Feeling like I’m not gonna make it after possible unethical treatment from therapist

[ShyGuy]

Sounds like you feel worse coming out of therapy then when you go in of late. I'm sorry.

Bottom line your needs aren't being met. I think a lot of therapists can give off that vibe of we have power over you kind of thing and may not be the most helpful. I guess its just better to say that to them

[M2]

Again, just chiming in to give you some support. Don't know if a group like the Samaritans or a hospital might be able to work with you to find you the support you need. Yet the main thing is I know a lot of people here are rooting for you.

[klw]

Just to spew out some stuff that’s hanging over me right now.

I am barely hanging in there. To compound the intense difficulty of what was already going on in therapy, I found out my closest friend and remaining form of personal support system is moving to Chicago in a few weeks. So in terms of having a homie to hang out with and have support getting back out there and getting back on the horse and etc., I have nothing. Been feeling nothing but a gnawing feeling of defeated dread all day as a result.

I saw two therapists late last week and they were as unhelpful and discouraging as the 20+ I had seen in my life before my most recent therapist. I have no hope for finding another that I click with, feel supported by, and who can help & understand the layers and layers of complex BS that encompasses my life.
Despite that I have an appointment with another new one tomorrow.

I feel especially beaten into the ground because my therapist used to tell me when I was going through these severe periods of being alone and depressed and etc. that I could count on her/lean on her to get through it, that as long as she was there I had someone who cared about me and etc. - and it really helped me feel like I could get through those episodes to the other side. I don’t feel that way now that she’s gone.

I have been writing a letter the last week to send my therapist to ask her to reconsider the termination. Wrote out some counterpoints to what she said about feeling unequipped to be my therapist. Have some of my own recent therapy notes I was going to attach where I described how I felt things were moving in the right direction and that I was glad she was getting better again at being supportive and etc. Inwas going to ask her if she would reconsider working together anytime soon, or if not, maybe revisit in like 6 months or something to discuss the status of whatever issues led to the termination and see if it could be a good fit again.

One of the few things I’m kind of keeping on going for is that she told me she would consider the door open for us to work together again down the road. She was sort of meaning longer term by that I guess, but idk maybe if I present my side of how things were affecting me, maybe that timeline shortens again or something.

Idk man. That’s all I got going on right now. Things are not good. I have never felt this like….afraid of life and continuing bro go on. I was working hard, working my ass off in therapy, working my ass off outside of therapy applying techniques and concepts we worked on together, and it has resulted in nothing but my life plummeting towards rock bottom again.

I have been doing the “right things” and working as hard as I can, putting in as much effort, and it has amounted to jack ****. Actually it’s amounted to less than jack **** because if that were the case at least nothing would’ve happened, which I would’ve preferred to my life just tanking for absolutely zero reason and despite me doing everything that I’m “supposed” to do.

So that’s the update. That’s where things are at.

Have you considered moving/ relocating to a new area? A total new start in life. If you are having to rebuild supports, you could do it in a new area without bad memories. Can you follow you buddy to Chicago?

Hope things turn for you.

[Wonderful Monds]

Again, just chiming in to give you some support. Don't know if a group like the Samaritans or a hospital might be able to work with you to find you the support you need. Yet the main thing is I know a lot of people here are rooting for you.

Yeah I’m definitely grateful for all the support from longtime RZ friends on here these days for sure.

I’ve never really felt like my psyche has ever felt just like….this broken before. At least with the breakup I mentioned before that I went through hell and back with, the reasons for why I suffered were clear and obvious it was just super intense.

This is just breaking me in the sense that like….I agreed to let a trusted professional basically unwind the depths of my psyche and emotions and memories and deepest most sensitive feelings and et al, on the basis that they understood and would never do anything to recreate the harm I’d gone through.

And despite intimately understanding what that harm was and being familiar on a professionally educated basis, she went ahead and did it anyway. After articulating the gravity and seriousness of it and how I should trust her and etc

It has hit me on such a deep inner mental psychological level that it is serious breaking reality for me. I feel numb and dead inside. My surroundings do not feel real. I do not feel real.

The thought of going anywhere near an establishment with people in this field is just like an immediate “no never again” response from the primary section of my brain. The kindest most caring most well meaning mental health professional I’ve ever known got to know me inside out, better than anyone on this earth has ever known me before, and still stuck the knife in my brain and twisted it.

She was the good one lol. I can only imagine what insane levels of suffering the lesser ones are capable of inflicting. I won’t ever find out, because I will never trust them or allow that to happen to me ever again.

[Wonderful Monds]

Have you considered moving/ relocating to a new area? A total new start in life. If you are having to rebuild supports, you could do it in a new area without bad memories. Can you follow you buddy to Chicago?

Hope things turn for you.

To be totally honest, I wouldn’t. I had so much that was going on before even all this happened that was wearing me down to the point I couldn’t take it or function most days.

After this? I feel completely crushed. Just absolutely defeated. Like I have my 120% best effort and the universe looked at it and laughed and spit in my face and stopped me back down into the dirt.

I have no energy for rebuilding because I know what will happen at the end of the day after I subject myself to all the pain and exhaustion and pushing myself to the limit. It will not pay off.

[Falls City Beer]

Yeah I’m definitely grateful for all the support from longtime RZ friends on here these days for sure.

I’ve never really felt like my psyche has ever felt just like….this broken before. At least with the breakup I mentioned before that I went through hell and back with, the reasons for why I suffered were clear and obvious it was just super intense.

This is just breaking me in the sense that like….I agreed to let a trusted professional basically unwind the depths of my psyche and emotions and memories and deepest most sensitive feelings and et al, on the basis that they understood and would never do anything to recreate the harm I’d gone through.

And despite intimately understanding what that harm was and being familiar on a professionally educated basis, she went ahead and did it anyway. After articulating the gravity and seriousness of it and how I should trust her and etc

It has hit me on such a deep inner mental psychological level that it is serious breaking reality for me. I feel numb and dead inside. My surroundings do not feel real. I do not feel real.

The thought of going anywhere near an establishment with people in this field is just like an immediate “no never again” response from the primary section of my brain. The kindest most caring most well meaning mental health professional I’ve ever known got to know me inside out, better than anyone on this earth has ever known me before, and still stuck the knife in my brain and twisted it.

She was the good one lol. I can only imagine what insane levels of suffering the lesser ones are capable of inflicting. I won’t ever find out, because I will never trust them or allow that to happen to me ever again.

I hate to sound like a parent but that therapist was not well meaning. I certainly sympathize with your feelings of abandonment and betrayal, but please don’t internalize her failures. She failed you. I understand that fact doesn’t heal you or integrate you or make you whole, but it’s important to understand where she leaves off and you begin. It may require time to trust another professional but I hope you do take the chance again because good people exist in the profession, those who won’t fail you. They may not make the immediate connection you made with this woman, but they will fulfill their responsibilities to you and not betray you.

[ShyGuy]

Yeah I’m definitely grateful for all the support from longtime RZ friends on here these days for sure.

I’ve never really felt like my psyche has ever felt just like….this broken before. At least with the breakup I mentioned before that I went through hell and back with, the reasons for why I suffered were clear and obvious it was just super intense.

This is just breaking me in the sense that like….I agreed to let a trusted professional basically unwind the depths of my psyche and emotions and memories and deepest most sensitive feelings and et al, on the basis that they understood and would never do anything to recreate the harm I’d gone through.

And despite intimately understanding what that harm was and being familiar on a professionally educated basis, she went ahead and did it anyway. After articulating the gravity and seriousness of it and how I should trust her and etc

It has hit me on such a deep inner mental psychological level that it is serious breaking reality for me. I feel numb and dead inside. My surroundings do not feel real. I do not feel real.

The thought of going anywhere near an establishment with people in this field is just like an immediate “no never again” response from the primary section of my brain. The kindest most caring most well meaning mental health professional I’ve ever known got to know me inside out, better than anyone on this earth has ever known me before, and still stuck the knife in my brain and twisted it.

She was the good one lol. I can only imagine what insane levels of suffering the lesser ones are capable of inflicting. I won’t ever find out, because I will never trust them or allow that to happen to me ever again.

Have you tried to explain this to her how she made/makes you feel? Look I understand that is way way way easier said than done. I have a whole boatload of problems expressing emotion as well and trying to get it out at a therapists appointment (and certainly at work) can feel akin to being kicked in the testicles. it's just not my strength

My therapist I see means well but I think theres time she might not take my background/upbringing/religion and what not into consideration. Like looking at someone through a pathological lens versus as a human being.

[Wonderful Monds]

I hate to sound like a parent but that therapist was not well meaning. I certainly sympathize with your feelings of abandonment and betrayal, but please don’t internalize her failures. She failed you. I understand that fact doesn’t heal you or integrate you or make you whole, but it’s important to understand where she leaves off and you begin. It may require time to trust another professional but I hope you do take the chance again because good people exist in the profession, those who won’t fail you. They may not make the immediate connection you made with this woman, but they will fulfill their responsibilities to you and not betray you.

I know where you’re coming from with this, but I do think she was/is a good kind caring person, who was irresponsible and inexperienced (and she admitted as much in our last session, she admitted to being irresponsible and “inappropriate” and acknowledged that she hurt me), so I wouldn’t say so much that she wasn’t well meaning. She just also has a lot of her own **** to deal with, it finally caught up with her seemingly, and it burned her out to the point that this all happened.

[Roy Tucker]

I know where you’re coming from with this, but I do think she was/is a good kind caring person, who was irresponsible and inexperienced (and she admitted as much in our last session, she admitted to being irresponsible and “inappropriate” and acknowledged that she hurt me), so I wouldn’t say so much that she wasn’t well meaning. She just also has a lot of her own **** to deal with, it finally caught up with her seemingly, and it burned her out to the point that this all happened.

I’m just speaking my mind here as a untrained observer. I think FCB was right. This therapist might have been a kind and caring person and you had a deep bond with her. But everything has a beginning, a middle, and an end. And this patient-therapist relationship has come to an end and I think it’s the best thing for you. She has flaws as a therapist and I don’t think you want to pay the price of being her practice patient. It’s really best to move on.

I know that seems an insurmountable thing but it will really be the best thing for you. Take the time you need but keep talking and expressing yourself to an interim therapist. It will get better. I’ve been in some pretty dark holes but eventually you will work yourself out of it and become a healthier person. I know it seems very difficult but I think you have it in you to emerge from this a better person. And just my opinion, you seem a pretty darn good person now. Believe in yourself.

[KoryMac5]

As someone who works in the MH field this absolutely sucks and I totally get why you are feeling abandoned by her...

There should be a termination phase of treatment if she felt she was unable to help you...or she should have made arrangements to hand you off to a professional who could. Its ethically wrong not to do so and can lead directly to what you are feeling now...abandonment and distress.

I think what gets lost in the sauce due to her negligence though is the hard work and effort you have been putting in over the last several years working on yourself...its hard to see that now when this set back feels as if it has pushed you back down the rabbit hole.

Know that we are all here to offer support.

[Wonderful Monds]

Saw a new therapist yesterday (the 4th I’d seen in the last week), read her credentials before going in. Felt like she has the approach and etc. everything I was looking for. Had a really good session. Was actually feeling a bit hopeful and optimistic about getting some help. Like things might get better.

Emailed her about scheduling for next week.

Got the reply back a couple hours ago saying she changed her mind and wouldn’t work with me.


I really am on the ****ing edge now. I cannot ****ing take this anymore. I have ****ing had it. There is no one out there that can help, and if they possibly can, they refuse to and tell me to go **** myself.


I have ****ing had it!!!!!!! I cannot ****ing take this anymore!!!

[Larry Schuler]

What has helped me in times of intense physical or emotional or mental pain (I’ve had a bit of all three) is an acronym that someone shared with me once for pain.

Purpose
Anticipated
Intermittent
Normal

Sometimes one or more of these lenses can help us view our pain in a way that gives us some relief from the extra anxiety and fear and distress and doom we often lay on top of the pain. Pain can have a purpose. It may be part of the path through the darkness toward the next bit of light. Pain is sometimes anticipated and we can reclaim some of the extra power pain has when it feels unexpected and like we’ve been completely blindsided. Pain is intermittent, even if we’re in a long stretch of it. It’s not forever 24/7 although it feels like it may be. Pain is normal. It’s part of life. We all must get through it. It’s not a unique monster just for you. Others have felt this pain and others will feel it in the future.

Sometimes it feels like you’re in a car sinking into the ocean and the water is about to climb past your mouth and nose. I hope there’s something in these posts that help lower the water level a bit and give you an inch of breathing air back.

[Wonderful Monds]

I am going legitimately insane going through all this. My mind can’t ****ing take this. I feel like the universe is pointing a gun in my face and daring me to move. I’m trapped. There’s nothing left I can ****ing do.

[moewan]

I'm legit getting worried, does anyone here know him and can go check on him

[Wonderful Monds]

I'm legit getting worried, does anyone here know him and can go check on him

Has family come keep me company today.


Basically I’m riding my future on writing and appealing to my therapist to reconsider. If that doesn’t work, I don’t want to keep going on.

I have a lifetime’s worth of experience with how awful and useless therapists are. I just got a reminder and reinforcement the last week with another handful. I found the one good one who was capable of helping and supporting/caring about me.

So I’m putting all my effort into figuring out hopefully the right words to say to reverse this situation.

That is the only remaining thing I’m here for.