tell me anything.
Napoleon Dynamite : Too bad, she said she doesn't want you here when she
gets back because you've been ruining everybody's lives and eating all our
Uncle Rico : I'm not goin' anywhere, Napoleon.
Napoleon Dynamite : Get off my property!
Uncle Rico : It's a free country. I can do whatever I want.
Napoleon Dynamite : Get off my property or I'll call the cops on you.
Uncle Rico : Well then do it! Go on!
Napoleon Dynamite : Maybe I will, GOSH!

Napoleon Dynamite : Stay home and eat all the freakin' chips, Kip.
Kip : Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes
all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.
Napoleon Dynamite : Since when, Kip? You have the worst reflexes of all
Kip : Try and hit me, Napoleon.
Napoleon Dynamite : What?
Kip : I said come down here and see what happens if you try and hit me.

Uncle Rico : So what do you think?
Kip : It's pretty cool, I guess.
Uncle Rico : Ohhhh, man I wish I could go back in time. I'd take state.
Napoleon Dynamite : This is pretty much the worst video ever made.
Kip : Napoleon, like anyone can even know that.
Uncle Rico : You know what, Napoleon? You can leave.
Napoleon Dynamite : You guys are retarded!

Don : Hey, Napoleon. What did you do last summer again?
Napoleon Dynamite : I told you! I spent it with my uncle in Alaska hunting
Don : Did you shoot any?
Napoleon Dynamite : Yes, like 50 of 'em! They kept trying to attack my
cousins, what the heck would you do in a situation like that?
Don : What kind of gun did you use?
Napoleon Dynamite : A freakin' 12-gauge, what do you think?

more later....

11-12-2004, 12:34 AM
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (Which by the way, is my vote for comedy of the year)

Ron Burgundy (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0002071/): The Germans discovered it in 1904, and they called it "San Diego", which in German means "whale's vagina".
Veronica Corningstone (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0000775/) : No, I don't think that is what it means. No, it doesn't mean that.
Ron Burgundy (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0002071/) : I don't know. I was just trying to impress you. I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. The translation was lost hundreds of years ago.
Veronica Corningstone (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0000775/) : Doesn't it mean "Saint Diego"?
Ron Burgundy (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0002071/) : ...No. No, that isn't it.
Veronica Corningstone (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0000775/) : No, I'm pretty sure that's what it means.
Ron Burgundy (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0002071/) : Agree to disagree.

Ron Burgundy (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0002071/): I'm going to punch you in the ovary, right in the babymaker.

Veronica Corningstone (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0000775/): For Channel 4 News, I'm Veronica Corningstone. Thanks for stopping by.
Ron Burgundy (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0002071/) : And I'm Ron Burgundy. Go f**k yourself, San Diego.

Ron Burgundy (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0002071/) : Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast!
Champ Kind (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0462712/) : It jumped up a notch!
Ron Burgundy (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0002071/) : It did, didn't it?
Brick Tamland (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0136797/) : Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart!
Ron Burgundy (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0002071/) : I saw that! Brick killed a guy! Did you throw a trident?
Brick Tamland (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0136797/) : Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident!
Ron Burgundy (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0002071/) : Brick, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safehouse or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.

Veronica Corningstone (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0000775/): Mr. Burgundy, I am a professional and I'd appreciate it if you stopped acting like a baby!
Ron Burgundy (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0002071/) : I'm not a baby, I'm a MAN, I am an ANCHORMAN!
Veronica Corningstone (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0000775/) : You, Ron, are a BIG, FAT JOKE!
Ron Burgundy (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0002071/) : I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and braun. That's what kind of man I am. Your just a woman with a brain a third the size of us men. It's science.

Announcer (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm1641952/): Now it's time for the Channel 4 news team, with 5 time Emmy-winning anchorman Ron Burgundy and Tits McGee!
Veronica Corningstone (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0000775/) : Good evening, I'm Veronica Corningstone; Tits McGee is on vacation.
Ron Burgundy (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0002071/) : And I'm Tits... I'm Ron Burgundy.

Brick Tamland (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0136797/): Where'd you get those suits from, the... toilet store?

Brick Tamland (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0136797/): I love... carpet.
Brick Tamland (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0136797/) : I love... desk.
Ron Burgundy (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0002071/) : Brick, are you just looking at things in the office and saying that you love them?
Brick Tamland (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0136797/) : I love lamp.
Ron Burgundy (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0002071/) : Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying it because you saw it?
Brick Tamland (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0136797/) : I love lamp! I love lamp.

Brick Tamland (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0136797/): I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late. I enjoy ice cream and a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me I have an I.Q. of 48 and that I am considered mentally retarded.

Wes Mantooth (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0000681/): What are you doing on our stations turf, Burgundy? You're about to get a serious beatdown.
Champ Kind (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0462712/) : I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother Dorothy Mantooth out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again.
Wes Mantooth (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0000681/) : Dorothy Mantooth is a saint! You understand me? Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!
Ron Burgundy (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0002071/) : Hey, leave the mothers out of this - all right?; it's unnecessary. Besides, I'm sure Wes here is just upset over finishing second in the ratings again.

Brian Fantana (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0748620/): So the team pancake breakfast is tomorrow morning at nine, instead of eight.
Ron Burgundy (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0002071/) : Oop... I almost forgot. I won't be able to make it fellas. Veronica and I trying this new fad called uh, "jogging". I believe it's "jogging" or "yogging". it might be a soft "j". I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild.

Brian Fantana (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0748620/): People call me the Bry man; I'm the stylish one of the group. I know what your asking yourself and the answer is yes. I have a nick name for my penis. Its called the octagon, but I also nick name my testie's my left one is James Wesfall and my right one is Doctor Kenneth Noise water. You ladies play your cards right you just might get to meet the whole gang.

Ron Burgundy (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0002071/): You losers have been in 3rd place for 5 years.
Frank Vitchard (http://us.vdc.imdb.com/name/nm0005561/) : OH YEA? Well you about to be in... dead place

11-12-2004, 01:04 PM
Johnny Dangerously:

Moronie: I would like to direct this to the distinguished members of the panel. You lousy cork-suckers. You have violated my fargin' rights. This suminonbatching country was founded so that the liberties of common patriotic citizens, like me, could not be taken away by a bunch of fargin' ice holes, like yourselves.

11-13-2004, 05:06 PM
National Lampoon's Vacation:

Clark W. Griswold: I think you're all (expletive) in the head. We're ten hours from the (expletive) fun park, and you wanna bail out! Well, I'll tell you something, this is no longer a vacation . . . it's a quest! It's a quest for fun! I'm gonna have fun, and you're gonna have fun! We're all gonna have so much (expletive) fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our Goddamn smiles! You'll be whistling Zip-a-dee-doo-da out of your a**holes! I've got to be crazy! I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose! Praise Marty Moose

11-15-2004, 10:13 AM

Jack Napier: Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?

Red Leader
11-15-2004, 10:24 AM
The Waterboy:

Lawrence Taylor: Which brings me to my second point, kids. Don't do crack.

11-15-2004, 11:49 AM
Austin Powers: The Spy who Shagged Me:

Dr. Evil: "You're not quite evil enough. You're semi-evil. You're quasi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil, just one calorie, not evil enough."

11-15-2004, 12:20 PM

William Wallace: "And if this is my army, why does it go?"
Soldier: "We didn't come here to die for them!"
Second Soldier: "Home, the English are too many."
William Wallace: "I see a whole army of my country men, here, in defiance of tyranny. What will you do without freedom? Will you fight?"
Soldier: "Against that? No, we will run, and we will live. "
William Wallace: "Aye, fight and you may die, run, and you'll live...at least a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin' to trade all of that from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take away our lives, but they'll never take our freeeedoooomm!"

11-15-2004, 12:57 PM
From Cheers:

Woody: How's it going Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Its a dog eat dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing milkbone underwear.

11-15-2004, 01:26 PM
Woody: "Whats shakin Mr. Peterson?"
Norm: "Four cheeks and a couple of chins."

11-15-2004, 03:10 PM

Quint: "The thing about a shark, it's got lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When it comes at you it doesn't seem to be livin'... Until he bites you, and those black eyes roll over white."

11-15-2004, 06:16 PM
A Fish Called Wanda:

"We did not lose Vietnam! It was a tie!"

11-16-2004, 10:55 AM
Kyle: Let me have some more candy Cartman.
Eric Cartman: Let's see, hmm, I don't have any Jewish candy.
Kyle: Fine! Like you really need more, fat boy!

11-16-2004, 02:48 PM
History of the World, Part I:

Dole Office Clerk: Occupation?
Comicus: Stand up philosopher.
Dole Office Clerk: What?
Comicus: Stand up philosopher. I coalesce the vapors of human existence into a viable and meaningful comprehension.
Dole Office Clerk: Oh, a BULL**** artist!

11-16-2004, 03:19 PM
Homer J. Simpson: "Mmmmmmm, pork fat."

Johnny Footstool
11-16-2004, 03:29 PM
More Homer:


"Mmmm...free goo."

"Mmmm...invisible cola."

"Mmmm...forbidden donut."

And my favorite:

Golf pro Tom Watson: "Homer, you've got to use an open-faced club, like a sand wedge."
Homer: "Mmmm...open-faced club sandwich."

Chip R
11-16-2004, 03:33 PM
Smithers: People like dogs, Mr. Burns.

Burns: Nonsense. Dogs are idiots! Think about it, Smithers.
If I came into your house and started sniffing at your
crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would
you say?

Smithers: ... If you did it, sir?

11-16-2004, 03:37 PM
Bull Durham:

Crash Davis: "Nuke's scared because his eyelids are jammed and his old-man is here. We need a live roost . . . was it a live rooster? We need a live rooster to take the curse off Jose's glove. And, nobody seems to know what to give Millie or Jimmy for their wedding present. Is that about right? We are dealing with a lot of ****."
Larry: "Candlesticks always make a nice gift. And, maybe you can find out where she's registered, maybe a place setting, or maybe a silverware pattern is good."

11-16-2004, 04:34 PM
Dumb and Dumber:

Lloyd: When I met Mary, I got that old fashioned romantic feeling, where I'd do anything to bone her.
Harry: That's a special feeling.

11-16-2004, 04:37 PM

Brick Tamland : Where'd you guys get your clothes? The toilet....store?

11-16-2004, 04:39 PM
Animal House:

Bluto: My advice to you is to drink heavily.
Otter: You better listen to him. He's pre-med.

11-16-2004, 04:43 PM
Harry Block- Great Googa-mooga!!!!


11-16-2004, 05:09 PM
Animal House:

Bluto: They took the bar. The whole {expletive} bar!

11-17-2004, 12:07 AM
Better Off Dead:

"Ahhh, that's a damn shame when folks be throwin' away a perfectly good white boy, like that."

11-17-2004, 12:08 AM
"I want my two dollars....TWO dollars......"

11-17-2004, 10:34 AM
Groundhog Day:

Rita: Why would anybody want to steal a groundhog?
Larry: I can think of a couple of reasons... the pervert!

11-17-2004, 11:52 AM

"Coughlin's law: all things end badly, or else they wouldn't end."

11-17-2004, 02:53 PM
Dirty Harry:

Harry Callahan: I know what you're thinking. Did he fire six shots or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I've kinda lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya punk?

11-17-2004, 03:51 PM
Hot Shots:

Topper Harley: Playing to lose is like sleeping with your sister. Sure she's a great piece of tail with a blouse full of goodies, but it's just illegal. Then you get into that whole inbred thing. Kids with no teeth who do nothing but play the banjo... eat apple sauce through a straw... pork farm animals

Chip R
11-18-2004, 09:39 AM
Looks like the American Film Institute is reading RedsZone. ;)


AFI Takes on Movie Quotes With New List


LOS ANGELES - Humphrey Bogart, Arnold Schwarzenegger (news - web sites) and Jack Nicholson are competing in a war of words. The American Film Institute (news - web sites) is surveying Hollywood types for the top 100 quotes from U.S. movies, with contenders including Bogart's "Here's looking at you, kid" from "Casablanca," Schwarzenegger's "I'll be back" from "The Terminator" and Nicholson's "You can't handle the truth!" from "A Few Good Men."

Chosen from 400 classic lines of dialogue, the winners will be revealed in the CBS special "AFI's 100 Years ... 100 Movie Quotes" in June.

"Great movie quotes become part of our cultural vocabulary," said Jean Picker Firstenburg, AFI director.

The top 100 will be chosen through ballots sent to 1,500 directors, screenwriters, actors, critics and others in the film business.

Other contending quotes include Clark Gable's "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn" from "Gone With the Wind," Mae West's "Why don't you come up and see me?" from "She Done Him Wrong," Tom Hanks (news)' "Houston, we have a problem" from "Apollo 13," Cuba Gooding Jr.'s "Show me the money" from "Jerry Maguire" and the "Star Wars" gang's "May the Force be with you."

The quotes range from the first full sound feature film with Al Jolson (news)'s "Wait a minute, wait a minute. You ain't heard nothin' yet" from 1927's "The Jazz Singer" to creepy creature Gollum (Andy Serkis) hissing "My precious" in 2002's "The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers."

The TV special is the eighth top-100 list for the AFI, whose previous specials included best U.S. films, comedies, love stories, movie tunes and heroes and villains.

"Casablanca," which was No. 1 on AFI's list of best love stories and ranked second on the list of top overall films, leads the competition with seven quotes among the 400 nominees, followed by "The Wizard of Oz" with six.

Bogart has the most quotes on the ballot with 10, followed by Al Pacino and the Marx Brothers with six each. Billy Wilder leads screenwriters with 13 nominated quotes.

11-18-2004, 10:28 AM
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest:

McMurphy: Get out of my way son, you're usin' my oxygen

11-18-2004, 11:23 AM
History of the World:

Marcus Vindictus: What bait must I use to catch your love? I am your servant.
Empress Nympho: Ah, but the servant waits, while the master baits.

11-18-2004, 11:26 AM
More from History Of The World


"Stand-up Philosopher!"

"Oh! A Bull****er! Did you bull**** last week?"


"Did you try to bull**** last week?'


11-18-2004, 11:32 AM
Krono - if you read this page, not even the whole thread, just this page, you'd see that quote is already on here!!!!

Come on K-Man - get your head in the game!!!!!! ;)

11-18-2004, 11:33 AM
Damn! :dflynn:

I did look for it

I'll do better next time coach :D

11-18-2004, 12:33 PM
Officer and a Gentlemen:

"Only two things come from Oklahoma. Steers and Queers. I don't see no horns on you. So which is it. Are you a steer or a queer?"

11-18-2004, 12:53 PM

"I'll be back"

11-18-2004, 12:54 PM

"Hasta la vista, baby"

11-18-2004, 12:54 PM

Jesse "The Body" Ventura: "Ain't got time to bleed"

11-18-2004, 12:55 PM
More Predator:

"If it bleeds, we can kill it"

11-18-2004, 01:33 PM

Arnold: "I'm pregnant??"

11-18-2004, 02:50 PM
Old School:

Beanie: Well why don't you give me your number in case anything happens to my wife.

Red Leader
11-18-2004, 02:55 PM

Buddy: "This place reminds me of Santa's workshop. Except it smells like mushrooms and everyone looks like they want to hurt me."

11-18-2004, 05:03 PM

Randal Graves: Which did you like better? "Jedi" or "The Empire Strikes Back"?
Dante Hicks: "Empire".
Randal Graves: Blasphemy!
Dante Hicks: "Empire" had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets

11-18-2004, 06:11 PM
Monty Python and the Holy Grail:

Arthur: I am your king!
Woman: Well I didn't vote for you!
Arthur: You don't vote for kings.
Woman: Well how'd you become king then?
[Angelic music plays...]
Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king!
Dennis: [interrupting] Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!

11-19-2004, 07:30 PM
South Park

Towelie: Wanna get high?

11-20-2004, 03:53 AM

Coach Roy Brackett: We could put up wanted posters all over school: Have you seen this prick? Report immediately to Beula Balbricker. Do not attempt to apprehend this prick, as it is armed and dangerous. It was last seen hanging out in the girls' locker room at Angel Beach High School

11-20-2004, 08:04 PM
South Park:

Cartman: "I've been chowing on this box all day and I still don't feel like a lesbian."

11-20-2004, 09:23 PM
Holy crap! I need to break the Puffy zone.


"Leave the gun, take the cannoli."

11-21-2004, 12:18 AM
Holy crap! I need to break the Puffy zone.


"Leave the gun, take the cannoli."

Already used that one - man, you guys have to read the thread before posting these!!! :devil:

11-21-2004, 04:12 PM
"An intellectual carrot. The mind boggles."- Ned Scott, The Thing From Another World

11-21-2004, 04:12 PM
"I dunno what the Hell is in there, but it's wierd and pissed off, whatever it is."- Clark, The Thing

11-21-2004, 04:13 PM
"But why is the rum gone?"- Jack Sparrow, Pirates Of The Caribbean

11-21-2004, 04:14 PM
"Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass in front of your eyes? 'Cup of tea, cup of tea, almost got shagged, cup of tea?'"- Spike, Buffy The Vampire Slayer

11-21-2004, 04:15 PM
Blake's 7:
"I don't find stupidity amusing."

"I would predict there are far greater mistakes waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."

"It's a question of intelligence - so your opinion has very little relevance."

"I don't know about Auron, but on Earth it's consistered bad manners to take your friends with you when committing suicide"

"I'm not stupid, I'm not expandable and I'm not going"

11-22-2004, 03:46 PM
Tommy Boy:

"Thats when the *****s come in"

11-22-2004, 06:14 PM
Tommy: You know, you can get a good look at a butcher's ass by shoving your head up it but wouldn't you rather take his word for it?

11-23-2004, 10:16 AM
My Cousin Vinny:

Imagine you're a deer. You're prancing around. You get thirsty. You spot a little brook. You put your little deer lips down to the clear water - BAM! A {expletive} bullet rips off part of your head! Your brains are lying on the ground in little bloody pieces. Now I ask you, do you give a {expletive} what kind of pants the son-of-a-***** who shot you was wearing?!

11-23-2004, 10:25 AM
Charles in Charge:

Nicole Eggert: Charles?!?!?!

11-23-2004, 10:52 AM
Good Times:

JJ: Dyno-mite!!!

11-24-2004, 12:02 PM
Dumb and Dumber:

Guy in Diner: "Kick his ass, Sea Bass!"

11-24-2004, 02:58 PM
Lloyd: What do you think the chances are of a girl like me and a guy like you, you know, getting together?
Mary: Ohhhhhhh, not good.
Lloyd: 1 in 10 not good or 1 in 100 not good?
Mary: More like 1 in a million.
Lloyd: (Pause) So your saying there's a chance, yes! Wooooooooo!

11-26-2004, 09:36 PM

Joey: How you doing?

11-29-2004, 02:35 PM
Good Will Hunting:

Skylar: What if I said I wouldn't have sex with you again till I got to meet your friends, what would you say?
Will: It's four-thirty, they're probably still awake.

12-01-2004, 12:39 PM

"These pretzels are making me thristy."

12-02-2004, 10:50 AM
Usual Suspects:

Verbal Kent: "The greatest trick the devil played was convincing people he didn't exist."

12-02-2004, 04:13 PM
Saturday Night Live:

Jim Lehrer: In one word, sum up you candidacy.
George Bush: stratgery.
Jim Lehrer: Ummm, OK. Vice President Gore?
Gore: Lockbox.

12-02-2004, 04:27 PM
More SNL:

George Bush I: A thousand points of light. Just stay the course. A thousand points of light.

George Bush II: I'm not a divider, I'm a unificator.


12-02-2004, 07:18 PM
And a special thanks to chip for this one!

Cartman: "screw you, hippie!"

Chip R
12-02-2004, 07:44 PM
The Shawshank Redemption

Red: (narrating) "In 1966, Andy Dufrense escaped from Shawshank prison, all they found of him was a muddy set of prison clothes, a bar of soap, and an old rock hammer, damn near worn down to the nub. I used to think it would take six-hundred years to tunnel under the wall with it, old Andy did it in less than twenty. Oh Andy loved Geology, I guess it appealed to his meticulous nature, an ice age here, million years of mountain building there, geology is the study of pressure and time. That's all it takes really, pressure, and time. That and a big god-damned poster. Like I said, in prison a man will do anything to keep his mind occupied. It turns out Andy's favorite hobby was totin' his wall through the exercise yard, a handful at a time. I guess after Tommy was killed, he decided he had been here just about long enough. Andy did like he was told, buffed those shoes to a high mirror shine. The guard simply didn't notice, neither did I... I mean, seriously, how often do you really look at a man's shoes? Andy crawled to freedom through five-hundred yards of sh** smelling foulness I can't even imagine, or maybe I just don't want too. Five-Hundred yards... that's the length of five football fields, just shy of half a mile."

Red Leader
12-03-2004, 03:30 PM
For Puffy:

Teen Wolf:

Coach Finstock: There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese.

12-05-2004, 12:09 PM
The Replacements:

"Pain heals, chicks dig scars, and glory last forever."

12-05-2004, 07:42 PM
Coach Norman Dale: You are in the Army. You're in my Army. Everyday between three and five.
Coach Norman Dale: Welcome to Indiana basketball.
Jimmy Chitwood: Oh, and one other thing. I play, coach stays. He goes, I go.
- - -
Just before the big game
Preacher Purl: And David put his hand in the bag and took out a stone and slung it. And it struck the Philistine on the head and he fell to the ground. Amen.
- - -
Opal Fleener: Sun don't shine on the same dog's ass everyday, but, mister you ain't seen a ray of light since you got here.
- - -
Wilbur 'Shooter' Flatch: I know everything there is to know about the greatest game ever invented.
- - -
If he was a stick of gum, I want you to know what flavor he is by the end of the game!
Don't get caught watchin the paint dry.
Coach Norman Dale: You know, in the ten years that I coached, I never met anybody who wanted to win as badly as I did. I'd do anything I had to do to increase my advantage. Anybody who tried to block the pursuit of that advantage, I'd just push 'em out of the way. Didn't matter who they were, or what they were doing. But that was then. You have special talent, a gift. Not the school's, not the townspeople, not the team's, not Myra Fleener's, not mine. It's yours, to do with what you choose. Because that's what I believe, I can tell you this: I don't care if you play on the team or not.
- - -
Jimmy Chitwood: I'll make it.
- - -
Coach Norman Dale: I love you guys.
- - -

12-05-2004, 08:00 PM
Ray Kinsella: Don't we need a catcher?
Shoeless Joe Jackson: Not if you get it near the plate we don't.

Terence Mann: Peace, love, dope. Now get the hell out of here.

The Voice: If you build it, he will come.
- - - -
Terence Mann: Ray, people will come Ray. They'll come to Iowa for reasons they can't even fathom. They'll turn up your driveway not knowing for sure why they're doing it. They'll arrive at your door as innocent as children, longing for the past. Of course, we won't mind if you look around, you'll say. It's only $20 per person. They'll pass over the money without even thinking about it: for it is money they have and peace they lack. And they'll walk out to the bleachers; sit in shirtsleeves on a perfect afternoon. They'll find they have reserved seats somewhere along one of the baselines, where they sat when they were children and cheered their heroes. And they'll watch the game and it'll be as if they dipped themselves in magic waters. The memories will be so thick they'll have to brush them away from their faces. People will come Ray. The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again. Oh... people will come Ray. People will most definitely come.
- - -
Shoeless Joe Jackson: What's with the lights?
Ray Kinsella: Oh, all the stadiums have them now. Even Wrigley Field.
Shoeless Joe Jackson: Makes it harder to see the ball.
Ray Kinsella: Yeah, well, the owners found that more people can attend night games.
Shoeless Joe Jackson: [Shakes his head] Owners.
- - -
Dr. Archibald "Moonlight" Graham: Well, you know I... I never got to bat in the major leagues. I would have liked to have had that chance. Just once. To stare down a big league pitcher. To stare him down, and just as he goes into his windup, wink. Make him think you know something he doesn't. That's what I wish for. Chance to squint at a sky so blue that it hurts your eyes just to look at it. To feel the tingling in your arm as you connect with the ball. To run the bases - stretch a double into a triple, and flop face-first into third, wrap your arms around the bag. That's my wish, Ray Kinsella. That's my wish. And is there enough magic out there in the moonlight to make this dream come true?
- - -
Archie Graham: Hey ump, how 'bout a warning?
Clean-shaven Umpire: Sure, kid. Watch out you don't get killed.
- - -
Ray Kinsella: I bet it's good to be playing again, huh?
Shoeless Joe Jackson: Getting thrown out of baseball was like having part of me amputated. I've heard that old men wake up and scratch itchy legs that been dust for over fifty years. That was me. I'd wake up at night with the smell of the ball park in my nose, the cool of the grass on my feet... The thrill of the grass.
- - -
Ray Kinsella: Hey... Dad?
[John turns]
Ray Kinsella: [choked up] "You wanna have a catch?"
John Kinsella: I'd like that.
- - -
John Kinsella: Is this heaven?
Ray Kinsella: It's Iowa.
John Kinsella: Iowa? I could have sworn this was heaven.
[John starts to walk away]
Ray Kinsella: Is there a heaven?
John Kinsella: Oh yeah. It's the place where dreams come true.
[Ray looks around, seeing his wife playing with their daughter on the porch]
Ray Kinsella: Maybe this is heaven.

---from The Field of Dreams

12-05-2004, 08:12 PM
Coach Boone: Are your parents here?
Bertier: Yes.
Coach Boone: Good.
[nods his head at Gary's mom]
Coach Boone: You take one last good look at her. Cause once you step on that bus you aint got your mama anymore. You got your brothers and you got your daddy. You know who your daddy is, doncha? Gary, if you want to play on this football team, you answer me when I ask you who is your daddy? Who's your daddy, Gary? Who's your daddy?
Bertier: You.
Coach Boone: And who's team is this, Gary?
Bertier: Yours.
Coach Boone: This is no democracy. It is a dictatorship. I am the law.
- - -
Coach Boone: This is where they fought the battle of Gettysburg. Fifty thousand men died right here on this field, fighting the same fight that we are still fighting among ourselves today. This green field right here, painted red, bubblin' with the blood of young boys. Smoke and hot lead pouring right through their bodies. Listen to their souls, men. I killed my brother with malice in my heart. Hatred destroyed my family. You listen, and you take a lesson from the dead. If we don't come together right now on this hallowed ground, we too will be destroyed, just like they were. I don't care if you like each other of not, but you will respect each other. And maybe... I don't know, maybe we'll learn to play this game like men.
- - -

[Julius visits Gerry in the hospital]
Nurse: Only kin's allowed in here.
Bertier: Alice, are you blind? Don't you see the family resemblance? That's my brother.
- - -
Bertier: Left side!
Big Ju: Strong Side!
Bertier: Left side!
Big Ju: Strong Side!
Bertier: Left side!
Big Ju: Strong Side!
- - -
Petey Jones: Hey, hey, Lastik man what happened to you?
Louie Lastik: [holding back, in fake pain] Man I just gave your momma a piggy-back ride and she weighs twice as much as I do!
Petey Jones: That ain't funny!
- - -
Coach Yoast: You make sure they remember, FOREVER, the night they played the Titans!
- - -
Coach Boone: According to Greek mythology, the Titans were greater even than the gods. They ruled their universe with absolute power! Well that football field out there tonight, that's our universe. Let's rule it like Titans!
- - -
Older Sheryl: People say that it can't work, black and white; well here we make it work, everyday. We have our disagreements, of course, but before we reach for hate, always, always, we remember the Titans.
- - -
from "Remember the Titans"

12-06-2004, 01:28 PM
Beverly Hills Cop:

Axel Foley: Tell Victor that Ramon---the fella he met about a week ago?---tell him that Ramon went to the clinic today, and I found out that I have, um, herpes simplex 10, and I think Victor should go check himself out with his physician to make sure everything is fine before things start falling off on the man.

12-06-2004, 02:46 PM
Nursing Home Orderly-"Listen up everybody, I've got good news, we're extending arts and crafts time by 4 hours today."

Old Woman-"My fingers hurt."

Orderly-"Excuse me?"

Old Woman-"My fingers hurt."

Orderly-"Well, now your back is gonna hurt because you just pulled landscaping duty...Anyone else's fingers hurt? I didn't think so. Why do you do that? Huh? What do you embarrass me like that? AH Mr. Gilmore"...

Ben Stiller from Happy Gilmore

12-07-2004, 10:44 AM

Hi, my name is George. I'm unemployed, and I live with my parents

12-07-2004, 11:19 AM
Austin Powers:

Alotta Fagina: "how dare you break wind in front of me!"
Austin: "I'm sorry baby, I didn't know it was your turn"

12-07-2004, 02:38 PM
Jerry Mcguire:

"You had me at hello"

12-07-2004, 02:38 PM
Top Gun:

"Goose, ya big stud! Take me to bed or lose me forever!"

12-07-2004, 02:39 PM
Top Gun:

"Maverick, you can be my wingman anytime"

Red Leader
12-07-2004, 02:39 PM
Sixteen Candles:

No more yankie my wankie, the Donger need food.

12-07-2004, 04:34 PM
South Park:

Billy Baldwin: [Answers the phone] Baldwin residence. No, this is Billy Baldwin. If you want Daniel Baldwin call his extension, stupid! [hangs up the phone] Hey Alec, you know what sucks about being a Baldwin?
Alec Baldwin: No, what?
Billy Baldwin: Nothing!

12-07-2004, 05:43 PM
Rocky II, III, IV and v

Adrian: "You can't win, Rock"

Red Leader
12-08-2004, 11:30 AM
True Romance:

Floyd: Don't condescend me, man. I'll <expletive>' kill ya, man.

Red Leader
12-08-2004, 11:31 AM
True Romance:

Vincenzo Coccotti: We're gonna have a little Q&A, and at the risk of sounding redundant, please... make your answers genuine.

Vincenzo Coccotti: ...your son, the cowboy, it's claimed, came in the room blazin', and didn't stop 'till they were pretty sure everybody was dead.

Clifford Worley: What are you talkin' about?

Vincenzo Coccotti: Talkin' about a massacre. They snatched my narcotics, hightailed it outta there. Woulda got away with it, but your son, <expletive>head that he is, left his driver's license in a dead guy's hand.

Clifford Worley: You know, I don't believe you.

Coccotti: That's of minor importance. What is of major <expletive> importance is that I believe you.

Clifford Worley: Who are you?

Coccotti: The Anti-Christ. You got me in a vendetta kind of mood. You tell the angels in heaven you never seen evil so singularly personified as you did in the face of the man who killed you. My name is Vincent Coccotti. I work as counsel for Mr. Blue Lou Boyle, the man your son stole from. I hear you were once a cop so I can assume you've heard of us before. Am I correct?

Clifford Worley: I've heard of Blue Lou Boyle.

Vincenzo Coccotti: Glad.

Clifford Worley: I haven't seen Clarence.
Holding a clenched fist, then striking Clifford

Coccotti: Now, what we got here is a little game of show and tell. You don't wanna show me nothing but you're telling me everything.

Clifford Worley: You're Sicilian, huh?

Coccotti: Yeah, Sicilian.

Clifford Worley: Ya know, I read a lot. Especially about things... about history. I find that <expletive> fascinating. Here's a fact I don't know whether you know or not. Sicilians were spawned by <expletive>.

Coccotti: Come again?

Clifford Worley: It's a fact. Yeah. You see, uh, Sicilians have, uh, black blood pumpin' through their hearts. Hey, no, if eh, if eh, if you don't believe me, uh, you can look it up. Hundreds and hundreds of years ago, uh, you see, uh, the Moors conquered Sicily. And the Moors are <expletive>.

Coccotti: Yes...

Coccotti busts out laughing


Starts laughing, too

all laugh

Vincenzo Coccotti: Ohhh!

motioning with his hand three times

Vincenzo Coccotti: You're a cantaloupe

Coccotti: I haven't killed anybody... since 1984. Go to this comedian's son's apartment, come back with something tells me where that <expletive> went. Soon as I can wipe this egg off my face. Finish this <expletive> up family for good.

12-10-2004, 10:02 PM
Family Guy:

Brian: Who buys a gag fire extinguisher anyway??
Peter: I'll tell you who - someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his family in jeopardy, thats who!

12-11-2004, 05:13 PM
Westley to Fezzik in "The Princess Bride":

"I don't envy you the headache you'll have when you awake. But in the meantime, rest well, and dream of large women."


12-11-2004, 05:30 PM
"You will always remember this day as the day you almost caught Captain Jack
Sparrow." -Jack from "Pirates of the Caribbean"

12-11-2004, 09:48 PM

"Not that there's anything wrong with that"

12-13-2004, 10:35 AM
Revenge of The Nerds:

"No one will ever be free until nerd persecution ends."

Red Leader
12-13-2004, 10:42 AM
Christmas Vacation:

Todd and Margo Chester, the Griswold's yuppie neighbors, appear]
Todd: Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?
Clark: Bend over and I'll show you.
Todd: You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold.
Clark: I wasn't talking to you.

Red Leader
12-13-2004, 10:44 AM
Christmas Vacation:

Eddie: I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.

Clark: Do you really think it matters, Eddie?

Red Leader
12-13-2004, 10:46 AM
Christmas Vacation:

Clark: Hey, Kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa's sleigh on it's way in from New York City.

Eddie: [after a pause] You serious, Clark?

12-13-2004, 11:03 AM
Christmas Vacation

Eddie: Everytime Catherine turns on the microwave I piss myself and forget who I am for 5 minutes.

12-13-2004, 11:05 AM
South Park:

Butters: Don't fly too close to the sun or your wings will melt and you fall into the ocean.
Stan: *** dammit, Butters.

Johnny Footstool
12-13-2004, 12:23 PM
Alotta Fagina: "how dare you break wind in front of me!"
Austin: "I'm sorry baby, I didn't know it was your turn"

It should be "How dare you break wind before me!"

12-13-2004, 12:26 PM
"OK, then."

Raising Arizona

12-13-2004, 12:39 PM
Dr. Evil: You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that cannot be done. Ah, would you remind me what I pay you people for, honestly? Throw me a bone here! What do we have?
Number Two: Sea Bass.
Dr. Evil: pause Right.
Number Two: They're mutated sea bass.
Dr. Evil: Are they ill tempered?
Number Two: Absolutely.
Dr. Evil: Oh well, that's a start.

12-14-2004, 10:21 AM
Pulp Fiction:

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish, and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger, those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers, and you will know my name is The Lord, when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

12-14-2004, 10:45 AM
Billy Madison:

Old Woman: "If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis."

12-15-2004, 11:08 AM

Coach: Hey Norm, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
Norm: Yup, now lets get Joe Beer nipping at my liver.

12-15-2004, 04:35 PM
The Freshman:

"There's a certain freedom in being totally screwed, because nothing you do can make it worse."

12-17-2004, 09:48 AM
Let me explain something to you. Um, I am not "Mr. Lebowski." You're Mr. Lebowski. I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. You know, that or, uh... His Dudeness, or uh... Duder... or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing.

12-17-2004, 11:42 PM

I married an ugly woman. Don't ever do that. It takes the life right out of you.

12-20-2004, 09:28 AM
"The details of my life are inconsequential. My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15 year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark. Sometimes, he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy -the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insame lament. My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the Spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard really."

12-21-2004, 11:03 AM
Major league:

Vaughn: What's that crap on your chest?
Harris: [wiping his finger across his chest] Crisco, [wiping it across his waist line] Bardol, [wiping it along his head] Vagisil. Any one of them will give you another two to three inches drop on your curve ball. Of course if the umps are watching me real close I'll rub a little jalapeŮo up my nose, get it runnin', and if I need to load the ball up just wipe my nose.
Vaughn: You put snot on the ball?
Harris: I haven't got an arm like you, kid. I have to put anything on it I can find.

Red Leader
12-21-2004, 11:08 AM

This place reminds me of Santa's workshop, only it smells like mushrooms and everyone wants to hurt me.

12-22-2004, 10:53 AM
Officer Barbrady: You can't call Shenniganns on somebody without proof. Thats how wars get started.

Red Leader
12-22-2004, 10:56 AM
Redszone, the movie:

Puffy: I loathe the Randa signing.

12-22-2004, 11:04 AM
Redszone, the movie:

Puffy: I loathe the Randa signing.

Redszone, the Movie, starring Brad Pitt as Puffy and Curtis Armstrong (Booger from Revenge of the Nerds) as Red leader.

Red Leader
12-22-2004, 11:08 AM
Redszone, the Movie, starring Brad Pitt as Puffy and Curtis Armstrong (Booger from Revenge of the Nerds) as Red leader.

Coming to a threatre near you:


12-22-2004, 11:12 AM
And on that note - - Risky Business

"Sometimes you gotta say "What the {expletive}'"

12-25-2004, 01:16 PM

George: "For I am Costanza, LORD.....OF THE IDIOTS."

12-28-2004, 10:01 AM
Fast Times at Ridgemont High:

Spicoli: People on ludes should not drive.

12-28-2004, 12:15 PM
Kindergarten Cop:

"Its not a tuma"

Red Leader
12-28-2004, 12:36 PM
Fast Times At Ridgemont High:

Brad: Hey, you guys had shirts on when you came in here."?

Spicolli: Well sumptin' happened to 'em man."?

Brad: Come on Spicolli, just put the shirts back on. See that sign?"?

Three Guys: No shirt, no shoes, no dice, hahahahah."?

Brad: Right, learn it, know it, live it.

Spicolli: He's the full hot orator.

Red Leader
12-28-2004, 12:37 PM
Fast Times at Ridgemont High:

Ray Walston as Mr. Hand: Mr. Spicolli."?

Sean Penn as Jeff Spicoli: Thats the name they gave me."?

Mr. Hand: rip, rip, rip"?

Spicolli: Hey your ripping my card."?

Mr. Hand: Yeah."?

Spicolli: Hey bud what's your problem?"?

Mr. Hand: No problem at all. I think you know where the front office is."?

Spicolli: You dick!

Red Leader
12-28-2004, 12:38 PM
Fast Times at Ridgemont High:

Spicolli: Hey, I know that dude

Red Leader
12-28-2004, 12:39 PM
Fast Times at Ridgemont High:

Spicolli: I'm so wasted

12-28-2004, 12:40 PM
Puffy, upon seeing the following scene: "duhhhhh"


Red Leader
12-28-2004, 12:41 PM
Fast Times at Ridgemont High:

Brad: Jesus, doesn't anyone knock anymore?

Red Leader
12-28-2004, 12:41 PM
Fast Times at Ridgemont High:

Jeff Spicoli: This is U.S. History, I see the globe right there

12-28-2004, 02:56 PM
Uncle Buck:

Miles: So your my father's brother?
Buck: Yup
Miles: Are you married?
Buck: Nope
Miles: Why?
Buck: Its a long story.
Miles: Do you have any kids?
Buck: Nope.
Miles: Why?
Buck: Its an even longer story. Whats your record for consecutive questions?
Miles: 37. You have much more nose hair then my father.
Buck: how nice of you to notice.
Miles: I'm a kid, its my job.

12-29-2004, 01:59 PM

"I am not a baby, I'm a man! I'm an anchorman! I'm a man who invented the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of iron and brawn!"

12-29-2004, 02:58 PM
The rules

Them clothes got laundry numbers on 'em. You remember your number, and always wear the ones that has your number. Any man forgets his number spends a night in the box.

These here spoons you keep with ya. Any man loses his spoon spends a night in the box.

There's no playin' grab-ass or fightin' in the buildin'. You got a grudge against another man, you fight him Saturday afternoon. Any man playin' grab-ass or fightin' in the buildin' spends a night in the box.

First bell is at five minutes of eight, when you will get in your bunk. Last bell is at eight. Any man not in his bunk at eight spends a night in the box.

There is no smokin' in bed in the prone position. To smoke, you must have both legs over the side of your bunk. Any man caught smokin' in bed in the prone position spends a night in the box.

You get two sheets. Every Saturday, you put the clean sheet on the top, the top sheet on the bottom. The bottom sheet you turn in to the laundry boy. Any man turns in the wrong sheet spends a night in the box.

No one will sit on the bunks with dirty pants on. Any man with dirty pants on sittin' on the bunks spends a night in the box.

Any man don't bring back his empty pop bottle spends a night in the box.

Any man loud talkin' spends a night in the box.

You got questions, you come to me. I'm Carr, the floor-walker. I'm responsible order in here. Any man don't keep order spends a night in the box.

Carr, the floor-walker.

12-29-2004, 03:05 PM

Red Leader
03-04-2005, 05:13 PM

Dark Helmet: Well, are we stopped?........Smoke if ya got 'em.

03-04-2005, 06:15 PM
Its back!!

03-04-2005, 07:07 PM
Maybe you should put some shorts on or something, if you wanna keep fighting evil today. |

03-04-2005, 07:09 PM
Its back!!

Razor Shines
08-17-2006, 03:44 AM
Christmas Vacation
Clark: Can I get you anything Eddie?
Eddie: No
Clark: Refill your egg-nog? Drive you out to the middle of no-where, leave you for dead?
Eddie: No, I'm fine Clark.

Kruger: Well you'd better have a pretty good explanation for why you gave me a fake Christmas gift.
George: I don't celebrate Christmas and I thought I'd be persecuted for my beliefs. I celebrate Festivus.
Kruger: Feminist?
George: Festivus. And I can prove it if I have to.

I wasn't around when this thread was in it's prime. I thought some other newer people would get some enjoyment out of it also. Let it not be said that Razor Shines doesn't use the search feature.

08-17-2006, 09:04 AM
Scene from the Clay family dinner table:

Diceman's Mother: "Well, Andrew...did you learn anything new at school today?"
Young Diceman: "Sure, ma. Lincoln freed the slaves...oh yeah--and JoAnn Carter don't wear noooo panties."
Diceman's Father: "Ah-ah-aahhhh...You mean, 'DOESN'T wear no panties."
Young Diceman: "Hey--you noticed too, Pop?"

Razor Shines
08-17-2006, 11:06 AM
Arrested Development

Michael: Are you perfoming with the Blue Man Group tonight?
Tobias: (Covered in blue paint) No, No I'm not actually in the Blue Man Group Yet, I'm afraid I just blue myself.
Michael: There's got to be a better way to say that.