Originally Posted by
Wonderful Monds
Not having the greatest night with this stuff. I’ve been kind of mindlessly browsing tinder and other apps like that to distract myself from what’s been going on lately in my life, and unfortunately I came across my friend’s profile I mentioned in my first post about this. It’s kind of re-sparked a lot of the really intense negative feelings I had right away when this all went down a couple weeks ago.
It’s just kind of a huge punch in the gut that she’s out there looking for someone in the first place, and I that I don’t feel like I measure up to what she wants.
I think I mentioned it already, but I have an attachment disorder, and this particular friend of mine I have feelings for, I’ve had these feelings for over a decade at this point. She’s the first person I ever dated and was a close friend off and on for quite a long time. Like trying to grapple that she doesn’t feel the way about me that I feel about her feels devastating, at the risk of sounding super melodramatic, it feels like it’s going to kill me. I’ve had a lot of pain over feelings like this in my life, but after my ex-girlfriend breaking up with me that I’ve talked about on here before, this is the the most painful it’s ever been.
I’ve been drinking from the time I wake up until I fall asleep at night pretty much every single day for the last 2 weeks. Most days I hope I don’t wake up the next morning.
Anyway. I have therapy tomorrow, which I’m really looking forward to. But man I’m having a really goddamn hard time right now.