The Divorce Thread

[sdwagers]

fantastic advice here .

http://www.daveramsey.com/blog/four-...fore-marriage/

[Boston Red]

I generally think Dave Ramsey is TURRIBLE, but that's actually not bad. Maybe a bit obvious, but those are definitely four of the biggest issues one faces in a marriage. The in-laws piece may be the least obvious one, and it's pretty huge.

[Assembly Hall]

Yeah, I certainly wasn't asking if I should get divorced. I was moreso curious about the logistics of divorce. How much a lawyer costs, alimony, how long it will take, etc.

Only you know if you want a divorce or not. That point is moot. And if your wife wants one, then you aint gonna have much say. All that stuff aside, dont worry about the "logistics" of it. I would be more concerned about how your mental and physical health is going to be. And once again everybody is different as to how they react. And never ever forget about that kid.

[goreds2]

Only you know if you want a divorce or not. That point is moot. And if your wife wants one, then you aint gonna have much say. All that stuff aside, dont worry about the "logistics" of it. I would be more concerned about how your mental and physical health is going to be. And once again everybody is different as to how they react. And never ever forget about that kid.

And do not start dating again until about 6 months to a year after the divorce or separation. That is what I did.

Having a contest with the ex-wife on who can get a lover first will really damage the kid in my opinion. It is like the kid will be on the sideline. You will also need a chance to breath with not having to deal with a relationship anyway. It did wonders for me!

In six months to a year, your kid will actually take interest on who you are dating. This is in my opinion.

[WrongVerb]

And do not start dating again until about 6 months to a year after the divorce or separation. That is what I did.

Having a contest with the ex-wife on who can get a lover first will really damage the kid in my opinion. It is like the kid will be on the sideline. You will also need a chance to breath with not having to deal with a relationship anyway. It did wonders for me!

In six months to a year, your kid will actually take interest on who you are dating. This is in my opinion.

Allowing time to properly grieve the loss of the relationship is good too. The grieving process is important and it is underestimated by a lot of people.

[Assembly Hall]

Allowing time to properly grieve the loss of the relationship is good too. The grieving process is important and it is underestimated by a lot of people.

Amen...................but what you call grieving I call soul searching.

[vaticanplum]

Here's my "logistical" advice, which you can take or leave: I would not make such a drastic decision about your relationship when you're so close to having your first child. You're readjusting to...an event doesn't even seem to do it justice, you're readjusting to the biggest life shift you will probably ever have, one that impacts every logistical area of your life, including your relationship with your wife. Not to mention all the emotional changes that come along with that. Also, going through a divorce while caring for a newborn to me sounds like the greatest hell on earth. That's my opinion, but good Christ on a bike, I have a hard time imagining coming out of that not reaaallly hating the other person.

In fact, I think it's good that you're aware of the problems in your relationship right now, rather than blowing it off as post-baby normalcy. It means that, should you choose, you can continue to maneuver through this year or so in which almost everything is centered around the baby with one eye still on the unhappiness that you're feeling and what you might want to do to change it. You may in fact come out the other side believing the marriage is unsalvageable. But you may also come out with some very clear-headed ideas that have been given months to formulate regarding why it might be worth working on things and specifics about where you want things to change. Specifics are good. Specifics are the best.

I echo all those who say that more efforts at counseling should be pursued. You say your wife has balked at it since she "already says everything that's on her mind," but saying what's on your mind is one of a bajillion aspects of counseling. You could point out that it could help you both listen better, understand where each other is coming from better, all kinds of things. If she doesn't already, make sure she knows how strongly you're feeling about the state of your marriage, up to and including serious consideration of divorce. Sometimes that needs to be very plainly spelled out for people before they realize viscerally how unhappy others are, and you'd be surprised how oblivious others can be to something you're feeling so strongly...ESPECIALLY with a newborn drawing attention. She deserves to know, also.

[vaticanplum]

On an entirely unrelated note.....
I would very much encourage you to go talk to a counselor with or without your wife. You are asking strangers on an internet message board for a reality check and advice and that's great. I do it all the time. But a professional trained in the ways of your state who can look you in the eye and give unbiased advice would be a really, really, really good thing for you to have.

I've been going through "life events." Simply deciding to talk to a counselor removed physical weight off my shoulders. Actually talking to the counselor and hearing her say..."Damn, it sucks to be you. No wonder you are upset." (Well, not those words, but the counseling equivalent of those words) removed a ton of self doubt from my life. I'm a fan.

My gramma just went to therapy for the first time. She's 88, and a marvel. She sounds like a new woman.

[goreds2]

I know some on here have gone through divorce.

I have recently been thinking about it. Not sure if you can refer to my marriage as a marriage anymore. Not going to go into specifics.

I am mostly curious about the logistics of the whole thing. How does it work? Is it as terrible of a process as I am imagining? What is the first step? How much should I expect this to cost me?

Thanks

If you can agree on everything from the beginning which my ex and I did, it cost us $500 online. LegalZoom.com was great. They made adjustments to the agreement when needed etc.

[RiverRat13]

If you can agree on everything from the beginning which my ex and I did, it cost us $500 online. LegalZoom.com was great. They made adjustments to the agreement when needed etc.

If he files for divorce less than a year after having their first baby, I'm going to go ahead and guess that there won't be much agreeing going on.

[Cooper]

If you have a child.....get a lawyer ...issues are much more intense (as they should be).

If you do not have a child-seek mediation as a first step.

Once you have jumped the shark ....have very limited to the point conversations- the conversations should be about logistics. If you don't have a child- do not communicate for 4 to 6 months. If you do have conversations -they will turn in to a form of score keeping and no one wins that battle.

This my opinion about how i would face things -your path may be way different... with that in mind....If I had a kid -i'd ride it out --every guy I talked to- who's been thru the 1st childbirth- talks about changing dynamics and how difficult that is. Get a friend and go out for coffee and tell him how you want to pull your teeth out -then go home and talk about "team"-- you're making a kid...maybe a future Red. You have the rest of your life to get a divorce

[bounty37h]

I generally think Dave Ramsey is TURRIBLE, but that's actually not bad. Maybe a bit obvious, but those are definitely four of the biggest issues one faces in a marriage. The in-laws piece may be the least obvious one, and it's pretty huge.

In-laws are a huge piece. If I had met and spent more time with my in-laws early on I don't know that I would have continued dating my wife long enough to get to the marriage point. I can handle it now and am fine, but too early on would have likely scared me off.

[RedTeamGo!]

In-laws are a huge piece. If I had met and spent more time with my in-laws early on I don't know that I would have continued dating my wife long enough to get to the marriage point. I can handle it now and am fine, but too early on would have likely scared me off.

My in-laws are really nice people and very helpful.

With that said, my wife is soooooo close to them. Which is great, but whenever she has problems she RUNS to her parents. It is the kind of relationship where she always goes to her parents before me when faced with adversity. It is almost like my opinion doesn't matter at all. Has always kind of rubbed me the wrong way.

I think this has hurt our relationship because it has prevented us from being more of a team, if that makes sense. I see my friends and their get through life together, and I feel like my wife and her parents get through their lives together and I am kind of an outsider.

[Assembly Hall]

My in-laws are really nice people and very helpful.

With that said, my wife is soooooo close to them. Which is great, but whenever she has problems she RUNS to her parents. It is the kind of relationship where she always goes to her parents before me when faced with adversity. It is almost like my opinion doesn't matter at all. Has always kind of rubbed me the wrong way.

I think this has hurt our relationship because it has prevented us from being more of a team, if that makes sense. I see my friends and their get through life together, and I feel like my wife and her parents get through their lives together and I am kind of an outsider.

I hear ya man. It can be a very slippery slope to navigate. My first wife was the exact same way. It always bothered me.

[Cooper]

If it upsets you ....then tell her that it hurts your feelings ....it's ok to have a feeling hurt -women feel like you care when you can emote your feelings to them....they eat that stuff up- you can say "hey, -let's build OUR relationship 1st and then if we can't figure it out -we'll go to your parents and ask for advice"....when she goes to parents before she goes to you --remind her but don't catch her --just say "let's do this together"....(keep in mind -you should offer do the same on your end).