I feel so alone - lost my son today

[RedlegJake]

I lost my son today. He was 30. A long battle with cancer and a hard life for one so young. I am alone. I am angry at myself for being so angry with him for some of the things he had done. Now none of his mistakes matter, I;d take them all on again if I could just talk with him one last time. I was in the ICU with him when the docs took him off life support. Slowly but inexorably his vitals ran down until BP read 0/0. I kissed him and told hm I ,oved him and was there, at least, til his final minute. I am alone. So very damn alone, so very damn aching, my sons, his brothers are on their way but won't be home for a few more hours. They told me not let him suffer waiting for them to arrive. I am crying. God I hurt no parent should see their child die before them. Sorry to burden whoever reads but you have become my online friends. Right this moment that;s all I have. I remember the tow headed curly haired imp ,then the rebellious teen who starting drugs and the war between us as he fought them on and off. Then the cancer. He had it whipped we thought. Then 2 weeks ago his belly swelled up and doctors said he was full of cancerous bile, the final stage. He went from 175 ounds f muscle to 80 pounds of skeletal skin. I sat all day at ICU after his wife called. Then the meeting with the medical team. We are torturing him to keep him alive. You have to make a decision. We did, as a family. God forgive me. Sometimes life makes no damn sense at all....

[dabvu2498]

Jake -- So very sorry for your loss. I only know you through this site, but if you're half as good a man in real life as you are here, I'd say you're a hell of a man. I'm sure your son, despite his struggles, saw that and knew how much you loved him.

[RedsfaninMT]

Jake -- So very sorry for your loss. I only know you through this site, but if you're half as good a man in real life as you are here, I'd say you're a hell of a man. I'm sure your son, despite his struggles, saw that and knew how much you loved him.

Very much echoing my thoughts. I posted something on the admin board as well. So very, very sorry Jake.

[dougdirt]

I'm very sorry to hear this Jake. There really aren't words that are going to make you feel better right now, but just know that when you need to talk some more that we are all going to be around to listen.

[RedlegJake]

I just keep thinking how angry I would get at him when he did something dumb. Doug, you read about his gunshot stuff, he was always in a mess like that like he just couldnlt figure out how to not get in trouble. Then this. His whole life was a battle. Even as a kid he had trouble. Right niow I;d go through it all again to talk to him one more time. I am trying to avoid thinking I should have done more but as a dad, I can;t help thinking that. At least I was able to hold his head in my hands and tell him how much I loved him . Watching the monitor drop down point by point - something I will never get over. Thank you guys for listening

[Tom Servo]

Very sorry to hear it Jake. I think of you as one of the finest guys to post here and echo dabvu2498's sentiments. Just know that myself and others are always here to talk and listen.

[RedlegJake]

Thanks for giving a place to pour out some hurt until my sons get here. But I am afraid, too, of that pain. And to console them You know what is odd? To hear the grief and guilt of his brothers who are successful that they succeeded while he struggled so much. To make them understand it was his choices, and theirs, that created that speration to struggle or to succeed. I need all the wisdom I possess and I don;t have a thing.

[Bourgeois Zee]

So sorry for your loss.

[George Anderson]

Sorry for your loss.

I lost my 23 year old niece last month to similar issues. I remind myself when down that she is no longer in pain and is finally in peace.

I will pray for you.

[RedlegJake]

Love with all your heart, without reservation, without regard to behavior you don't like, without regard to slights real or imagined. Because the day comes you would live it all again just to talk with them one last time. Don't say "I will love you if only you will act the way I like" Don't make your loved ones suffer the delusion that love has conditions and they fell short. My god you will regret it

[RedsfaninMT]

Thanks for giving a place to pour out some hurt until my sons get here. But I am afraid, too, of that pain. And to console them You know what is odd? To hear the grief and guilt of his brothers who are successful that they succeeded while he struggled so much. To make them understand it was his choices, and theirs, that created that speration to struggle or to succeed. I need all the wisdom I possess and I don;t have a thing.

I beg to differ. What you just posted shows a great deal of wisdom. I know my situation with MS is entirely different, but my siblings often ask why did it me rather than them? Life deals a strange hand too many times. We all have our demons to slay, and some can simply handle it better or differently than others. Hang in there Jake!

[RedsManRick]

Very sorry to hear about your loss, Jake. We're here for you.

[Larkin Fan]

Jake, I am do very sorry for your loss. There really are no words that can ease the pain but please know that you are in my thoughts.

[klw]

A coworker lost her son to cancer today as well, he was just a bit older than your son. I wish I could say something to either of you other than I am so sorry. Cancer sucks.

[big boy]

Sorry for your loss Jake