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Thread: Anyone have loved ones in Assisted Living now?

  1. #1
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    Anyone have loved ones in Assisted Living now?

    This is the industry I work in. At the administrative end. While I donít have direct contact usually with the residents Iíve seen like a lot over my time working in this industry. Dementia truly is an awful disease. Lots of employee/management turnover. For me working in a geriatric healthcare facility like this over 10 years has been increasingly weighing on me. Especially during Covid. Feel like Iím on my last legs.


    But Iíd be interested to hear about it from the families side. Is it something you have experience with or would consider? Prices are very very high.


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    Member Redhook's Avatar
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    Re: Anyone have loved ones in Assisted Living now?

    Yes and it's so sad. Assisted living is actually pretty nice if it doesn't involve memory care, but when it comes to memory care it's really bad. My wife's mom and step-dad are in the same facility in Missouri and they're only 75 years old. Abe has Parkinson's, but his memory is still sharp so it's good for him. On the flip side, my mother-in-law has only been there for 14 months and now she needs to be moved to memory care because she's declining quickly and she can't do anything.....put her own clothes on, etc. It's just so pathetic watching a grown women turn into a child and regressing towards infancy every month. She's 75 and she's basically a 3 year old right now.

    I will say this about assisted living. If you don't have family members to check in on their parents then they don't get the same care. Quite often, residents will go way too long wearing soiled underwear, not getting enough baths, etc. I won't go deeper into it and I don't necessarily blame the underpaid workers, but it's certainly a damn shame and something that needs to be improved going forward. I don't envy anyone working in that industry because it has to be extremely difficult, sad and unrewarding.
    "....the two players I liked watching the most were Barry Larkin and Eric Davis. I was suitably entertained by their effortless skill that I didn't need them crashing into walls like a squirrel on a coke binge." - dsmith421

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    Member Kingspoint's Avatar
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    Re: Anyone have loved ones in Assisted Living now?

    Couldn't find a single place that didn't have scary reviews from yelp and other sources, and my Mom had insurance that would have paid for it. I just couldn't place her in the care of any of these facilities. They are and have always been severely understaffed, making it impossible to give proper care for any of them.

    My sister and I took care of her for 10 years. I eventually quit my job for the last 5 years after spending 40 hours per week at my sister's house the first 5 years so I could care for her 24 hours per day for 5 days a week and saw my Spouse and took care of our house on the weekends while my Sister did the full-time the days I wasn't there. My sister also spend all 7 days taking care of her in some form or the other by taking care of all the paperwork and appointment setting. By keeping on top of it this way we were able to significantly slow down the onset of Alzheimer's through home care like this. She would have been dead in 2 years had she been placed in a care facility.

    I'm very thankful that I was able to do this. Now my Spouse's parents are hitting the age and her mother is experiencing dementia. They've both been at our house for the last 20 years (and haven't been married to each other for 35).

    Now, I'm working again to make up for lost income, but that's not important compared to being able to care for our parents the way they should be cared for.
    "One problem with people who have no vices is that they're pretty sure to have some annoying virtues."

  5. #4
    Be the ball Roy Tucker's Avatar
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    Re: Anyone have loved ones in Assisted Living now?

    Been through the full lifecycle of senior care with my mom and my wifeís mom. Itís been a while now though, like 15-20 years ago. Both my dad and my father-in-law went relatively quickly so they didnít go through any assisted living (besides hospice). Itís hard to watch a loved one die. But it is a spiritual time too.

    My mom went through the long slow dark slide into dementia and that was hard. It lasted from the first glimmerings of ďhey, somethingís wrongĒ to full blown dementia over about 20 years. Who she was just slowly disappeared. She went from her house she had with my dad to an apartment to assisted living to total care. I was the only one of my siblings that kept going to see her but that was hard too. Iíd just sit and talk about my wife and kids and my life and sheíd just sit and listen. Iíd hold her hand and she liked that.

    I have no idea whatís going to happen to me. Iíll be 72 this year. But we still have our house of 34 years, mow my grass, shovel the snow, tend all the flower beds, painted my house a couple years ago, go to Reds games, high school games (gave up on Ohio State football games), go to concerts, plays, etc etc. and Iím a grandfather to 3 (and soon 4) grandchildren that we see and babysit on a regular basis. Keeping busy is the important part. I think about getting a part time job, but I worked for 47 years after college and Iím just done with working. Donít want a schedule. So weíll see where Roy goes.
    She used to wake me up with coffee ever morning

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  7. #5
    Big Red Machine RedsBaron's Avatar
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    Re: Anyone have loved ones in Assisted Living now?

    My mom developed dementia in her mid-80s and was in total denial about it. We finally had her placed in a local assisted living facility just after Thanksgiving 2019. It was an excellent facility, but she passed away in mid-June 2020. For a while, we were not allowed to visit in the spring of 2020 as a result of the covid scare. The facility finally let family visit mom by the first of May because she was fading. She lived almost another two months and I'm glad we could again visit her, but I think she largely lost the will to live, passing at almost age 89. I miss her.
    I'm almost at the same stage of life as "Roy Tucker." I'll turn age 69 this year. I still am working full time practicing law, with two trials scheduled next month, but I don't want to do it much longer.
    Last edited by RedsBaron; 03-22-2024 at 09:21 AM.
    "Hey...Dad. Wanna Have A Catch?" Kevin Costner in "Field Of Dreams."

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  9. #6
    Member Strikes Out Looking's Avatar
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    Re: Anyone have loved ones in Assisted Living now?

    My dad's been in assisted living for 10 months. He was totally independent until his idiot girlfriend gave him covid and he then fell suffering a major spinal injury that needed major surgery, rehab and skilled nursing for 5 months. He's still unable to walk on his own - still doing therapy and making improvements - probably going to try to transition to independent living at the same facility this summer.

    It's been quite an education learning about the ins and outs of medicare, different levels of nursing care, etc... Some of the places have been ok, even the best places overlook things. Most of the employees are underpaid and some of the residents are quite the handful to deal with (including my dad at times).
    Where we gonna go?

  10. #7
    First Time Caller SunDeck's Avatar
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    Re: Anyone have loved ones in Assisted Living now?

    My dad is in assisted living while mom is late stages of Alzheimer's in long term care. Generally, I find that care of my mom is ok, but if I don't stay engaged (and pester them), their attention to her wanes. Once I got hospice involved, which she now qualifies for, the situation improved.
    Next Reds manager, second shooter. --Confirmed on Redszone.

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    Re: Anyone have loved ones in Assisted Living now?

    Over a 10 year span I lost my parents, parents in law and step parents in law. This was all pre-covid. They all went different ways. In retrospect the easiest one was my dad who went into the hospital and was dead within 12 hours.

    My step father in law was always a very docile man. He moved to skilled memory care and I don't believe he spoke again for 8 months.

    My mother started having memory issues and heart issues at the same time. She stayed in the family home till the medical system said she couldn't live alone anymore. She was in independent living with skilled care visiting several times a day. After two years of that she transitioned to assisted living when she started having falls. She didn't last 6 months in assisted living.

    My father in law fought at Normandy and made it to 93 living on his own terms. He had a stroke while driving and after rehab the medical folk wouldn't let him live by himself. He spent six months in memory care and broke a hip. He died rehabbing from the operation to repair his hip. It was one of those weird in hospice and then taken out of hospice situations and they wanted to keep him alive on machines. Thankfully his kids said "No" to that and he passed.

    In all these cases I was grateful for the folks who cared for them. Things were expensive, but most of those expenses were covered by income streams.
    "Even a bad day at the ballpark beats the snot out of most other good days. I'll take my scorecard and pencil and beer and hot dog and rage at the dips and cheer at the highs, but I'm not ever going to stop loving this game and this team and nobody will ever take that away from me." Roy Tucker October 2010

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    Member pedro's Avatar
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    Anyone have loved ones in Assisted Living now?

    My first job in 1983 was washing dishes and serving food in a nursing home. It was not a nice place. The owners were good people and did their best but it was pretty much the kind of place that ran on Medicare budget so it had very limited resources. That always stuck with me.

    My father in law and his wife are in a nice facility in NC and have their own private apartment but it's more expensive than my wife or I could likely ever afford. Thankfully they can afford their own care. My own parents are in their late 80's and still doing well and living on their own. Not sure what we will do when/if that changes.
    Last edited by pedro; 03-22-2024 at 02:05 PM.
    School's out. What did you expect?

  14. #10
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    Re: Anyone have loved ones in Assisted Living now?

    Quote Originally Posted by pedro View Post
    My own parents are in their late 80's and still doing well and living on their own. Not sure what we will do when/if that changes.
    And just road tripped down to California for 10 days too

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    Re: Anyone have loved ones in Assisted Living now?

    Quote Originally Posted by westofyou View Post
    And just road tripped down to California for 10 days too
    They drove 9.5 hours straight through.

    Iím gob smacked


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    Member 15fan's Avatar
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    Re: Anyone have loved ones in Assisted Living now?

    2 siblings and I each live in different states from Ohio where we grew up and parents remained. Moved parents into assisted living just before Covid. Mom was about 12 months into stage IV cancer and Dadís dementia was progressing. They spent Covid together in assisted living. Then dad had two emergency trips to ER for life saving surgery in 2021 (subdural hematoma in spring and colostomy in summer). Both times it was awareness of assisted living staff and nurses that saved his life. They knew he was having problems and forced the EMTs to take him to the ER. Both times he was in surgery within a few hours.

    After he came back from his first surgery, we had to move him to the memory care unit. Same facility but in a different and secured area of building. Dad died last July (after 6 months of hospice) and Mom 11 weeks later in September, almost 5 years after her oncologist estimated 12-18 months. She was in hospice almost a year.

    Siblings and I were proactive in researching places, doing interviews before we took parents to see a few and select. Once Mom and Dad were residents, we figured out thru trial and error that if one of us didnít go see them for a day or two, about every 2.5 weeks, stuff would start to go off the rails. But we never viewed it as a chore (though the emotional highs and lows of watching slow declines in your parents isnít for the faint of heart). Instead, we were thankful for another opportunity to see our parents and brighten the day of their resident friends and neighbors along the way. Mom and dad also had friends of 30-40 years in the area who would go visit them and give us a heads up if something seemed off with one of them. Dadís brother and his family were also regular visitors and more eyes/ears to share information with us.

    We did our best to simplify lines of communication - I handled all of the bills and a sister handled medical. We kept in constant contact via email, phone and text with staff, let them know in advance when one of us was coming to town, if we had any concerns or potential solutions, etc. All things considered, we were quite happy with the place and the care mom and dad received. There was a lot of love, genuine care, and most of all, they were always always always treated with dignity.

    Iíll end by saying that from our perspective, it takes a special kind of person to work in an assisted living facility. People were always kind to mom and dad, firm when they needed to be firm, and genuinely invested in how they were doing throughout each day. At the end, dadís dementia took him from being the most laid back and gentle man to someone who could get agitated and aggressive overÖanything. Not often, but it was part of the progression. Through it all, the staff always had plans to handle it in the moment and adjust as he and mom declined in their own ways. We do not take it for granted that the quality of care mom and dad received thru the very end was due to selfless people who did their absolute best to treat them like family despite a lot of challenges the past several years.
    Last edited by 15fan; 03-22-2024 at 10:23 PM.

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  20. #13
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    Re: Anyone have loved ones in Assisted Living now?

    Quote Originally Posted by Redhook View Post
    Yes and it's so sad. Assisted living is actually pretty nice if it doesn't involve memory care, but when it comes to memory care it's really bad. My wife's mom and step-dad are in the same facility in Missouri and they're only 75 years old. Abe has Parkinson's, but his memory is still sharp so it's good for him. On the flip side, my mother-in-law has only been there for 14 months and now she needs to be moved to memory care because she's declining quickly and she can't do anything.....put her own clothes on, etc. It's just so pathetic watching a grown women turn into a child and regressing towards infancy every month. She's 75 and she's basically a 3 year old right now.

    I will say this about assisted living. If you don't have family members to check in on their parents then they don't get the same care. Quite often, residents will go way too long wearing soiled underwear, not getting enough baths, etc. I won't go deeper into it and I don't necessarily blame the underpaid workers, but it's certainly a damn shame and something that needs to be improved going forward. I don't envy anyone working in that industry because it has to be extremely difficult, sad and unrewarding.
    It can have some nice moments from my lenses. Getting a resident approved by insurance for coverage, helping family members out with their person's long term insurance stuff (even if they are ungrateful), helping others, and winning insurance appeals. But yeah there's defiantly a reason turnover is like high where I work. And yeah lots of times I struggle to find any silver linings.

  21. #14
    Member cumberlandreds's Avatar
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    Re: Anyone have loved ones in Assisted Living now?

    My mother was in assisted living from 2012 until her death in 2019. My dad died in 2005 and she was able to live by herself until 2012. She just got too feeble and some dementia was coming on too. My sister and brother found her a place in Kingsport, Tn. near where my sister lived. This place was very good and took good care of her. She had an apartment by herself and there different levels of care that you could pay for. She started at the lowest but steadily climbed as time went on. My mother collected dolls. She couldn't have them all with her but the facility set up a cabinet in the common living area with some of her favorites displayed. I thought that was very nice of them to do that. Mu mother also was able to keep her two cats. That helped her a lot at first. But as time went on her dementia gradually got worse. A couple of funny stories(in a way I guess) was one with her cats. One evening she wondered down to the front desk and told them there were a couple of wild animals in her room. Of course there wasn't. They were her cats. My sister soon after had to take them from her. We took one of them and the other was given away to someone else. The other funny thing was one evening she took one of her dolls down to the front desk and handed it over to them and told them she was too old to take care of this baby and someone else should do that! Funny but also really sad at the same time. My dad had planned well and my mother had enough money for her stay there. Although we were growing concerned as time went along because her savings was running out. But in the end it all worked out. She was probably going to have extended care if she hadn't passed when she did. Her dementia was getting really bad. The last time I saw her I don't think she really knew who I was. My brother told me later on she would get really angry with him over nothing and basically ran him out of her apartment a couple of times. She lived a good long life (93) and was in good health most of it but dementia is such a terrible thing. I would wish it on no one.
    Reds Fan Since 1971

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  23. #15
    My clutch is broken RichRed's Avatar
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    Re: Anyone have loved ones in Assisted Living now?

    My mom was in an assisted living facility for several months before she died of complications from congestive heart failure in 2022. Our family was fortunate in that she could afford a nice place and she received excellent care. It definitely helped that my brother and I were active participants in advocating for what she wanted.

    ShyGuy, I want to thank you and anyone else who works in that industry. I know itís extremely difficult and burnout is common, but Iím grateful there are people like you who are willing to do that work, for as long as you feel youíre able. You folks are an under appreciated yet invaluable segment of the workforce. Cheers to you.
    "I can make all the stadiums rock."
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