Just popping in from hibernation just to check in, and offer an extremely belated update on the subject that started this thread originally.

Iíve been struggling with all the various mental health crises that have hit me over the last handful of months, starting with the therapist issue. Iíve gone through a handful since then. Currently seeing 2 as like an intensive treatment option. Iíve been though like 10 since June.

Anyway, I was feeling pretty hopeless about the situation with my former therapist and my worried about resolving that some day. And just about life and relationships in general.

I had not checked my ex this thread is based on social media or anything in the last 7 years because I was afraid of I would find. I was so deathly afraid I wouldnít even scroll down too far in my Facebook/Instagram chat lists because I was so scared to see she had a new married name.

Anyway, with all the grief and stuff Iíve been feeling, idk what happened, I was feeling lonely and hopeless and felt like I needed some reassurance about my ex, so after all these years I cracked. I saw her name was still the same, so I felt relief for a second. So I decided to actually look because Iíve been curious for years what sheís been up to and just missing her in general.

It was a mistake, because the first picture was of her wedding back in May. She is in fact married. She just kept her name is all.

During the time I worked with that therapist I was with for 6 years until June, that I started seeing over this very breakup, one of the most recurring themes was that for all the things we worked on, I still needed to hang onto hope that someday I could reach out to her and make things right, somehow make myself better that I was worth another chance to be with her and that it would work out one day. Iíve talked for probably tens if not hundreds of hours to my former therapist about how I felt like if I ever found out she was gone for good, I wouldnít be able to keep on going and that would be the line that I wouldnít be able to cross, the straw that broke the camelís back essentially.

Anyway, I found this out 2 weeks ago. Iíve been completely mentally and emotionally shattered ever since. The big crisis with my therapist was bad enough, just as bad as this breakup originally was. And now Iíve hit that point I always told her about that I didnít think I could keep going past. And she was the only therapist thatís ever helped me, especially with this, and I donít have her help.

All of my friends Iíve reached out to for support have all mentioned some form of ďwell marriage doesnít always last foreverÖ.Ē etc. My therapist team has advised me to view it in the sense of ďyou canít predict the future for certain; relationships and marriages do end, people and circumstances change, you canít say for sure that sheís gone forever, itís okay to hang onto a little bit of hope in your back pocket if thatís what you need.Ē Things like that. I guess thatís where Iím at now.

Anyway, Iíve been completely consumed by grief and anguish. The PTSD part of my brain keeps seeing the picture of my wedding and totally freaking out and shutting down and going ďitís not real, itís not real, itís not realĒ because I just literally canít take it.

I guess Iím kicking along for now. But I donít really see a future for myself anymore. Not after everything thatís happened & keeps happening. Iíve held onto to some form of this hope since 2014 to keep me going. I think deep down I really did believe it would work out someday. But nowÖ.yeah. Iíve said it about the other situation; but if you hooked me up to a lie detector and asked me, I would tell you that I donít think Iím going to be here this time next year barring some miraculous change.

So anyway, thatís my update for where Iíve been. Probably going to go back into hibernation for an extended period of time. Just wanted to drop in and let everyone know where Iíve been and whatís up.