Sorry to pigtail off Jake's awful news, but I got a phone call Friday from my very dearest friend telling me his brother, Thane, had just killed himself at age 52. Thane had also became a friend over the years. Thane was seeking help, but just couldn't get where he needed to be. I so wish I could talk to him and tell him how much he meant to me, but it is far too late for that. No, I don't blame myself. It is just an awful loss and a terrible waste.
I have taken part in discussions on this forum of those who have battled similar demons. Get whatever help you can. Get it right now. Know that you matter far more than you ever thought possible to a whole lot more people than you ever realized.