The only thing that ever guided me out of my darkness in failed relationships past was work that was meaningful. Service to others. Volunteering. Buying someone lunch. Tutoring at the library. Bringing someone flowers. Writing to old friends that I’d lost touch with. In essence, kind of emptying out my sense of what I wanted and replacing it with what I can do and be.
It sounds corny, but it’s remarkably therapeutic.
alwaysawarrior (10-20-2020),dfs (10-16-2020),Larkin Fan (10-18-2020),MWM (10-21-2020),Playadlc (10-17-2020),Revering4Blue (10-16-2020),RFS62 (10-16-2020),Roy Tucker (10-18-2020),Wonderful Monds (10-16-2020),WrongVerb (10-16-2020)
Yeah man, I’m definitely interested in pretty much anyone has to offer at this point.Originally Posted by Larry Schuler
I have definitely been on a bunch of dates and I’ve hooked up with plenty of people in my time. After my breakup, I went pretty hard on Tinder and online dating and all that stuff, and I didn’t really have trouble getting dates, but I honestly just didn’t feel any connection or any real attraction to any of the women I went out with. Hopped back on for the first time in a couple years at the start of lockdowns, and I got some matches and stuff but again not with anyone that I felt any actual real attraction towards. I’ve definitely forced myself out there and have forced myself to give people chances and see what’s out there, but I feel like it’s sort of sucked the life out of me at this point.
Something I did that could be helpful was give myself the mission/goal of "sit and be pleasant with a stranger for 30 mins to an 1 hour and try to enjoy that hour" and that's it. No thinking of my past or my future. Literally, just "be a decent dude for an hour, enjoy the time, offer a stranger the opportunity to do the same, and then walk away content."
I thought the lesson I was teaching myself was "if I can succeed for an hour, once, I can try to do it again and, if it works again, try it a third time, etc etc, until I have strung together a relationship with someone" but I actually learned a better lesson by accident.
With a set of blinders on and my brain turned off, I realized that I finally got to see what I'm like around people and I finally got to see what other people are like around me. I learned that the self-protective worry and planning and invention and expectations weren't the air that I needed to breathe and survive–they were the smog and pollution that choked me and clouded my life. It's sad to think "I've never really been myself before" but IMO it's sadder to think "I'm going to continue to confuse the pollution as who I am and never get to be myself."
If I can project or extrapolate my personal experience on to yours, the thing that may activate all the good stuff you listed earlier (healthy, engaged, active, hobbies, interests, etc) is 1) letting go of the idea that your past experiences and your dread about the future define you and 2) really fighting with conviction to meet your true self and share it with others. It's a life long struggle and there's no endpoint but I genuinely believe that those times in your life where you have the clarity of mind to really be yourself are special and impactful, positive things happen during those moments.
This is TMI and this post is long but, back to my own experience, the first time I found a brief flash of that clarity and I was able to be myself, I met my wife within a few weeks. The next time I had it, I finally decided to cut a toxic family member out of my life forever and, within a few months, my relative who was married to that toxic person filed for divorce and they are now thriving, so I believe there is a positive ripple effect on those in your life that you care about. I think it just takes one accidental moment where you see what it's like and feels like to be yourself without all the pain and baggage and you can see that light at the end of the tunnel and, hopefully, try and be open for more of those times.
alwaysawarrior (10-20-2020),dfs (10-16-2020),MWM (10-21-2020),Redsfaithful (10-17-2020),RedsfaninMT (10-17-2020),RFS62 (10-16-2020),Wonderful Monds (10-16-2020)
Monds, stop telling yourself that you aren't worthy.
It sounds like you really believe that you are destined to a life of misery.
If you really believe that, it most certainly will become true.
You have to stop that immediately, just as you would have to stop everything else and tend to a gushing head wound.
A lot of people here are totally engrossed in what we know of your personality, your way with words, what we perceive as your essence. We believe in you, and we see ourselves in our own pasts experiences through your soulful writing. We care about you, and we try hard to think of ways to give you encouragement without hurting your feelings or making things worse.
You are worthy of love. I don't think you believe that. I think you believe quite the opposite, and that core belief influences every single other thing in your life.
Stop that. Don't ask for an explanation about why you should stop it. Just stop it.
You really are committing suicide already. It's just a much slower process, with much more pain.
We'll go down in history as the first society that wouldn't save itself because it wasn't cost effective ~ Kurt Vonnegut
alwaysawarrior (10-20-2020),BuckeyeRed27 (10-17-2020),HammerTime (10-20-2020),Larkin Fan (10-16-2020),MWM (10-21-2020),Playadlc (10-17-2020),Redsfaithful (10-17-2020),Revering4Blue (10-16-2020),westofyou (10-16-2020),Wonderful Monds (10-16-2020)
I don't want to interject if this is not really the case, but have you ever considered that maybe you're aromantic?
Over the past few years I've done some introspection and I really just don't like the mechanics of a relationship. I'm not asexual... I just don't want a relationship and what you say above seems to square with my feelings. No real connection, No real attraction... etc.
Again, just a thought. No worries if it doesn't square with how you feel.
Never married but had a pair of three-year relationships in my 20s that were on the doorstep. I felt like I didn't turn the corner after the breakups until I physically changed my surroundings, once moving to a different part of the country and once moving out of the house we had once shared and into a different neighborhood.
I understand not everyone's circumstances allows them to do that, but having new scenery and being around new people represented a fresh start for me and allowed me to completely bury the old relationships.
"In our sundown perambulations of late, through the outer parts of Brooklyn, we have observed several parties of youngsters playing 'base', a certain game of ball. Let us go forth awhile, and get better air in our lungs. Let us leave our close rooms, the game of ball is glorious"
-Walt Whitman
For me, it was pornhub. Same difference though really.
Falls City Beer (10-18-2020),Rojo (10-18-2020),WrongVerb (10-18-2020)
I have not read all of the posts in the thread, so I apologize if you have already provided this information.....but are you completely over the person who you exited the serious relationship with originally? I only ask because when I got divorced, I wanted to get divorced and never regretted the divorce, but it was not like I was completely over my high school sweetheart that I was married to for over a decade....and I found many of those subsequent relationships void of that "feeling". The females were beautiful, checked all the boxes....but it never felt like this could be something long term, and I even lived with a female for nearly a year. The problem was I still was not fully over and disconnected from my ex-wife. Once I allowed time to take care of those emotions and made more of an effort to disconnect from my ex wife (as much as possible, we have a daughter and 50/50 custody), it made all the difference in the world about how I felt about new relationships.
“The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.”― Marcus Aurelius
the rate and number of women really did not change for me....but that was probably the cause of the divorce.(I am kidding....)
“The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.”― Marcus Aurelius
WrongVerb (10-18-2020)
I agree with this. No matter how prepared you think you are or even if you think you really want it, it is a very difficult process. My advice to any guy getting a divorce is to get a good attorney....even if it hurts the wallet bad....even if she promises you that "you do not need one". It is not about hurting her, it is about protecting you. However you exit the marriage in regards to finances, property, etc. will impact the next phase of your life....and you want the next phase to start on as positive footing as possible. Your primary concern should be in this order...
1. Kids (if you are parents)
2. Yourself
3. There is no #3....she will be looking out for her.
I advise male friends to be fair and to expect the worst. My ex wife and I had always said 50/50 custody of our child...up until a phone call before we received the initial response from her attorney. Boom, she was asking for 100% custody. Later she claimed her lawyer told her to as a starting point of negotiation. She also later told me her attorney tried to get her to claim I mentally abused her and I was "aggressive" towards her. In the end, she never made those false claims, but I am just pointing out that divorce attorneys (especially for the female) can get nasty and are looking for any advantage they can find. It us just part of the process, but always try to remain civil....creating anger and hostility will only make things more difficult on everyone. It is sad, but once you file for divorce, you are no longer on the same team....so be careful about any action or communication you have with her until it is finalized. I have seen guys cost themselves by allowing themselves to be somewhat "setup"....like innocent type things. I had a friend that wanted to pick up his golf clubs, and his "wife" responded via email to pick them up another day. He responded he needed them for the morning, and she never responded. He swung by, she brought them out to him and was not mad or anything. The next day her attorney filed a complaint with the court that he was forcefully showing up when she requested he not be at her home, and asked for a restraining order! The court did not award the order, but it was still a negative file in the case.
One more thing....make sure you have all your facts and supporting documentation for everything....and make sure you investigate "her" facts. One thing her attorney had her do was to reduce her work schedule by 30% once I filed. So by the time we got to the final stage, it was like 7-8 months later and you have to report income from the previous 6 months! Since her income was greatly reduced, it appeared much lower than mine (which it really was not significantly lower)....therefore the child support formula's and any alimony would be significantly more. Those payments can be for years (child support) or even life if alimony is involved. Fortunately, we challenged it and the judge accepted my claim that she was purposely reducing her income for divorce proceedings. I think it was dishonesty about that and a few other things that cost her with the judge and allowed me to get a fair outcome.
Last edited by adkindo; 10-18-2020 at 12:31 AM.
“The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.”― Marcus Aurelius
I brought a pretty germane point about meeting people.
I don't care about myself, I'm an old crank. But it's pretty tough for my son who broke up with a woman right before this whole thing went down. He smokes dope and plays video games. At age 30 I find that pretty pathetic but resist the urge to get on him about it.
Because what is he supposed to do?
"Get back out there......on Zoom!"
Last edited by Rojo; 10-18-2020 at 04:52 AM.
Nope. There's plenty of socially-distanced, safe ways to meet people and date during the pandemic, especially with online dating. No, you can't go to a crowded bar or a nightclub so you'll have to get more creative. But I've been in the dating pool all summer and it can be done.
"In our sundown perambulations of late, through the outer parts of Brooklyn, we have observed several parties of youngsters playing 'base', a certain game of ball. Let us go forth awhile, and get better air in our lungs. Let us leave our close rooms, the game of ball is glorious"
-Walt Whitman
the rate and number of women really did not change for me....but that was probably the cause of the divorce.
Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves. -- Carl Sagan (Pale Blue Dot)
I get to guide my son through this now. Not something I thought I’d be doing as a father.
She used to wake me up with coffee ever morning
Germaine perhaps, cranky even more so, as evidenced by the Zoom comment.
Time and Place eh?
Even an "Old Crank" would recognize that his quest was for information about ending a relationship not beginning one.
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