GAC
01-13-2005, 09:35 AM
A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
The husband says, "Oh, my God! Really? What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out."
--------------------------------------------------------
Why condoms are packed 3, 6, 12 to a box?
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to
walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and asks, Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys.One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men." the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"
---------------------------------------------------------
Richard Johnson went to interview for a Federal job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
"Yes, I served two tours in Afghanistan."
"Good, that counts in your favour. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"
"I am 100% disabled. A mortar round blew off my testicles so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."
"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we'll get you started."
"If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"
"Well, this is a government organization. We don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of you coming in for that."
--------------------------------------------------------------
You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the
dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying,
"Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house
exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
-----------------------------------------------------
6th Grade Question
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class," Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued,
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say
(1) You have a dirty mind.
(2) You didn't read your homework.
(3) And one day, when you're older, you are going to be very, very disappointed."
The husband says, "Oh, my God! Really? What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out."
--------------------------------------------------------
Why condoms are packed 3, 6, 12 to a box?
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to
walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and asks, Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys.One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men." the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"
---------------------------------------------------------
Richard Johnson went to interview for a Federal job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
"Yes, I served two tours in Afghanistan."
"Good, that counts in your favour. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"
"I am 100% disabled. A mortar round blew off my testicles so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."
"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we'll get you started."
"If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"
"Well, this is a government organization. We don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of you coming in for that."
--------------------------------------------------------------
You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the
dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying,
"Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house
exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
-----------------------------------------------------
6th Grade Question
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class," Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued,
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say
(1) You have a dirty mind.
(2) You didn't read your homework.
(3) And one day, when you're older, you are going to be very, very disappointed."